| 17th Jan 2010 | |
BURGLAR GETS FRIGHT OF LIFE WHEN SUSAN
BOYLE ARRIVES HOME |
|
And who wouldn't
be terrified at the sight of Susan Boyle-in-the-bag hurtling towards
you in the middle of the night as you rummaged through her drawers.
He apprently fled past her on the stairs as she entered her mansion
(sorry got to put that, it's in the tabloid instruction manual when
describing celebrity homes). The burglar was very lucky for had she
had the forethought to do so she could have sung at him. However,
she was so surprised that anyone would consider wanting a dip into
her unmentionables that she froze allowing im to make good his escape.
Later the burglar was reported as saying "...flipping heck that was a lucky escape and no
mistake. I looked for a phone to call the rozzers so Icould give myself
up but couldn't see one.It's getting so you don't know just who's house
you're breaaking into these days." A spokeperson for Ms Boyle said,
"...she nearly won X Factor you know." Fascinating! |
|
| 1st Dec 2009 | |
THE JEREMY
CLARKSON ARTICLE THE TIMES WOULDN'T PRINT |
|
The following article by Jeremy Clarkson was in the Sunday Times but was 'pulled' - probably by the subject of the article, Peter Mandelson. So much for free speech. But poor old manglebum fails to appreciate how the blogosphere works and in no time the article finds itself going viral round the world. Wonderful! Enjoy it - and feel free to pass it on if you enjoyed it..... Jeremy Clarkson I’ve given the matter a great deal of thought all week, and I’m afraid I’ve decided that it’s no good putting Peter Mandelson in a prison. I’m afraid he will have to be tied to the front of a van and driven round the country until he isn’t alive any more. He announced last week that middle-class children will simply not be allowed into the country’s top universities even if they have 4,000 A-levels, because all the places will be taken by Albanians and guillemots and whatever other stupid bandwagon the conniving idiot has leapt onto in the meantime. I hate Peter Mandelson. I hate his fondness for extremely pale blue jeans and I hate that preposterous moustache he used to sport in the days when he didn’t bother trying to cover up his left-wing fanaticism. I hate the way he quite literally lords it over us even though he’s resigned in disgrace twice, and now holds an important decision-making job for which he was not elected. Mostly, though, I hate him because his one-man war on the bright and the witty and the successful means that half my friends now seem to be taking leave of their senses. There’s talk of emigration in the air. It’s everywhere I go. Parties. Work. In the supermarket. My daughter is working herself half to death to get good grades at GSCE and can’t see the point because she won’t be going to university, because she doesn’t have a beak or flippers or a qualification in washing windscreens at the lights. She wonders, often, why we don’t live in America. Then you have the chaps and chapesses who can’t stand the constant raids on their wallets and their privacy. They can’t understand why they are taxed at 50% on their income and then taxed again for driving into the nation’s capital. They can’t understand what happened to the hunt for the weapons of mass destruction. They can’t understand anything. They see the Highway Wombles in those brand new 4x4s that they paid for, and they see the M4 bus lane and they see the speed cameras and the community support officers and they see the Albanians stealing their wheelbarrows and nothing can be done because it’s racist. And they see Alistair Darling handing over £4,350 of their money to not sort out the banking crisis that he doesn’t understand because he’s a small-town solicitor, and they see the stupid war on drugs and the war on drink and the war on smoking and the war on hunting and the war on fun and the war on scientists and the obsession with the climate and the price of train fares soaring past £1,000 and the Guardian power-brokers getting uppity about one shot baboon and not uppity at all about all the dead soldiers in Afghanistan, and how they got rid of Blair only to find the lying twerp is now going to come back even more powerful than ever, and they think, “I’ve had enough of this. I’m off.” It’s a lovely idea, to get out of this stupid, Fair-trade, Brown-stained, Mandelson-skewed, equal-opportunities, multicultural, carbon-neutral, trendily left, regionally assembled, big-government, trilingual, mosque-drenched, all-the-pigs-are-equal, property-is-theft hellhole and set up shop somewhere else. But where? You can’t go to France because you need to complete 17 forms in triplicate every time you want to build a greenhouse, and you can’t go to Switzerland because you will be reported to your neighbours by the police and subsequently shot in the head if you don’t sweep your lawn properly, and you can’t go to Italy because you’ll soon tire of waking up in the morning to find a horse’s head in your bed because you forgot to give a man called Don a bundle of used notes for “organising” a plumber. You can’t go to Australia because it’s full of things that will eat you, you can’t go to New Zealand because they don’t accept anyone who is more than 40 and you can’t go to Monte Carlo because they don’t accept anyone who has less than 40 mill. And you can’t go to Spain because you’re not called Del and you weren’t involved in the Walthamstow blag. And you can’t go to Germany ... because you just can’t. The Caribbean sounds tempting, but there is no work, which means that one day, whether you like it or not, you’ll end up like all the other expats, with a nose like a burst beetroot, wondering if it’s okay to have a small sharpener at 10 in the morning. And, as I keep explaining to my daughter, we can’t go to America because if you catch a cold over there, the health system is designed in such a way that you end up without a house; Or dead. Canada’s full of people pretending to be French, South Africa’s too risky, Russia’s worse and everywhere else is too full of snow, too full of flies or too full of people who want to cut your head off on the internet. So you can dream all you like about upping sticks and moving to a country that doesn’t help itself to half of everything you earn and then spend the money it gets on bus lanes and advertisements about the dangers of salt. But wherever you go you’ll wind up an alcoholic or dead or bored or in a cellar, in an orange jumpsuit, gently wetting yourself on the web. All of these things are worse than being persecuted for eating a sandwich at the wheel. I see no reason to be miserable. Yes, Britain now is worse than it’s been for decades, but the lunatics who’ve made it so ghastly are on their way out. Soon, they will be back in Hackney with their South African nuclear-free peace polenta. And instead the show will be run by a bloke whose dad has a wallpaper shop and possibly, terrifyingly, a twerp in Belgium whose fruitless game of hunt-the-WMD has netted him £15m on the lecture circuit. So actually I do see a reason to be miserable. Which is why I think it’s a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit. |
|
| 30th Oct 2009 | |
PRINCE EDWARD CARRIES ON THE FAMILY
TRADITION |
|
Like his father
Prince Edward has that fascinating ability to gaff his way through
life. Remember his "It's a Royal Knockout" fiasco when the image
of the royals reached an all time low. Also remember his apre show
petulance at the less than enthusiastic press corp whom he solicited
for praise. Remember how he stormed out with a hissed "....thankssss...."
when they didn't fall over themselves to grovel at his royal feet.
Well the lad has done it again, only on a different level. This time
in response to a question from the Australian media about the appeal
of the Duke of Edinburgh's award, he lapsed into breathless Boy's
Own enthusiasm and stated that it's allure was down the the possibility
of dicing with death. Not the sort endorsement to get parents enthused.
I guess it all stems from leading a sheltered privileged life. When
you don't normally have to think about what to say before you say
it and no one dares to criticise you for your views, you're likely
to forget yourself when let out into the real world. Nice one Eddy. |
|
| 27th Oct 2009 | |
JUST WHICH MILLIBAND
DO YOU TRUST |
|
The top image
is the original of David Milliband, the man who as British foreign
secretary believes that Tony Blair is the right man for EU President,
despite Blair's mishandling of the British economy, Iraq and Afghanistan
etc. The champagne socialist former prime minister who makes millions
whilst the rest of us tighten belts and pay endless taxes to bail
out their ineptness. |
 |
The second image is a composite of two right halves
of his face which show the bully boy socialist who will stop at nothing
to further personal ambition |
 |
The third image is a composite
of two left side halves of his face. Would you buy a used car from
a man like this? You might but don't complain if it goes wrong. And
whatever you do don't meet him up a dark ally, like Downing Street
for example. |
 |
| 4th Oct 2009 | |
CONSERVATIVES OFF
TO A GOOD START |
|
| So well done Conservatives. Barely
have you got the 2009 conference underway than you start to attack
the most vulnerable section of the unemployed population, those on
incapacity benefit. Okay granted there are some who are working the
system but are you really saying this is a major vote winner for your
cause. What's more Mr Cameron you promised a referendum on the Lisbon
treaty and yet on the Andrew Marr show, you displayed all the traits
of a man who might go back on his word. You stalled unconvincingly.
You've got to do better than that if you want to win the upcoming election
otherwise we'll be doomed to another five years of that embarrassment
for a government we have now. You guys have got to stop looking like
privileged fat cats. Get down to earth. The next government have got to take a risk. A big risk. They've got to give money back to the people. So much disposable cash has been taken away from the average man in the street by the current government that people are living on credit and is probably the reason for the fiasco we have at the moment. The average individual never realises just how much tax they are paying - on top of their income tax. By the time they have also paid VAT and Council tax and tax on petrol, road tax, and all the other taxes, even the ordinary man in the street is paying nearly 70% of their income over to the treasury. If you want to get the economy moving again, give the people some money back, they'll go out and spend it on more goods - on which they'll pay VAT. That at least will help oil the wheels of industry by creating demand. Whilst you are at it, why not give industry some tax brakes too. That could only result in greater prosperity and flexibility which would result in higher productivity and ultimately employment. But hey, wake me up somebody. That's never going to happen is it. This is Britain. Britain where we have one of the slowest Broadband systems in the world. Why? Well a man in a bowler hat says we don't need it to be faster at the moment. Meanwhile the rest of the world streaks ahead with their technology and we align ourselves with Estonia. |
|
| 29th Sept 2009 | |
WE'LL CHANGE THE WORLD AGAIN....SAYS
PRUDENCE |
|
...what,
to the way it was before you buggered it up Gordon Brown? Tough on
crime, tough on the causes of crime.... we've heard it all before
and it doesn't mean squat this time. Its more a case of 'Tough on
personal income and tougher on the causes of income..." this
time. Platitudes and more platitudes, an endless stream of empty
gestures by an inept government who have been patting themselves
on the back ever since they picked up a recovering economy from the
last Conservative government and carried on doing the same. Only
they raised more taxes and spent money we didn't have as is their
usual wont. They pissed our gold up the wall, and blew countless
billions on services and in particular civil services making "Jobs
for the Boys" and now we
have had to stomach Tony Robinson singing their praises saying how
they are pulling it all together at this time of recession and helping
us get it all back to normal. The rest of the world is doing that
Tony, not Mr Brown or Lord Mandy. Just as Prudence said it was the
world that had caused the problem, it is the world that is restarting
our fortunes not 2.5% off VAT. No one is out spending money to get
5 pence off a purchase, believe me. We need a radical change of government
and style. Getting tough with law breakers, with immigration (we
just don't have the space or resources and I see we're talking half
the illegals from Calais. Why? The civil service should be slashed
by fifty percent. Get rid of most of the useless quangos and give industry
tax breaks. How any company in this country manages to get going is
a mystery. With all the extra taxes its like having staff standing
around doing bugger all, which is coincidentally a popular notion
with Labour and the unions. Hardly anyone in government have experience
of business and that's the problem. They're all lawyers or barristers
or councilors or committee members who've risen through the ranks.
None of them know about the business end of making money, just spending
it. Its time the UK had business know how at the helm again, to
raise the money, to put us back in the black, to fix the rot - yeah,
so that the next Labour government can come along and spend it again,
which is just what they would do. The next government need
to put a bit more money back in the pockets of the people who will
then go out and spend it and therefore put more tax back into the coffers.
No one on 15k or less should pay income tax. 60% of their income goes
on taxes they aren't aware of anyway. If they sat down and counted
it up they'd be astounded how much tax we pay in VAT and stealth,
and then they take more off you in income tax. That's how much our
government think about its people. Not at all! They've had twelve
years to get it right and they've squandered it, as usual on idealistic
schemes civil servants and spending beanos to impress their pals
whilst getting fat on expense accounts and all the things they complained
about in the last government. Hypocrits! My hope is that when the
next government take power, the revoke some of the policies and schemes
of this past government. That's my hope byI'm not optimistic. |
|
| 23rd Sept 2009 | |
GORDON
BROWN TO EXPOSE BRITAIN'S FLANK WITH (ANOTHER) POINTLESS GESTURE |
|
As
world powers move to endorse Barack Obama's "nuclear free world"
proposal, guess who's first in line to offer up the necks of its
people to the enemy. Yes you guessed it, Gordon Brown, our leader.
The man who single handedly has managed to paralyse the nation's
finances by not being prepared for this recession by not reigning
in the banks when it was discussed five years ago, is now keen to
give up some of the protection of our nation. However it may be a
gesture to save him some money. "Prudence" is desperate to make cut
backs (that's right the ones he said he wouldn't be making six months
ago) to raise cash to reduce the 800 billion pound debt he's landed
us with. However, experts have said that the savings would be negligible.
That being said it is a political gesture which will make those in
third world terrorist camps rest more comfortably, knowing that from
time to time, we will not have a nuclear response at sea as it requires
four vessels to keep one active at any one time. Thank you Gordon.
Thanks a bunch. |
|
| 21st Sept 2009 | |
ELTON
JOHN IN SUPPORT OF CRACKDOWN ON FILE SHARERS |
|
Sir
Elton John has come out in support of measures to crackdown on music
piracy by cutting off the internet connections of persistent illegal
file sharers. (Guardian)
However, in that regard it is also the perfect opportunity for the government
and the Treasury to up the ante in terms of a tax on out of control
musicians. For example, high earners like say, Elton John, should
pay much more tax. He writes a song in fifteen minutes and makes
millions from it. Maybe he should pay a lot more tax therefore that
could be spent on the under privileged untalented population. As
role models all musicians should also have the book thrown at them
for stepping out of line for doing, well lets say, lines of coke
and other drugs. Tougher custodial sentences for example rather
than the mealy mouthed fines and column inches in the press sending
their records to number one in the charts. Now if that happened for
example, they should lose all revenues. Then perhaps they would set
a better example to our binge drinking youth who emulate their boorish
behavior. Much longer prison sentences and confiscation of their
property too. Seems just as fair to us. What about some deeper investigation
into their finances. Some musicians have their affairs so well tied
up in offshore banking and convenience directorships of offshore
companies they hardly pa any tax at all. So.... there are a couple
of other suggestions Elton. How d'you feel about that? |
|
| 21st Sept 2009 | |
CONFIRMATION
THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS AN EXCUSE.... |
|
"Tony
Blair says climate change fight can create millions of jobs..." Telegraph And
there it is. The scam. Tony Blair says that the fight to halt the inevitable
will create jobs, which means it will create more tax, and more tax,
and still more tax. Creating jobs from thin air is what it is all about.
Jobs which will have no impact other than the gathering of yet more
tax. However it will not stop cyclical warming of
the planet, much as they would like it to. It wont. Until the third
world say "...yes we are not going to
proceed to drag ourselves from poverty by supplying the first world
with cheap goods. Instead we will slip back into our usual under privileged
ways to save the planet." People, check the skies for pork. |
|
| 16th Sept 2009 | |
EDDIE
IZZARD THE MARATHON MAN |
|
You
have to take your hat off to Eddie Izzard. 43 marathon's in 52 days.
You have to wonder how he did it. Health pundits are agape at the
feat (sorry about the pun) for no matter which way you cut it, this
is something extraordinary for a man who trained for only five weeks.
Some marathon runners take a year to prepare. 1100 miles at the age
of 47 with little or no previous experience. Herculean is the only
way to describe it. Bravo! |
|
| 16th Sept 2009 | |
WE NEED
CUTS - GORDON BROWN |
|
'Mr
Brown told union delegates in Liverpool: "Labour will cut costs,
cut inefficiencies, cut unnecessary programs and cut lower priority
budgets.' (Telegraph)
Given that this government swelled the ranks of the civil service to
750,000 don't you think Gordon you should have thought of this at the
first inkling of fiscal free fall two years ago. Prudent? My arse! NEXT -
Gordon Brown invents the wheel! |
|
| 15th Sept 2009 | |
NOBODY
SPINS IT LIKE MANDELSON |
|
Isn't
it amazing. Mandy couldn't get himself arrested back at the early
reign of the Nouvelle Labour government back in 2001. In fact he
was in trouble for helping Indian millionaires with their passport
applications if memory serves me. Now after a spot of lucrative exile
in Brussels, he's LORD Mandy of Tushie, the gaylord spin doctor and
best friend of one time arch nemesis Gordo the prudent. Who would
have thought it. Lord Mandelson... mmm doesn't sit comfortably on
the tongue that one. No more than Lord Prescott of Pie would do and
we're sure that one's coming at some stage. So here's Mandy, now
the super spinner - if anyone knows about spinning it should be him,
I suppose, as he's had to embrace it as a means of survival. So let's
see what's he said... We're all doomed doomed I tell you. "Thatcherism
will come back if the Conservatives get back in..." That would
be like, after 13 years of Labour misrule perhaps? That sounds so
familiar. No matter. Well lets have some Thatcherism then its what
the country needs right now. Strong leadership and return to fiscal
common sense. we've had thirteen years of Labour squandering the
cash, putting us into debt and spend, spend, spending like there
is no tomorrow - and there wont be a tomorrow if they go on at their
present rate. They blew the gold at rock bottom selling price. Spent
all the cash in the coffers and put every man. woman and child in debt.
750 billion of it and climbing. There is one thing though Mand', for
Thatcherism to raise it head again, surely you need a Thatcher? We've
tried "Cronyism"
for the last 12 years or so, let's have a return "Thatcherism"
for a while just to get things straight again. |
|
| 15th Sept 2009 | |
HERE COMES AN ELECTION |
|
|
Yes its a sure sign that there's an election coming
when the government does rapid 'U' turns. One minute they are ranting
that the Conservatives will ruin the economy by making cuts, then
when they see that the people expect cuts as a result of the disastrous
economy, they decide that it's a vote winner and leap on the band
wagon themselves. What else? Oh there's the impending 'U' turn on
new rulings that would govern the safety of children coming into
contact with adults and brand us all pedophiles unless proven otherwise.
Paranoia is another word for it. "..this
place is full of vultures, vultures everywhere..." Yes
thank you Gordon Brown for that. Anyway, another vote loser presumably
as very quickly they are rethinking their controlling new edict.
Make no mistake, this government is all about controlling the people.
This master stroke of sloppy and ill advised planning, one presumes,
is designed to make children suspicious of adults and keep them at
arms length, starved of affection or any ability to form trusting
relationships outside their families which will of course result
in them being incapable of showing any affection when they themselves
become adults. Hey, why not send them all to boarding schools run
by buxom blonde women in white coats; like a sort of Labour government
equivalent of Lebensborn. Then they wouldn't have to come into contact
with any potential adult perverts - except for the big blonde women
of course. That way they could grow up completely detached from love,
kindness or affection in a rarified environment that would turn them
into great human beings, but more importantly, labour voters. |
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