BULLSHIT NEWS BRITISHNESS TEST

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In view of the Britishness test being asked of would be British citizens, the questions of which made locals scratch their heads, we thought we’d put our own casual test forward to give those wishing for British citizenship a bit more of a chance.

1. On a Friday Night would you…
a) Prefer to stay home working on your English.
b) Be working hard at some menial task for poor wages.
c) Be down the local Cock & Beaver club binge drinking yourself to oblivion then puking up in the gutter and picking fights with the local constabulary.

2. Concerning your home, if you were in council accommodation would you…
a) Enjoy the comforts of your home, being with your children, watching TV, reading and cooking your favourite foods.
b) Work carefully learning at home to become more skilled to get a better job.
c) Put your music and TV on so loud that people living three streets away could feel their teeth vibrate, get the dog to bark incessantly, pick a row with your petulant teenage daughter then threaten violence when asked to tone the noise down.

3. Do you spit…
a) No.
b) Only in extreme circumstances.
c) Yeah all the time because you saw footballers do it on telly and think its cool and its none of your fuckin’ business anyway, yeah!

4. Your children at school….
a) Work hard because they know it is the root to wealth and success and true freedom
b) Are eager to get as much knowledge as they can so that they can climb the ladder to success.
c) Don’t give a shit and think clever hard working people just aren’t cool and suckers who make good targets for idiots who can barely write their names to bully.

5. Politics : You see John Prescott on TV
a) You marvel at his girth. This truly is a land flowing with milk (cheap milk) and honey and Pies.
b) You think fondly of an Elephant you once knew – on a platonic level of course.
c) You think, “Fuck me, how did that fat bastard get into politics, he can barely string two words together.”

These have been just a few questions to test your knowledge and spirit. The answers were all (c) though on question 5, any one would have sufficed.

GIVE 16yr OLDS THE VOTE! WHAT…?

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The Power Inquiry, chaired by Baroness Helena Kennedy are using emotive phrases like Politics in Danger of Meltdown! – to push for radical changes to the politics of this country? This is just the same hyped fear mongering they used over Iraq to get public opinion on their side. Are they suggesting then that democracy is in danger? Well adjustments are a good idea and politics can awlways be improved in this land but giving 16 year olds the vote? Come on mate! What are these loonies thinking? Of all the 16 year olds, how many of them will have a true sense of what is right and what is wrong rather than an idealistic vision based on what they want, rather than what we need. This would be as measured a judgement as would be a decision to put handles on the inside of cups to stop them being broken.

The government is talking of raising the age limit on the purchase of cigarettes. How then can they even think of lowering the age on something much more dangerous. Giving 16 year olds the vote is like putting a loaded gun in the hands of a child. If however, they do lower the voting age – also the age at which they can become an MP – they should then consider doing something about the spiralling motor insurance rates. Reduce the bias and agree that teenagers are more responsible than we give them credit for. Can you see insurance companies going for that based on historical records. Surely then they should also lower the age at which teenagers can drive too… to 16. In which case, the age of consensual homosexuality should also be lowered to 16, with the heterosexual age limit for sexual intercourse being lowered to say 14. The drinking age should then be lowered to allow 16 year old sixth formers to pop down the pub. Alter too the age limits on adult and horror films. A younger age group must therefore be less affected than we once thought they would be by violent or sexually explicit films.

No you have to ask, what half baked group of politically correct lefty loonies thought up the idea to lower the voting age. It can only be a group that would see themselves as the main beneficiaries of such a change. A body that would welcome the idealistic voting from a vast body of ill informed, emotional, hormonal immature adults. The New (old) Labour Party. Well who else!

CLIMBING WALL STOLEN?

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It could only happen in America. We thought thieves who stole a Henry Moore Bronze statue had to be a bit off the wall as the thing weighed over a ton. But in Memphis, Tennessee, (home of Elvis) thieves stole an entire rock climbing wall weighing in at 2700 kilos. Just imagine the logistics of that!

First of all, it’s not a one man job. One guy in a hooped sweater and face mask isn’t going to carry this off. It’s going to take a crew of guys and frankly I reckon that the hooped sweaters and masks en masse will give them away sooner or later. Secondly, it’s going to require a hell of a big swag bag. The letters themselves will be at least six feet tall not to mention the size of the bag – though you’d have to know what you were looking for before it dawned on you what was happening. “Say Doris, does that say SWAG?”

I mean, it’s not the sort of thing that happens on a day to day basis. Also, how do you fence a thing like a climbing wall. Surely you don’t just hawk it round bars, “Psst! Say buddy, want to buy a climbing wall going cheap? We can deliver.” And who came up with the idea? “Look Chuck I’ve got this great idea. Let’s nick that climbing wall.

The good news is that it was recovered though what the thieves thought they would do with it is mystifying.

THE GOVERNMENT WANT YOU TO SMOKE?

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A recent study has found that eCigarettes are 95% less harmful than smoking tobacco and could be prescribed by the NHS to help England’s 8 million smokers kick their habit. So if you’re like us, you’re probably wondering, what the hell is an ecigarette? Bullshit News are here to help.

An eCigarette is what all the cool kids and “health conscious” are using to smoke these days. An eCiagarette which can also be referred to as a vaping device or box mod consists of a battery, a tank and an atomizer. The tank contains nicotine in a solution of either Propylene Glycol or Vegetable Glycerin combined with some additional flavoring. The atomizer or coil contains a wick usually made of cotton that absorbs the liquid from the tank. When you suck on the device the atomizer or coil heats up and the eliquid on the wick evaporates giving you a direct hit of nicotine combined with some flavoring without any of the additional harmful chemicals found in regular cigarettes that increase the risk of cancer, lung disease and stroke.

With flavors such as pizza, ice-cream, cookies and mountain dew, it’s no surprise that there has been in an increase in the number of people “vaping”. What’s interesting though is that the report found a direct correlation between the rise in ecigarette use and a decrease in smoking. It goes on to explain that ecigarettes are now the most popular method people are using to quit smoking and that they pose no risk of nicotine poisoning when used appropriately. The reason that ecigarettes have become such a popular way to help people quit is because you can slowly taper down the amount of nicotine you are getting. Every few weeks you can lower the amount of nicotine you get until you are only smoking or “vaping” flavored water vapor. We can’t help but feel like a lot of people will taper off the nicotine but continue to vape cookie flavored vapor though. still, It’s far safer than smoking, so even if people are walking around smoking one of the thousands of available flavors out there, at least it will be reducing the number of smoking related diseases. The millions of pounds saved by this reduction can then be spent on infrastructure or education instead which we are all for!

Once ecigarettes are classified as regulated medical products towards the end of 2016 the NHS will begin giving out vaping starter kits to smokers. Unfortunately the starter kits will only contain tobacco flavored ejuice so you will have to buy some of the crazy flavors on your own dime. The kits will contain either a rebuildable dripping atomizer (RDA) or a rebuildable tank atomizer (RTA). The Rebuildable tank atomizer is expected to be more popular as you simply fill a tank with eliquid and go about your day, much like a regular cigarette.

The review goes on to say that ecigarettes should not be treated the same as standard cigarettes and should be allowed in prisons and hospitals which we aren’t sure we agree with. There is a trend amongst vapers called cloud chasing where the aim is to make the biggest cloud of vapor possible. I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure most people in hospital don’t want to have to lie in a room with someone vaping pizza flavored vapor all day!

I’m not sure about you, but I think I would lose my mind if I wanted to smoke only to find that my cigarette was out of battery! However, for those who are hell bent on trying it, we actually reached out to a popular vaping company that sells eliquid so our readers can get 10% off. To get the Vapordna Coupon simply visit their site and enter the code “DNA10” and you too can be smoking cookie flavored vapor in no time!