| APRIL 2006 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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IN BRIEF : Charles Clarke having let over 1000 dangerous non-British criminals free to roam the country at leisure, murderers, pedophiles, muggers, and rapists (which would have been bad enough had they been British) rather than deporting them refuses to resign. Why is that Charles, blatant arrogance or just a case of no moral guts, no sense of responsibility, no integrity just greed for your pay check. If you'd been working for Bill Gates you'd have been sacked on the spot but working for a lap dog like Tony Blair, we're stuck with your incompetence until such time as this government is Kicked out. I'm sure we'll all sleep safe knowing our security is in your hands! |
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| April 27th 2006 | |
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BY 'ECK YUH BASTARDS I'M A LOVE
MACHINE
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 "....fancy a fook Trace?" "If your'e sure it'll help the balance of payments." |
Poor Tracey Temple. Poor deluded
Ms Temple how sad you are to have been seduced by this third rate bar
steward and common Commons thug. Surely when you came up close to that
big fat head and the blustering uncouth manner of this pie eating slug,
you must have had moments of doubt. Was it his charm that swept you off
your feet or his constant flatulence - brought on by a gargantuan appetite
for junket food, of which there seems to be an never ending supply - gassing
you into submission. Indeed, old fatso has taken every advantage to be
had, including you. God what was it like falling to your knees in front
of his urine impregnated flies. Ummm! Did not his sweaty rolls of flab,
his pale, whale like blubber body not turn you off for a second or was
this the golden opportunity of a lifetime to further a mediocre career
even at the expense of his wife. Ambition it seems knows no boundaries,
or for that matter, morality. What kind of sick perversion makes a woman
like you go for a bloated, fat, tangle tongued pleb with all the charisma
of a water buffalo with diahorrea. A tupenny ha'penny politician who's
only talent was to keep the unions in check. A man who's only talent is
to bully his way through politics. A man who should never have been given
power inthe first place. You poor sad old broad. What Mr Prescott said to South Wales Argus reporter Mark Chouekein 2005 : Click Link (ITN) |
| April 27th 2006 | |
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OH NO MORE TORY MISRULE?!
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Prescott love stud, Cash for
Peerages, Charles Clarke prisoner fiasco, Cherie's lecture sideline, Tessa
Jowell's odd 350 grand, Patricia Hewitt's National Health blinkers, Iraq
and Afghanistan where will it all end... hopefully in a new government,
though the jury is still out on that one. Who's good enough to do that
job, Labour, Tory or that other one who's name escapes us? None
of the above right now. Now look chaps, the reason for all this
is patently clear. It's all down to Tory misrule which ended, well nearly
ten years ago now. Funny how you never brought it to our attention then
Tony. How simple it would have been to say, "Look electorate,
whatever happens in the next few years, if it goes pear shaped, then it's
all down to Tory misrule, quite obviously. However, if it all goes well,
it's down to New Labour and more especially me. Okay? And just remember
this, we in the Labour Party are above sleaze and graft and all that sort
of thing. We're here for the people!" Tony sweetie, you need
a very broad knife to spread hypocrisy as thick as you're spreading it
right now! |
| April 25th 2006 | |
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OLD SADDLE BAG GETS NEW LUSTRE
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 Marlene Dietrich strangling a cat! |
I was shocked, shocked I tell you, to read that Princess Michael of Kent (make sure we spell that one right) spent the weekend with Russian millionaire Mikhail Kravchenko, he of handsome, Euro Gallic 1970s looks - like some Sacha Distel, Illya Nastase hybrid. What shocked me was that someone who is young enough good looking enough and obviously has the means to pull a cute attractive lovely young modell, should want to drag this raddled old "Queen" wannabe (though never will be) around on the end of his arm. Yes they were caught by the cameras holding hands. Unless of course he was merely there as a support in case the old bird unsteady on her pins was likely to stumble. She is 61 after all... SIXTY ONE!!!! However she has reportedly said that he finds her "...attractive and beguiling." Yeah you should have finished off the sentence "...and Royal too." That was probably the clincher. A medallion for the gold chain he undoubtedly wears around his 1970's neck. Besides, I could say the same about my mother. |
| It doesn't mean I'd want her naked in a bed with me. Uhuhuh! Come on Mikhail, don't tell me you really get the hots for old big nose. We can't imagine why you'd want to hump this gamey old imperialist when you could perhaps stumble across someone like say, Kate Moss out of her head on drugs and ready for action. Of course, being a furniture magnate, you undoubtedly have an appreciation of well preserved wood and leather etc. Maybe sex with Marie-Christine Anna Agnes Hedwig Ida Freiin von Reibnitz (dare we suggest it) is like re-stuffing an old leather sofa requiring no major reality adjustment, though frankly I'd rather shag a Sainsbury's carrier bag full of warm offal! No come on, clearly they are just friends. (Times) | |
| April 23nd 2006 | |
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MICHAEL JACKSON NEW RECORDING -
SAME OLD CRAP
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 "Daddy, why do they call you Whacko Jacko." "Quiet son, wait until the unveiling." |
Michael
Jackson, the softly spoken, eccentric, self styled King of Pop with
a predilection for tasteless décor and ghastly kitch clothes, featuring
banana republic badges of status, and trousers that never quite reach
his shoes; the weird and wonderful crutch grabbing, moon walking, never
ending, fast spending friend of little boys and little girls everywhere,
very good friend, very, very, very good friend.... is to record his next
album - we hear - in Bahrain. This time it'll be a different Jackson to the one we all know and watch with astonishment. Sure! The music will be different. Of course! He'll be limiting his howling Ooooows no doubt, that's all old hat; who knows he may not howl at all, and I can't imagine there'll too many KeeeKees as frankly, well that just sounds silly and passé luv. So we therefore suppose this is going to be a new type of Jackson album. Maybe he'll takle a few of the old standards. What about 'My Way' for example. It doesn't require any lip biting, crutch grabbing or hordes of admiring little children (or Jackson fodder as we like to call them) invading the stage to get the message across. Good solid lyrics there my lad. When I saw Frank Sinatra do it, he never grabbed his crutch once. Now there was a man who didn't need to moon walk across the stage to get your attention. What's more his trousers did meet his Lobb evening shoes. There was nothing there that couldn't be fixed with a Lucky Strike and a good belt of Bourbon. |
| Now as for the video. Well let's
see. He's done the little boy in love bit with Thriller. Terrific dancing,
great song fooled us all with that pretty young teenage girl. You actually
could believe he was up to it. Then there was Black or White. Yes well
a bit heavy on the shoulders there, nearly did yourself an injury in that
Liberty torch sequence. Very clever concept but, the kids... mmm a dead
give away I felt. A tendency to go for the crutch making its presence
felt, and the moist lipped Macaulay Culkin and friends, cute but a bit
overt... wellll? Say no more. Then there was Earth Song. Heroic, loose
blouse, lots of wind and adoring minions looking up to the heroic you
striding the blast. Displaying your bona lallys and grimacing in pain,
biting the bottom lip manfully for all the all the world to vada. Too
camp treas-gette far to camp by half. Look who are we kidding here. The next Jackson album will probably be more of the same unless someone has had the balls to tell Whacko Jacko that he's got nothing new to say. There'll be the same Ooowws and the same KeeKees and grunts and breathless forced dialogue, and the video will be a commercial for Jackson the heroic, tough street fighter rock singer.... which he's not. He's a commercial pop singer in a boy band, just without the boy band. The moves will all be the same, just recycled, crutch grabbing, spinning, bottom lip biting, hat tilting, shoulder jerking pap we've had before - UNLESS he comes up with a new dangerous direction and reinvents himself as something different. Sadly, no matter what he does, silly whacko fans will still keep buying the same old tripe and convincing themselves that nothing has changed. |
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| April 23nd 2006 | |
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CHERIE BLAIR HAIR AFFAIR
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 Worth every penny! |
£7,700 for hair care and Cherie still looked like a Yaks arse; or a letter box in a toupee. All that money though on Sherri's vanity. It's clear from looking at her you don't get much for your money these days. Anyway, so much for socialist values. This government is chock full of champagne socialists and I suspect it always will be. Let's face it, politics always attracts the wrong sorts, a creepy sanctimonious, holier than thou bunch of freeloaders. Hypocrisy on every level. Cherie's hair, her houses her expensive lecture tours, Prescott running two Jags and living in a top of the range Barrett prefab. Tessa Jowell and the odd three hundred and fifty grand that never got mentioned over the breakfast cereal. How many more are getting the benefits of the jolly junket jamboree that is the New Labour government. And when you consider how much they moaned about the last sleazy government. Is there any difference? I think not. Maybe we're paying them too much in the first place. But I've strayed from the subject. The fact is that Cherie can afford to pay for her own hair and even at the time of campaigning her salary was fat enough to afford her indulgence - wasted effort though it undoubtedly was as she's no Jean Shrimpton or Twiggy. |
| Of course these days she's earning
a nice wedge as Queens Council and as unofficial guide to Number 10, touring
her 1st Lady anecdotes for thousands of pounds a time. What next a book
deal, a film, doing the Can-Can at the Follies Bergere? Maybe the New
Labour luvvies in accounting at party HQ should bill her retrospectively
for the financial damage she's brought about to their funds. Bang on some
interest and hey prescott! Bill paid and honour restored. Naah! It'll
never happen. |
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| April 22nd 2006 | |
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WHITEHOUSE ORDER CHINESE TAKE AWAY
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 "Make mine to go...." |
How distressing it must have
been for the Chinese Premiere making a speech at the White House to be
heckled? It must have been quite unsettling not to say annoying for someone
who is used to mute acceptance of his words and deeds. You see Hu Jintao,
we here in the west are used to being able to criticise and question the
wisdom of our leaders. It's sort of a tradition with us, just as it's
a tradition with your nation, to arrest, torture then incarcerate for
life or execute those who don't go with your point of view. Could be why
so many of your people want to live over here. Anyway as a tribute to
your might, they carted Wenyi Wang - the offender - off to some corner
of a foreign field where she could no longer be heard. No doubt your secret
service men will have been able to follow so that they can put a tail
on her and eliminate her at some later date. We shall see. You know Hu,
you should try some freedom of speech in China, it's a great pressure
valve for dissent and gives the illusion at least of freedom! Human rights watch |
| April 22nd 2006 | |
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EMINEM MOURNS PASSING OF HIS INTELLECTUAL
EQUAL
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 "Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!" |
Eminem the coolest thing since tepid bath water, the rap artist famous for stomping around stage in a baggy "fart-at-will" romper suit, bandaged brain and chav helmet (baseball hat) whilst doing a lot of pointing and shoulder hunching (looks like he's wearing his shirt complete with coat hanger) has mourned the passing of his friend and apparent mentor, rapper "Proof" (Bing and Bong were rejected as names for being too ridiculous). He said that without Proof, (who never smiled cos it wasn't cool) there would have been no Eminem, no Slim Shady. Phew, well we dodged that bullet, for how would the world have survived without one more rapper? Yes we are truly blessed to have Eminem in our midst. Proof was apparently shot during an argument outside a club. I've said it before and I'll say it again, intellectuals like these should leave their little guns at home in their toy boxes when they pop out for a soda and a burger, just in case they should bump into their boisterous friends. |
| Another rapper to attend the
funeral was one Obie Trice (no relation Wan Kenobi) also wounded in a
shooting. The message he delivered was "I want to talk to the black
men living in the hood. ... We're killing each other, and it's about nothing,"
Yeah buddy you got that right. But until you dopes learn to communicate
with words and concern for your fellow man instead of with your dicks
and machismo, more of you are going to die like the dumb talentless bunnies
you are. Capice? (Idiots click here) |
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| April 19th 2006 | |
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CRUISE CONTROL SWITCH TO "OFF"
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 "Placenta" Mmm pass the salt and pepper |
High rolling, short arse and
Church of Scientology holy roller Tom (one performance) Cruise has announced
that he plans to eat his baby's placenta after it's mother, the silently
suffering Katie (...I thought this was a good career move so it had better
bloody well be worth it!) Holmes has had her immaculate birthing, in the
fully fitted, new hospital wing of Cruise's palatial mansion. Hey that's
going to go down well with the kid when it grows up a bit. It'll be the
topic of conversation the moment he gets to High School, you can bet. "Hey Tom Jnr, we'd love to come over for a barbecue just as long as placenta is off the menu." "Did you say placenta or Polenta... we'll give you a rain check on that anyway." Maybe he should garnish it with say a few Faver beans and wash it down with a nice Chianti... thththththth! Cruise also claims he knew Holmes was pregnant before she told him. "Sheer luck Holmes." . |
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However, what we're waiting for is the Tom to walk on water, do the sermon on the mount and raise his acting ability from the dead. It's got to happen any time soon. You know Tom, if there was a god, I'm sure he'd have helped you create a new characterisation by now. Listen when you're tearing into that yummy placenta (pass the bucket) just be sure you don't tear it up with your expensive teeth. You don't want to lose a cap now, that would be a disaster... unless you've added a dental wing to your house too. In which case, chow down buddy! Check out web site - Tom
Cruise Is Nuts |
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| April 19th 2006 | |
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TONY BLAIR SWEATS IT OUT
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 So what's a little perspiration between friends? Nothing only you don't have any! |
The questions about young Tone abound. Is there a rift between him and Gordon? When will he pull stumps and retire to his stately country mortgage? Is failure of the National Health Service down to him? Has he been flogging off peerages to further his ambitions for education? Naughty. Is he in fact Silvio Berlusconi in a Tony Blair suit? Where will it all end. Tony is clearly sweating it out, well he was on last night's news. It was pouring off him in sincere buckets. Getting pretty ugly huh Tone? Doesn't it just make you want to curl up and hide inside Cherri's gob with a nice plate of crumpets by her teeth and go to sleep. Look it's simple. Do what you always do. Blame the Tories for their years of misrule. Years when unemploylement was high... well falling like a stone when you picked up the ball. Their high interest rates... which had fallen to 7.5% when you came into office. Blame them for John Prescott the verbally challenged bully and all round fat bastard of the Commons Cafeteria. |
| Well you can't really blame them
for him. He was yours and you did give him a kennel in your cabinet. Dunno
really what to say. Maybe.... maybe... maybe you should retire. Then when
it all goes pear shaped, you can blame.... Gordon! |
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