THE UK PREPARED FOR TERRORIST ATTACKS

The good news is that we are well prepared for this Al Queda chappy who seems to be hell bent on getting drummed out of the brownies. Clearly out of his tiny mind, he now has it in for Britain after giving the ozzies a bit of a panning in Bali – something we haven’t yet been able to do to their cricket team. So are we prepared? Well I gather that we are. Since last week when there were fears that he was to loose a gas attack on the London tube (I’ve been doing that successfully for years) it has been announced that measures are in place to make sure that this and other target areas are well protected with early warning systems in place. For example, the government have insisted – possibly Tony Bleagh himself – that an extra man is stationed just inside the entrance to Ealing Broadway station with instructions to report to his head of department (not after 6pm when he’ll have gone home for the night) in the event that he has any suspicions of shady characters boarding the tube with possible intent. At First, Ken Livingstone was against the idea saying wasn’t it better to just put fares up instead but after John Prescott’s intervention – a swift punch to the solar plexus and several violent threats involving the driving over his body in a new Jag – the matter was solved. What’s more all nuclear power stations are, I am reliably informed, fully protected by a man with a brush. Just the one man of course to save expense but he has a bicycle and a pass for the railways – when they again start to run on time. Briton’s can sleep easy knowing that such preparations have been made.

SUNNY D-TOX – kool kids drink it at their peril

SunnyD

Sunny Delight bares about as much relationship to a refreshing, thirst quenching drink as freshly bottled urine. The wholesome image portrayed in the televevision advertising is – we think – a load of hooey! We tried this concoction – New Orange Outburst – and found it… well frankly disgusting. It left a chemical aftertaste like toxic waste that lingered for well over half an hour and the flavour itself was synthetic and unpleasant with very little similarity to orange outbursting or otherwise and none at all to fresh orange juice. In the end it called for good old fashoined water to rinse out the mouth. If you have read the fine print on the side of the label, you will have noticed the ingredeints which are as follows. Check out the links! Vitamin enriched Citrus beverage with sweeteners. Ingredients: Water, fruit juice 15% (Orange, Lime, Mandarin and Grapefruit juice), Citric acid, Vegetable oil, Preservative : Polyphosphate, Modified Starch, Natural Flavourings, Vitamin C, Thickener: Guar Gum, Preservative: Potassium Sorbate, Sweetners: Acesulfame K and Aspartame, Thickners: Xanthan Gum and Gellan Gum, Beta-Carotene (Pro-Vitamin A), Vitamin B6, Thiamin (Vitamin B1) Contains a source of Phenylalanine (…Intake of phenylalanine by people with penylketonuria (PKU) will cause mental retardation, especially in children ……)
Most importantly it tastes awful but would you want your kids to drink this stuff. Talk about getting you hooked. This drink is owned by a very well known cola company who know just what they are doing. Now we’re not telling you to stop drinking it – if you must, though you must have deadened taste buds – we’re just saying, read the bottle first. Enjoy!

BOO-HOO POOH!

Winnie-the-Pooh

Disney recently sought an injunction on toy bears manufactured in China and imported into Sweden that apparently bore a striking resemblance to Winnie-the-Pooh. They want the 25,000 bears destroyed which they insist are illegal replicas because of their trade mark red shirt and that they projected “the same attitude and facial expression…”. They may bear a striking resemblance to the original Pooh Bear which coincidentally also can be said of Disney’s romanticised, homogenised and repackaged Pooh. However, I don’t imagine that A.A.Milne ever envisaged “Crud the dust monster” or Christopher Robin with an American accent clad in trainers and sweatshirt wearing a baseball cap.

THE TRAFFIC PROBLEM – SOLUTIONS

Traffic Jam

With a crisis in the state of traffic on British roads, the government is tireless at finding newer and more punitive ways of making it purgatory for the British motorist to go about their daily business. Here we offer some alternatives which might or might not appeal to the brown-rice-open-toed-sandal-and-kaftan-wearing-socialist-getemofftheroad-lobby who’s only apparent plan seems to be to tax the motorists until their pips squeak and out of existence without any real insight or solution to the problem.

1. Make it compulsory for all government and opposition MPs and their assistants commute by public transport during the rush hour to experience the full pleasures of the public transport system. As Government gradually grinds to a halt, watch how fast things improve.

2. Make everybody work from home.

3. Make petrol and road tax so high that everyone will stay at home… “…I need to go to the hospital today but I just can’t afford it. I think I’ll stay at home and die!” “… ring the company and say I’m sick love. It’ll save a few bob on petrol.”

4. Educate all children at home over the internet like children in the outback of Australia. That’ll cut down the school run!

5. Rather than raising tax on roads and fuel, pay people to stay home. There should be plenty of takers for that.

6. Build better roads and update public transport. (Dream on)

7. Make it law that all shopping be done at home over the internet eradicating what the government might see as unnecessary journeys. This way there will be a lot fewer cars on the roads and a few more TNT lorries, thereby making Rupert Murdoch richer. It’ll also bring down the price of commercial premises which can then be turned into take away franchises – WE DELIVER!

8. Define unnecessary journey!

9. Allow only people who’s surnames begin with letters from A to F to drive on Mondays, E to J on Tuesdays….etc.

10. Ban the car and lets go back to horses. At least the roses will be prolific and bright and red….