| May 2003 | |
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Disneyland bed bugs, Tim Collins,
Charlton Heston, Rolls Royce
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BERNARD GUSSET'S
AFTERTHOUGHTS
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UK's
COL. TIM COLLINS GETS A SLAP!
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British coalition officer Colonel
Tim Collins has been caught by yet more friendly fire, courtesy
(American servicemen may need to look that word up) of the US armed
forces. It seems that an American army grunt, Re Biastre has objected
to the way Lt Col Collins - hero of the British armed forces - handled
himself in Iraq, citing him for various incidents and predominantly,
slapping an Iraqi (see below) member of the Baath Party - who's job
it was, remember, to carry out Saddam Hussein's rule which means torturing
or summarily shooting, hanging or beheading anyone at the whim of
his leader regardless of guilt or innocence; threatening his own people
with death if they left the scene of engagement and a variety unspeakable
and disgusting inhuman practices. Some of the complaints against Col.
Collins are as follows, that he |
 Col. Tim Collins seen here recklessly wielding a loaded finger |
| Re Biastre.... (obviously a Lockheed-Martin name and highly classified) ...the US soldier at the centre of this complaint has suggested that in future situations, harsh language be employed - along the lines of, "You're a very very naughty boy. Give us the information or we'll confiscate your Playstation!" Biastre is alleged to have said, "Hey this is not the way we do things in the US Army. We like to go in guns blazing, shoot down a few of our allies then interrogate the corpses after the fight - humanely of course! Then after we fuck-up big time we like to dream up ways in which things could have happened and call them fact, like when we bombed that Baghdad market place. Gee it was only natural for Iraqis to bomb themselves and everybody knew it!" | |
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BMW
UNVEIL NEW ROLLS
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BMW LAUNCH THE ROLLS ROYCE PANZER At long last BMW have launched the new Rolls Royce Panzer from their stunning new camouflaged factory (to make it environmentally acceptable they sank into the ground or rather raised the ground around it to form an attractive bunker) in West Sussex (Goodwood). The company are declaring the new Rolls Panzer a hit with three a week rushing of the assembly line and selling at the rate of one every so often. The Rolls Royce Panzer, (seen here in stunning livery of metallic blush and complimentary camouflage - turret optional) bodywork by Mulliner Park Krupp, has had interest from the wealthiest clients around the world or at least the oil rich middle east. |
| The new design
has stunned critics from all quarters. "It could almost pass for
a car." said one enthusiast, "..why those sleek lines and
very comfortable interior... if it wasn't for the bulky rear end and
inelegant front they might just get away with it. Frankly though if
you're going to invade somewhere, you want a battering ram at the front
don't you?" "I wouldn't have one if you paid me!" said a road sweeper from Portsmouth, "Why not?" we asked, "Well I've no where to park it and I don't plan to invade anyone soon." Said another local, "Phwor, its built like a tank innit?" The modern design award winning new factory has been built to the highest specifications on land owned by Lord March next to the Goodwood motor circuit. The roof of the building will be of grass to help it blend with its rural surroundings. However the proposed pop up rabbits and wildlife are just a rumour thus far. Lord March, best known for his public schoolboyish looks (very like a prefect from Tom Brown's School Days) and his love of feudal ways is delighted that he can hardly see the factory from Goodwood House, at least, not since planting a row of mature trees to blot out the view of its roof. Though it is hoped the factory will enhance Goodwood Enterprises, Lord March insisted that that wasn't the intention, with the directors of BMW and local council members agreeing that it was the most convenient place to build the factory. One disgruntled local from a nearby village said "It's like living at the bottom of Charlie's (Lord March) toy box." and another remarked sardonically, "...award winning design? Yeah wasn't the Tricorn centre in Portsmouth an award winning design in the seventies. They're going to pull that down!" Generally though most people are pleased about the factory, the directors of BMW, Lord March, Councillors car enthusiasts, everybody and its generally agreed that it has boosted an area of the country that was depressed and heavily lacking in employment - or was that Crewe? |
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| more car news at Auto Spies | |
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HOW
ADAM FAITH DIED IN MY ARMS...
... AND I SAW A WAY TO EXPLOIT IT! |
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"I suppose I saw
the opportunity from the start." said 23 year old shop assistant
(and part time modell?) Tanya. "Once I found out who he was I
realised I could have sex with a man old enough to be my grandpa.
It was my opportunity to show that I could kiss and tell but then
he upped and snuffed it before I had the chance. Then I thought about
it and realised that there was some mileage in it after all. I was
the last one to see him alive. I was with him when he had a heart
attack. It was just luck, being in the right place at the right time
if you know what I mean." "Well he was a bit old for my
tastes but then when you've got a gift horse you don't look it in
the mouth do you. I mean you can get used to anything given time.
It was great being the centre of attention when we went out for a
Chinese or something." "How did I handle his heart attack?
Well it was difficult really. I gave him the kiss of life but I couldn't
remember whether I should be sucking or blowing, makes me giggle now
when I think about it, he must have thought I was a real...."
".....I couldn't decide what to wear for the hospital, my black
patent high heels with a low cut backless chiffon dress or what....
oh just in case the press got there before us...." " I must
get on with my career now he's gone." "Where do I see it
going? Well since the publicity, I've had several offers of modd-ling,
mostly topless and er... one or two offers from older men. I'm looking
for a rich one next time!"
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PRINCE
EDWARD EXPECTING
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| Prince
Edward is expecting a media coup since the news that his wife Sophie
the Countess of Wessex is expecting a little event. The announcement
has put the couple in gay mood and The Earl's film production company
Ardent has a head start in the running to film the birth. He was eager
to express his joy at the good news. "Its marvellous, we haven't had a good project for a while. I see the opening credits on a black screen and the camera pulls back to reveal the baby's head just emerging. The camera pulls right back and then zooms in on me, directing in my baseball hat, that blue one I wear that makes me look like Steven Speilberg. Then there'll be a two shot of me with the camera, so that people can see I'm still part of the media, that makes me look rather cool, then a full length shot of me with the doctor, directing him and telling him what he should be doing in the next scene, then a full length one of me nodding knowingly at the camera, perhaps holding a clip board, I might be wearing sunglasses at this point too. The camera follows me around the bed and I pick up, the turkey baster and show it to the camera, a sort of 'how we did it' moment then I look down at the royal heir, which by this time is in a cot by the bed but that doesn't matter we can pretend that bit because the camera'll be on me. Finally a quick 2 second snap of Soph' - the countess of Wessex yeah - and then, well back to me again. What d'you think... Well come on try to look a a little bloody enthusiastic |
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| Palace announce the Countess of Wessex is pregnant | |
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IT REALLY IS A
SMALL WORLD AFTERALL
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The Ugly Bug Brawl Once a hapless UK family
sat and scratched, We just wont pay... |
| Allegedly it seems a British family were being eaten alive in their Disneyland hotel room by an infestation of ravenous bed bugs (Cimex Lectularius) on a recent visit to Disneyworld. The ugly bug ball and chow down is currently the subject of litigation. BBC's Watchdog programme aired the story - with photos supplied - in which the family claim that the Disney corporation had not returned their money or offered compensated of any sort - thus far. | |
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CHARLTON HESTON
RETIRES FROM NRA
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Well known charioteer and close personal friend of God Charlton Heston has at last decided to stand down as chairman of the National Rifle Association. On his resignation the Association presented him with an 1866 Winchester shotgun. With tears in his eyes he said, "Everytime I blow someone away with this, I'll get a lump in my throat and think of you guys. (Dramatic pause, laborious theatrical nod and deep intake of breath) ....yep, they'll have to prise this from my cold dead hands." he said furrowing the brow beneath his hairpiece. There's a good possibility that might happen Chuck, especially if an intruder exercising his right to bare arms shoots you now that you're struck down with Alzheimer's and infirm and not so quick on your pins luvvy. Still its what you fought for and I'm sure with your dying breath you'll bless him for his stand. |
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Charlton Heston here
wearing one of his favourite wigs
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Heston message to NRA Aug 2002 |
