BULLSHIT NEWS BRITISHNESS TEST

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In view of the Britishness test being asked of would be British citizens, the questions of which made locals scratch their heads, we thought we’d put our own casual test forward to give those wishing for British citizenship a bit more of a chance.

1. On a Friday Night would you…
a) Prefer to stay home working on your English.
b) Be working hard at some menial task for poor wages.
c) Be down the local Cock & Beaver club binge drinking yourself to oblivion then puking up in the gutter and picking fights with the local constabulary.

2. Concerning your home, if you were in council accommodation would you…
a) Enjoy the comforts of your home, being with your children, watching TV, reading and cooking your favourite foods.
b) Work carefully learning at home to become more skilled to get a better job.
c) Put your music and TV on so loud that people living three streets away could feel their teeth vibrate, get the dog to bark incessantly, pick a row with your petulant teenage daughter then threaten violence when asked to tone the noise down.

3. Do you spit…
a) No.
b) Only in extreme circumstances.
c) Yeah all the time because you saw footballers do it on telly and think its cool and its none of your fuckin’ business anyway, yeah!

4. Your children at school….
a) Work hard because they know it is the root to wealth and success and true freedom
b) Are eager to get as much knowledge as they can so that they can climb the ladder to success.
c) Don’t give a shit and think clever hard working people just aren’t cool and suckers who make good targets for idiots who can barely write their names to bully.

5. Politics : You see John Prescott on TV
a) You marvel at his girth. This truly is a land flowing with milk (cheap milk) and honey and Pies.
b) You think fondly of an Elephant you once knew – on a platonic level of course.
c) You think, “Fuck me, how did that fat bastard get into politics, he can barely string two words together.”

These have been just a few questions to test your knowledge and spirit. The answers were all (c) though on question 5, any one would have sufficed.

GIVE 16yr OLDS THE VOTE! WHAT…?

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The Power Inquiry, chaired by Baroness Helena Kennedy are using emotive phrases like Politics in Danger of Meltdown! – to push for radical changes to the politics of this country? This is just the same hyped fear mongering they used over Iraq to get public opinion on their side. Are they suggesting then that democracy is in danger? Well adjustments are a good idea and politics can awlways be improved in this land but giving 16 year olds the vote? Come on mate! What are these loonies thinking? Of all the 16 year olds, how many of them will have a true sense of what is right and what is wrong rather than an idealistic vision based on what they want, rather than what we need. This would be as measured a judgement as would be a decision to put handles on the inside of cups to stop them being broken.

The government is talking of raising the age limit on the purchase of cigarettes. How then can they even think of lowering the age on something much more dangerous. Giving 16 year olds the vote is like putting a loaded gun in the hands of a child. If however, they do lower the voting age – also the age at which they can become an MP – they should then consider doing something about the spiralling motor insurance rates. Reduce the bias and agree that teenagers are more responsible than we give them credit for. Can you see insurance companies going for that based on historical records. Surely then they should also lower the age at which teenagers can drive too… to 16. In which case, the age of consensual homosexuality should also be lowered to 16, with the heterosexual age limit for sexual intercourse being lowered to say 14. The drinking age should then be lowered to allow 16 year old sixth formers to pop down the pub. Alter too the age limits on adult and horror films. A younger age group must therefore be less affected than we once thought they would be by violent or sexually explicit films.

No you have to ask, what half baked group of politically correct lefty loonies thought up the idea to lower the voting age. It can only be a group that would see themselves as the main beneficiaries of such a change. A body that would welcome the idealistic voting from a vast body of ill informed, emotional, hormonal immature adults. The New (old) Labour Party. Well who else!

CLIMBING WALL STOLEN?

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It could only happen in America. We thought thieves who stole a Henry Moore Bronze statue had to be a bit off the wall as the thing weighed over a ton. But in Memphis, Tennessee, (home of Elvis) thieves stole an entire rock climbing wall weighing in at 2700 kilos. Just imagine the logistics of that!

First of all, it’s not a one man job. One guy in a hooped sweater and face mask isn’t going to carry this off. It’s going to take a crew of guys and frankly I reckon that the hooped sweaters and masks en masse will give them away sooner or later. Secondly, it’s going to require a hell of a big swag bag. The letters themselves will be at least six feet tall not to mention the size of the bag – though you’d have to know what you were looking for before it dawned on you what was happening. “Say Doris, does that say SWAG?”

I mean, it’s not the sort of thing that happens on a day to day basis. Also, how do you fence a thing like a climbing wall. Surely you don’t just hawk it round bars, “Psst! Say buddy, want to buy a climbing wall going cheap? We can deliver.” And who came up with the idea? “Look Chuck I’ve got this great idea. Let’s nick that climbing wall.

The good news is that it was recovered though what the thieves thought they would do with it is mystifying.

THE GOVERNMENT WANT YOU TO SMOKE?

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A recent study has found that eCigarettes are 95% less harmful than smoking tobacco and could be prescribed by the NHS to help England’s 8 million smokers kick their habit. So if you’re like us, you’re probably wondering, what the hell is an ecigarette? Bullshit News are here to help.

An eCigarette is what all the cool kids and “health conscious” are using to smoke these days. An eCiagarette which can also be referred to as a vaping device or box mod consists of a battery, a tank and an atomizer. The tank contains nicotine in a solution of either Propylene Glycol or Vegetable Glycerin combined with some additional flavoring. The atomizer or coil contains a wick usually made of cotton that absorbs the liquid from the tank. When you suck on the device the atomizer or coil heats up and the eliquid on the wick evaporates giving you a direct hit of nicotine combined with some flavoring without any of the additional harmful chemicals found in regular cigarettes that increase the risk of cancer, lung disease and stroke.

With flavors such as pizza, ice-cream, cookies and mountain dew, it’s no surprise that there has been in an increase in the number of people “vaping”. What’s interesting though is that the report found a direct correlation between the rise in ecigarette use and a decrease in smoking. It goes on to explain that ecigarettes are now the most popular method people are using to quit smoking and that they pose no risk of nicotine poisoning when used appropriately. The reason that ecigarettes have become such a popular way to help people quit is because you can slowly taper down the amount of nicotine you are getting. Every few weeks you can lower the amount of nicotine you get until you are only smoking or “vaping” flavored water vapor. We can’t help but feel like a lot of people will taper off the nicotine but continue to vape cookie flavored vapor though. still, It’s far safer than smoking, so even if people are walking around smoking one of the thousands of available flavors out there, at least it will be reducing the number of smoking related diseases. The millions of pounds saved by this reduction can then be spent on infrastructure or education instead which we are all for!

Once ecigarettes are classified as regulated medical products towards the end of 2016 the NHS will begin giving out vaping starter kits to smokers. Unfortunately the starter kits will only contain tobacco flavored ejuice so you will have to buy some of the crazy flavors on your own dime. The kits will contain either a rebuildable dripping atomizer (RDA) or a rebuildable tank atomizer (RTA). The Rebuildable tank atomizer is expected to be more popular as you simply fill a tank with eliquid and go about your day, much like a regular cigarette.

The review goes on to say that ecigarettes should not be treated the same as standard cigarettes and should be allowed in prisons and hospitals which we aren’t sure we agree with. There is a trend amongst vapers called cloud chasing where the aim is to make the biggest cloud of vapor possible. I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure most people in hospital don’t want to have to lie in a room with someone vaping pizza flavored vapor all day!

I’m not sure about you, but I think I would lose my mind if I wanted to smoke only to find that my cigarette was out of battery! However, for those who are hell bent on trying it, we actually reached out to a popular vaping company that sells eliquid so our readers can get 10% off. To get the Vapordna Coupon simply visit their site and enter the code “DNA10” and you too can be smoking cookie flavored vapor in no time!

THERE ARE ALIENS!

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Absolutely true according to Tom L. Ron Cruise. Well he would know. To quote the X Files, the truth is out there and frankly, so’s Tom. Is it me or is he getting fruit loopy by the day. When so many yes men agree with your every word I guess you are bound to believe you have all the answers. Lost his cool over a water pistol, subscribes to the L. Ron Hubbard school of Scientology (you got an ‘ology, you’re a scientist) spouting off to the German press that there must be aliens out in space. This is method in the extreme. Sounds to us as though Nicole got out just in time. What’s next Tom, throwing food across restaurants and punching people who don’t agree with you. Don’t look now but the ego has landed. Looking forward to the film though – even though I haven’t been able to take you seriously as an actor since… even though I haven’t been able to take you seriously as an actor.

Coffee Filters – Bullshit

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You know how important it is to get a good cup of coffee? And how expensive coffee filters are? And how you need to buy a specific type of filter that fits perfectly inside your machine? And the ONLY way you’re going to get a decent cup is by doing exactly what you’re told, right? BULLSHIT

I’ve just been round Gooner’s house and his wife slapped two sheets of kitchen roll (generic, unpatterned) into the coffemaker and away to go – Brilliant!

Want weaker coffee – use three sheets
Espresso – one sheet
Cappuccino – get a straw and blow

Now tell everybody and together we can put these filter-fakers out of business

IDENTITY CARDS THE ANSWER

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Roll up roll up, get your identity cards here. Priced to go. Anywhere between £93 and £300 depending on whether you believe the government or the LSE who estimate the cost to the tax payer at £300. Nonsense say the government. Though on the basis that the they’ll promise you anything to get re-elected in four years time, the cost will be capped – according to Charles Clarke – at £30 pounds, suggesting of course that the cost will still be borne by the tax payer, just in a another form. Of course they will probably cost a hell of a lot more abroad but you can bet your sweet bippy that in less time than it takes to book a seat for a Cheri Blair No.10 lecture, they will be apperaing’ like pop corn in somewhere like China or India, available to any old illegal or terrorist wanting to get through the back door into Britain making them as legit as £3 note. So examine your neighbour carefully and if his name is anything like Osama Dun Roamin, mention it to a constabulary near you

LESSONS IN DRIVING FOR WHITE VAN MAN

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Want to know where your tax goes to. Well it seems the government plan to give white van man lessons on how to drive. They want them to be more considerate. White hair man, Alistaire Darling (isn’t he though) said it would be good for everyone. Yes darling it will, except we don’t see how you’re going to get the white van men that need it in to the training centres. You’ll get the drivers who don’t need it without any trouble, quiet, stable older men who get on with the job and cause very little trouble. In fact men who don’t need further training. As for the others, well how are you going to convince them that their dicks aren’t an integral part of their engine. Macho men – usually small guys with pin heads and close cropped hair whose outlet for aggression is tailgating at 70 miles an hour and being faster than any other car on the road. Hey haven’t you heard, they own the road.

Well it’s a joint deal with minicab drivers and lorries. Everyone else is just an amateur with no right to be in front of them. Often they have dark glasses to make them look cool (in a white van?) yes! They think they look cool. Let them go on thinking it. It’s good for a laugh. Some have put alloy wheels on their little Escort HiTops. All wear polo shirts (obligatory) carry copies of the Sun or Mirror and constantly chew gum. Of course minicab drivers have the right not to signal, to drive in the middle of two lane highways and to ignore traffic signs. Lorry drivers of course have the right to pull out on you without consulting their mirrors when you’re about to overtake them, tailgate you on motorways and block the outside lane of a two lane highway when trying to overtake another lorry going one mile an hour slower. They also by reason of their size have no problem nearly causing an accident by bullying their bulk at you as they know they’ll always come off better, (Eddie Stobart lorries are an exception to this rule). Well good luck darling with this scheme. Sounds like tax money well spent and if it satisfies you as we know you hate white vans and have constant runins with them, then its a good thing. Right!

Magnet Therapy Nonsense

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I read an interesting article recently on Reuters in which they have a go at the multi-million dollar ‘Magnet Therapy’ BULLSHIT. (Over $1 billion in 2006, according to some sources).

The practice has increased several-fold worldwide, but particularly (and here’s the surprise) in the spiritual home of the fad – The US of A. There has never been any legitimate evidence or medical support whatsoever that there is even a hint of value to the claims that magnets are of therapeutic value. Two US scientists, professors Leonard Finegold and Bruce Flamm, writing in the British Medical Journal have added their considerable weight to the movement aimed at demythologising this and other quackery.

But this doesn’t stop people from getting rich – very rich off exploiting the weaknesses and naiveties a gullible and in some sad cases, desperate public.

And here’s the rub – magnets may be legally advertised by top celebrities, sportsmen, etc. because they use subjective techniques such as “It really makes me feel good” (Well, of course you feel good, you just got paid!) as opposed to “It’ll really make you feel good” which would be libelous. In such a ‘non-evidence restricted situation’, you can say what you like so long as you don’t make and specific medical claims.

The other reason why such products are allowed to escape scrutiny is because unlike Thalidomide or Vioxx, they’re harmless. You could package Tic tacs as an unspecific medication, should you so choose.

Also, surely if tissue can be influenced by the tiny force exerted by these little magnets, wouldn’t there be a catastrophic reaction to massive forces generated by resonance imaging (MRI).

In all fairness, I wouldn’t be getting so hot under the collar about somebody handing over a couple of dollars for a silly looking bracelet in the mistaken belief that it helps them in some way. I’m a huge believer in psychological comforts. However, there’s increasing evidence that a growing number of (particularly poor) sufferers are turning to pseudo-medical snake oil dealers instead of getting the evidence-based medicine they need.

“Patients should be advised that magnet therapy has no proved benefits,” said Finegold, “If they insist on using a magnetic device they could be advised to buy the cheapest — this will at least alleviate the pain in their wallet.”

Interesting Aside: After writing this, someone pointed out an article published in Science Daily in which they quote the British Medical Journal’s report on research conducted at The Peninsula Medical School in Exeter, UK. The research was conducted among 194 patients suffering from osteoarthritis of the hhip or knee over a 12 week trial and suggested that improvements were noted among those wearing a highly charged magnetic bracelet as opposed to those wearing a placebo.
However, (and you just knew I’d say that) they also agreed that a true test was not possible, as the true placebo conditions could not be followed, as those with magnets on their wrists knew straight away, given the magnetic properties.

THE NEXT REALITY TV – “LET’S MAKE A BABY”

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Yeah so it was just a scam, or an exercise to see how low TV execs would sink to get ratings but they damn near pulled it off. The response from buyers for the show was astounding and people were queuing for a chance to lay and get layed by a complete stranger and ipso facto, make a baby. No its a true story, check it out for yourselves at the BBC News site Just how gross will people be in the pursuit of the two things on offer here. One the money and two the fame. Just how base is the desire to have someone come up and ask for your autograph. To think that at the Cannes TV sales fair the BBC producers who had no intention of going through with the idea were almost swept off their feet by the enthusiasm of other networks eager to sign it up. Bizarre! I mean at the end of all this there’s a baby, a child, a person. Just what would they tell him or her when they were old enough. Yes kid you were the apple of our eye and hey, it made us famous, now shut up and stop annoying us! So just what will they come up with next in the reality scramble for ratings.

What about “Check Out My Dump!” contestants compete to see who has the best formed excrement over a period of two weeks. First one with constipation or diarrhoea is expelled from the latrine. They could have a house shaped like an intestine and fart, wee and poo gags would keep us in fits for hours. They could discuss the merits of their diets and what diet produces the best formed turds. They could freeze dry them and sell them in the gift shop direct to the adoring public hovering outside (where do they find all those idiots who do that on Big Brother, renta-a-clot?) You just gotta brace yourselves because for sure it will have to something gross as the public are getting used to the now very dry boring sameness of the Big Brother house. I know, what about a house full of second rate, over the hill, shop soiled politicians (no shortage of them) where they have to train as gladiators and one by one kill each other until there is only one left. Yeah, I like the sound of that. “I’m Spartacus…” “No I farted first…” Whatever!