Is it true love with the one he loves most? Yes but it looks as though the magic has gone out of the Cruise – Holmes relationship. Watchers say the couple, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are not as thick as they were. Indeed, that they are at each others throats and that Christmas with the potential in-laws was a disaster. Looks like that marriage may not get launched even, never mind get the chance to hit the rocks. We just don’t get it Katie, how could you not love a man whose beliefs insist that you are silent whilst you force something the size of a small turkey through your vagina. Ridiculous. Turkey? How ironic. We have to wonder, that silence thing, is it that you wont get into heaven if you do a bit of yelling, yuh know, like there’ll be a guy at the pearly gates waiting – maybe L. Ron Hubbard himself – saying “…ah now let’s just check. Yes sorry you were a screamer during birth… sorry you can’t get into heaven.” Look, if that happens, just ask why. What’s the reason. Hey whilst you’re at it ask what the deal is with prayer shawls worn under the clothes and wild eyed evangelists preaching hell and damnation from a Mercedes and Burkas particularly the one eyed variety.
Meanwhile what’s the deal with South Park? For heaven sake Tom, you’d look great in cardboard cut outs. So they had a dig at your sexuality. Hey its nothing we didn’t already have our suspicions about. Is it the presence of Nicole Kidman and your Scientology chum John Travolta – hey John wake up! – or is it this coming out of the closet thing, the L. Ron Hubbard cupboard. Sounds mighty funny to us. Aw, go on Tom, Thomas, Tommy-boy, go on let it come to the UK. Lighten up buddy. Look we’ve all seen your performance in War of the Worlds and Minority Report and, well take your pick, its the same in all of them. Surely South Park would have given you a new dimension. Hey well, listen, you take care. Oh and watch out for guys with squirty microphones or custard pies now. Keep your guard up!