| 2006 | |
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... now and then)
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| February 11th 2006 | |
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PROMISCUOUS TEENAGE TONGUE HOCKEY CONDEMNED
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 "Are you blowing... ...you should be sucking" |
"Intimate kissing of many
different partners can quadruple a teenager's risk of meningitis, a
study has found."(BBC) Yeah, well that's always been the case.
This is nothing new. However, what this needs is a pamphlet to make
teenagers aware, to curb their ardour, to steady their buffs, to cool
their lust. At the same time it could cover the evils of smoking and
drinking and bad behaviour, too many burgers, farting in public, yawing
near pigeons, the scourge of flared trousers. The title of the pamphlet should be something like... "For Teenagers - More Advice You Can Ignore". Do they really think they'll slow the march of ubiquitous teen hormones by telling them that there is a higher risk of Meningitis from kissing? Clearly they do. But this is all based on serious research. By 'multiple partners' they mean seven plus a month. In other words, should a young lady find herself the mascot of a seven aside football team, she should stop when she gets to number six. Cut out the goalie perhaps. Or should a guy find himself in a similar situation he should... well he should be careful he doesn't drop the soap in the communal shower... if it's that kind of team. If that isn't an issue and right up his street, he should restrict himself to the first half dozen and keep one as spare. This will of course open up a whole new commercial area. |
| " Do you play tongue
hockey 'Big Time'? Do you kiss more than seven people a month? Is your
tongue wrapped around seven sets of tonsils between pay cheques. If
the answer is yes, then you need 'Head Condoms'. Yes Head Condoms fit
completely over your head with a special mouth section that fits comfortably
into the mouth and provides a spacious accessible area for invasive
third party tongues. They come in three super flavours. For him they
come in perfect peach, sexy strawberry and ready salted, for her they
come in chilled beer, smooth chocolate and familiar anchovy. Head Condoms
are specially lubricated for your kissing pleasure. Get them where you
see the entwined tongue logo or your nearest street corner drug dealer."Then
of course there would be oral disinfectants, nasal washes (as this is
where the viruses lodge) Tongue protectors - in various colours. To avoid the hazards of this latest health risk we might apply a whole new line of thinking on the kissing thing though. What about nuzzling instead? Low health risk, and a big turn on if done right. As is the tongue in the ear. Sales of cotton buds would soar (note to self: take up share option in Johnson & Johnson). Maybe the answer would be to stand around necking, just kissing necks sort of thing whilst feeling up the other party's genitalia. This would take the mind off the loss of the tongue wrestling and focus the mind in a Zen kind of way. It would also give you a good stiffy and sticky fingers. Sure, all this could really catch on. Perhaps we could revert to a more primitive behaviour. For example, dogs smell each others butts. Maybe we could try that for a while, though sitting at the back of a cinema doing it might cause certain complications and necessitate some pre-composed snappy excuses for when you are ejected from the auditorium. "Look we were just saying hello, alright?". Maybe not. I guess we're just going to have to live dangerously in that case. I can't see any teenager being warned off kissing because some old gob has said it's dangerous. It's no more dangerous than it ever was. So grab it now kids and lovers whilst you can, 'cos when you get older, people start going 'Bleaaagh! Gross' when they see you doing it. Just that thought is a deterrent in itself. There's a commercial on British TV that shows an older couple playing tongue hockey. Its a commercial for denture fixing compound. That's put me off the idea for ever. Good Luck! |
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