| APRIL 2005 | |
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David Beckham and Posh
Spice nanny, Wayne Rooney and Colleen, UK election and Prince Charles
Gaff
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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STOP PRESS
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Congratulations Private Johnson Beharry VC |
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STOP PRESS 2
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Congratulations Dame Ellen MacArthur |
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| OPINION - Bernard Gusset Rants - Topical - Abigail Witchell stabbing | |
| Previous Month's Front Page | |
| 28th April 2005 | |
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SUPER CHAVS DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM TO GET NEW
NANNY
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 A Hollywood smile hides David Beckham's distress. |
Well that seems to be the case since they've kicked the other one Abbie Gibson into touch yeah? Dave and Posh are dead upset right? Yeah well they would be wooten they yeah, 'cos their nanny wot wos lookin' after the kids, that's like Brooklyn - named after a suburb of New York yeah - and Romeo - named after the Romeo cleaners on Eurotrash right - and Cruz - named after a piss up when they had no idea what they were doin okay - well she's like out naarh. Yeah well anyway, it turns out she's spilt to the News of the World about life inside the Beckham Manor yeah? |
 "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art... oh there you are... thought I'd lost him for a minute." |
I mean, wot is she like? I mean it isn't on, know wot I mean, yeah? It's not cricket is it... or football or stuff. Saying fings like, "....well I was working all hours, cleaning up the mess, wiping bottoms all day, mopping the dribbles from their mouths and picking up dirty clothes and toys and bits of food thrown all over the place. I mean it's not as though they were well behaved ever and the children were nearly as bad. Then Victoria or Posh as she is known - though god knows why she's as common as muck - starts throwing her weight about - all three and a half stone of it - demanding I stop seeing my friend Dannielle Heath, just because she's supposed to have had a bit of oral with uh, the footballing one... Dave, that's it...." |
 "Don't drop me mummy... again!" |
Well she can't go 'round telling people stuff like that, it's privileged info yeah? She's supposed to 'ave signed a contrac' and let's be honest, David Beckham deserves a bit of respec' awright? I mean, he is an important man when it comes to kickin' balls, and they've always tried to keep their private lives so quiet from the press init. They hardly ever encourage publicity... well except Posh a bit cos' 'er career is in freefall. One good fing is though with nothing 'appenin' on the singin' front yeah, right, she'll 'ave plenty of time to care for the kids now.... and once she gets to know 'em, who knows she may not need another nanny. Maybe they'll get to enjoy her singing them to sleep right.... although she hasn't yet managed to get through a song without them wailin' "... leave it out thingy, we're trying to get some kip!" |
| 26th April 2005 | |
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GREENPEACE ERECT SOLAR PANELS ON MRS PRESCOTT'S
HAIRDO
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John Prescott, the cunning Labour
linguist and UK diplomat was in fighting mood today - as, being a violent
thug made good, he is most days - when he learned that Greenpeace had
scared the guano out of his missus Pauline, by mussing her hair with a
solar panel which they erected before she could utter the words "The
pie's and chips have arrived!" When asked about it he said "I'm
not going to say anything about it.... I'm not giving that lot any publicity
for that, they've scared my wife...." thereby giving it plenty of
publicity (when will he learn to keep his gob shut?) You'd think being
married to the old red neck she'd be impervious to fear. Anyway he probably
also said, "...go on bugger off... get on a bus you amateurs..."
Yes it's true, John Prescott is a professional when it comes to abusive
and crass foul mouthed, explosive ranting. Funny how he takes the moral
high ground over an issue like this when he has no scruples at all about
biffing opposition politicians or paving over the South of England so
his two Jags have lots of space to transport his wife's bouffant 1970's
hairdo. |
| 20th April 2005 | |
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MARKS & SPENCER LAUNCH THEIR
NEW ITALIAN DESIGNER RANGE
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 From M&S Rome catalogue |
Marks & Spencer launched their new Italian designer range, Cardinal Togs, this week. The new designs this season have certainly caused a stir in their Rome branch. There has been talk that there is too little originality and that prices are too high, a problem for the troubled group since pretenders to their throne have emerged in the form of Primark and Matalan. Having said that, there seems to be no shortage of cash to buy them. One of their main problems though has been originality. Indeed it seems impossible to be unique when the same styles are duplicated through their many outlets. |
 I don't believe it! |
This has never been more evident than it was recently in Rome when a large number of identically dressed individuals all turned up together in St Peter's square. It was almost like a gathering of some great cult. Naturally they were fairly annoyed at first as one might expect (see left). Well no one wants to turn up to a party in the same frock as everyone else. |
 Put your left leg in....! |
However, very soon they forgot their differences and before you could say "Divine Intervention" they were all hitting it off as though it was the most natural thing in the world for a group of same sex party goers to be dressed in the same clothes. Within ten minutes they launched into the Hokey Cokey (see left) with real gusto and later as things wound down, they wandered off in groups and couples apparently in deep conversation, no doubt discussing the impending launch of the new NEXT catalogue. |
 We've Scored! It's a Pope! |
Later they played a friendly football match in the square, much to the delight of others who'd come to watch, some sporting M&S head wear from the latest Jamie Oliver tea towel range (see left) |
| 17th April 2005 | |
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ROONEY AND GIRLFRIEND IN TEMPESTUOUS
LOVE TRIANGLE
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 Mr & Miss Piggy |
Will their love endure? Not very likely as it now appears to based on one thing... money! It seems the girlfriend of Wayne Rooney (pictured left sporting look-how-butch-I-am tattoo), Colleen McLoughlin (also pictured left having to hold his head to stop him scoping other babes on the beach), is prepared to endure any indignity just to get her hands on his loot. He's slapped her, pulled her hair, thrown drinks at her and shouted at her in public. And you thought romance was dead. What a great role model he is. Like a couple of aggressive oinkers at the trough, these two very unattractive individuals got lucky one day when it was discovered Wayne could kick a ball about a bit. I know, says one football executive, lets give Wayne lots and lots of money for this talent and we'll all get rich! So that's what they did. Money well spent. Just what the world needs, another rich brainless footballer. Needless to say his trough is never empty and all thanks to those talented trotters, oh and a bloody good agent. |
| Now Wayne thinks he's Einstein
and Colleen whose talents begin and end in the bedroom must realise that
the third member of this menage a trois - Rooney's ego - will soon be
kicking her into touch. Listen love if you really want to take this guy,
you should do what all other women on the make have done, get yourself
pregnant. I'm sure you know how to. Just open your legs and think of the
European Cup. Very soon someone a lot prettier than you with a fledgling
career is going to want to use Wayne as a stepping stone to a kiss and
tell kick up the ladder. Better get to it or lose out big time. |
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| 12th April 2005 | |
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THAT ALL IMPORTANT ELECTION BIRTH
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 A loving family - official! |
Nobody knows the importance of
an election birth better than Tony Blair. Proud parents cuddling up to
their offspring, a show of unity and family that just makes you want to
rush out and vote. Yes when you've had a hard day putting the fear of
god into the electorate, "The Conservatives are a mess...."
or "...Saddam can launch within 45 minutes..." "...weapons
of mass destruction..." "...Terrorists, terrorists everywhere..."
or "We're doomed, doomed!" there's nothing more stabilising
than a small cuddly baby who hasn't the foggiest notion of what is going
on, being cuddled by its adoring dad to make it all come together, "Tone
will take care of us, look how good he is with his baby, protective, adoring,
stable. Okay so what if he takes us into a war, he'll get us out of it..."
Now if Charles Kennedy was hoping for that effect he can dream on. He
looked a little unnerved by the whole baby thing. But then, Tony and Cherie
do have enough kids to stock a private school. |
| 10th April 2005 | |
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CHARLES AND CAMILLA
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Finally Charles and Camilla tie the knot. But at least there were no gaffs and cock ups in the wedding line-up (left) as the happy couple left St George's Chapel for the wedding breakfast and customary waving at the plebs daft enough to camp out all night to get a glimpse at this lavish registry office event. Prince Philip managed to avoid such phrases as "Slitty eyed spear chucking divorcee" and Her Majesty The Queen only marginally upstaged the bride by wearing white and ignoring her in public. Well done Ma'am. Later there was a bit of a do at the castle with Harry knocking back the plonk and trying to pick fights with the corgis who he was sure were bugged. Then the happy couple left to catch a flight to Scotland and Balmoral where they will walk down memory lane together remembering his first marriage and all the secret little trysts they enjoyed together. |
| Friday 8th April 2005 | |
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HAPPY COUPLE PRE-HONEYMOON IN LONGBRIDGE
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 Definitely in a class of its own - out dated |
The bride to be positively glowed as she stepped from the ministerial limousine with her adoring husband Gord by her side as they slipped quickly into the offices of MG Rover at the start of their pre-marriage honeymoon. Fortunately lots of photographers were there to record the moment for their album. Earlier in the day she had attended the funeral of the Pope in Rome. This more than illustrated her caring side and made a good photo opportunity. There she met old friends and amongst them old lover Georgie Bush now, busy looking for somewhere else on the planet to save. She narrowly managed to avoid Robert Mugabe that African rascal but luckily Prince Charles more than made up for it giving him a warm handshake. Very soon young Tone, was whisked off back to old Blighty to meet up with her beau and after some stolen kisses and champagne, they shot up to Longbridge where she plans with hubby Gord' to spend millions of tax pounds preserving a relic of the past - MG Rover. |
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This seemed such a good idea that it is rumoured they may well start up the coal mines again, possibly ship building and just possibly might even resurrect the Penny Farthing - yes why was that allowed to go under? Ah it's Spring and the scent of Election fills the air. (BBC) |
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| 7th April 2005 | |
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ROMANCE BLOSSOMS IN DOWNING STREET
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The wires have been positively buzzing since the happy couple announced the day. The fifth day of the fifth month of the fifth year of the new millennium. It doesn't get any more romantic than that. They glowed as they met the press and announced their love for each other, pledged undying love and their utter faith in each other. A wall of friends and well wishers formed a cheerfully threatening barrier to stop journalists getting too close and asking sensitive questions which they might have been too embarrassed to answer. Well rehearsed lines were the order of the day, no hiccups about past spats and post election policy. That's all in the past and it was clear for all to see that they do indeed love each other to bits these days. So much has happened since that first romantic meal at Granita in Islington a night they must both remember with fondness, particularly the coquettish Tony. Now there is no doubt that the time for lies and moods has past. Ah it was a day for joy and unity and love. And no doubt later they went off to have a good hard shag in the back benches when no one was looking. |
| 6th April 2005 | |
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THE RACE IS ON
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And welcome to the first race of the election season. The front runners are of course the Labour party the favourites with Tony Blair at his usual weight, kissing everything in sight, being all cuddly and man of the people, fooling some of the people all of the time and no one else. Meanwhile making a show of it, the Conservatives with Michael Howard nosing forward, handicapped slightly by the Flight incident and a thoroughly unattractive shadow chancellor in Oliver Letwin who looks like a bookies runner. It'll be odds on as to whether Letwin or Prescott upset their respective apple carts. |
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Meanwhile as ever bringing up the rear of the front field are the Liberals, convinced of their own ability to lead ignoring the fact that they've got 'Just William' for a leader. Not a convincing ride though one to watch as idealistic punters who fancy a flutter might plump for them rather than the more obvious favourites thereby queering the field. Despite a spirited argument, their form is off the top and anyway, who'd vote for a man with a school boy fringe. On the day who knows. |
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With the Monster Raving Loonies as ever the wildest outside chance, languishing at the rear, however remember what happened to Foinavon the 100-1 outsider in the 1967 Grand National when the field fell and he romped home. Could happen. Right now Howard looks interesting, provided he can keep the suicidal elements of his party in check, at least until after the race and with Tony and Gordon having reached a decision to screw the election and not each other, and have a punch up after the event, its anybody's race. |
| 6th April 2005 | |
| ROVER - THE CAR FOR YOU? | |
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ROVER! Nothing quite says 'over the hill' like Rover. Are you over fifty, got silver hair, live in Alderly Edge, and hate all ethnic minorities - though you'd never say so in public - then Rover is the car for you. A true design classic. Nothing says 'British' like the Rover, the car for all middle Englanders. If you've got or ever owned a Metro, then you must move up to the car for all beige people. If you wear tweeds or checks or Burberry, if you vote Conservative and play golf and put up with poor service even though you'd quite like to say something - it has to be Rover |
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If you smell of camphor and make jam, join clubs like the Women's Institute or British Legion, if you have a daily help or smoke a pipe, this is the car for you. If you drive like you're going nowhere important 20 miles an hour under the speed limit, what ever the speed limit and even on motorways, again this is the car for you. |
| Rover! The name says it all, the car with middle aged appeal, the car that says, 'Hey, I'm getting old' the car that's a true representation of committee design and manufacture, the flagship for the failure of the British automotive industry. The car you want to be seen dead in! Shortly to be discontinued so snap one up while you can. | |
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April 1st 2005
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PRINCE CHARLES INHERITS THE THRONE
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 Charles the grumpy |
At last His Royal Highness Prince Charles,
Duke of Cornwall, defender of faiths apparent, father to future
king Prince William and Prince Harry and upper class twit of the year
has finally inherited the title. The title his father held for so many
years, King of Gaffs. Yes after all those years of apparent public sensitivity
and caring and talking to flowers and leaked phone calls in which he
shows his feminine side, that of wanting to be Camilla's tampon, he
has once and for all taken the lead gaff from his royal dad. There he
was in Klosters having a final bachelor fling with his sons - well known
for their charity work hooray partying, dope smoking and clubbing -
when, unaware that every word he said was being picked up by the sensitive
(compared to him) mics of the TV journalists he let forth his true opinions
of the press and in particular Nicholas Witchell, one time anchor man
of the BBC.
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 Prince Charles with Harry and William in Klosters |
Of the press he said, "bloody people..." masking his ire, as he thought, with a cadaverous sneering grin, "...I can't bear that man, he's so awful he really is..." said the evil Prince. The only thing missing was a black cape and green face make up. As ventriloquism goes it would have been a masterful performance had he had with him another dummy for his mouth barely moved through the frozen drawn back lips of a rictus grin. Of course now one has to wonder what he really thinks of the public - that would be everybody whose not a royal in his immediate circle, oh and Diana, his late wife - and everything else over the years. The walls of his palace must be daubed with slogans graffitied in fury of his noble impatience. Now we know where Harry gets his arrogance from. We will ever believe his caring remarks again? |
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1st April 2005
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CHARLES - A PRINCE OF THE PEOPLE
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"There's nothing I enjoy more than a pint with my people." (Yeah there's nothing I enjoy more than standing around with a lot of common people who smell of chips and BO drinking bilge water. I just hope they've washed this bloody glass. ) |
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"It's so lovely to meet you and thank you for your kind words." (Like I give a toss what you think or who you are and you stink of cheap perfume though I might give you one from behind, as long as you had a bag over your head. Why does everybody smell of chips? Do none of them eat lobster and caviar) |
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"Hysterical, brilliant, very funny don't you think Camilla." (Hysterical, brilliant, very funny, the guys on fire and burning to death. What a laugh. Fancy a shag Camilla, we can sneak away when the fire brigade arrive) |
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"Goodness you took me completely by surprise." (For Christ's sake, who do you think I am you trollop. Think I'd sleep with any old red head off the street. If I was going to do that I would have slept with my wide hipped sister in law now fuck off and leave me alone) |
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(Just keep smiling Wills and avoid that bloody Witchell chap, I bloody hate him, always asking probing questions. One of these days I'm going to get a footman to stick one on him.) |
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(I think we can escape that way, if we run like hell, though how you'll manage it in those heels.... I just have to get away from all these bloody common people, especially the fat lady in pink who smells of chips with the fucking camera...) |
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CHARLES : I love your pearl necklace darling. CAMILLA : Not as much as I love yours you naughty old tampon you...! |
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SPOT THE DICTATOR - WHICH IS THE ODD ONE OUT
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Here we have arranged a group of notorious
dictators. In our simple puzzle above, who is the odd one out. Of course
they are all odd, very odd in fact, twisted and barking mad. However
one of these thugs really shouldn't be in this line up. They are all
cruel, evil men but one is a bit of a phony.One doesn't belong. Who
is it?
Answer below |
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The correct answer is
No.4 Robert Mugabe. All the others were "Notorious" Dictators
with a place in history, though there is a question mark over General
Pinochet. Mugabe however is just one more African despot, a gangster
with a mob of bribed thugs milking their country for every last drop
of its blood and cash.
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