DEREK BOND RELEASED

The good old FBI. Their most wanted fraud fugitive Derek Sykes alias Derek Bond has been arrested in Las Vegas following a tip off. Meanwhile, Brit pensioner Derek Bond who has languished in a South African jail for three weeks, despite all the technological advances that should facilitate quick appraisal, has at last been released. Now boys... are you absolutely sure you've got the right man this time uh??????

HUMAN SHIELDS HEAD FOR IRAQ

Now to my way of thinking, sending double decker busses to Iraq is probably the best covert cover story I have ever seen. I mean who in their right mind would believe that a bunch of buses crammed with anti war protesters would be anything other than an innocent attempt at getting the allies to hold their fire. Well its either that or a damned nifty way to set up a surveillance operation and help spot important targets such as power stations etc. Those big black busses will make great targets for American jets to line up on.

PORTILLO vs IAN DUNCAN-SMITH

It has to be said, IDS does not and never has looked like a leader. He's unattractive with weak features and a depressing personality. If the conservatives want to win the next election - and god knows there needs to be a change - they are going to need a personality who looks good in the media as well as having good policies. It's like a marriage. There's no point in being a hot shot in the bedroom if you always row in the sitting room. Portillo by contrast at least LOOKS like a leader as do several others (Chris Patton for one though he seems reluctant to stand) For god's sake Conservatives, look at the man you intend to pick for office. Get someone with charisma. Its more important than mere politics (clearly if you think about G Dubbya Bush) but for pity sake, get rid if Ian Duncan-Smith. He just ain't a winner!

GRACE MUGABE ON PARIS SHOPPING SPREE

Grace Mugabe was as ever, out and about in Paris yesterday with her entourage (that's like a posse of hangers on that insecure celebrities seem to need to help boost their egos). Thwarted in her desire for shoes - at one store the wife of some other African dictator got there before her and bought all styles in her size - she had to make do, one presumes, with any old wellies that came to hand. It must come as a great comfort to the poor and starving of Zimbabwe that Grace spends Zimbabwe's national wealth on kitting herself out in Versace and Gucci, Manolo Blahnik and as many other designers and couturiers as her DC9 personal jet can carry. Hey baby, what d'you call a pig wearing Armani - a pig!

Yeah they got a point. Perhaps the west should leave that sweet, passive, lovely natured humanitarian alone. Why it's a sin to even think of making war with a kind generous man like Saddam Hussein, benefactor, loving family man (you only have to see how well the kids are growing up to know that) father to his country. Perhaps it would be best Cormac and Rowan to quietly move him to another parish!

McDONALDS TO BE SUED FOR MAKING CHILDREN FAT

The parents of a group of obese American children are to sue McDonalds over a health issue. It seems they didn't understand that eating endless greasy cheese burgers, chips, sickly ice cream, donuts, and drinking sweetened cola would make them fat. Maybe McDonalds ought to produce a counter suit citing terminally stupid and overindulgent parents as the major cause of their weight gain.