AUGUST 2005
Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire and fun on the net
BERNARD GUSSET - AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)

IN BRIEF : It's raining..... at lassst!

OPINION - Bernard Gusset Rants - The Rant Page
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August 30th 2005
HOME OFFICE PLAN TO BAN VIOLENT PORN

Tied up for the moment
Once again, our knee jerk politicians respond with their usual desire to massage the voting minorities in preparation for the next election on the basis that every little counts. Now as the result of a murder - and sure, it was a terrible act - which it has been claimed was the result of looking at images of violent porn, admittedly a gross form of sexual titillation which to their way of thinking, no sane mind would subscribe, they want to make it illegal to possess images of such sexual behaviour and in particular all links to it on the internet. Typical! Look no one is being forced to look at that stuff, you don't come across it by accident very often if at all and those that look for it are already that way inclined. It isn't that difficult to mock up with a digital camera and willing subjects you know. What, will they make digital cameras illegal next?
Is this the beginning of censorship on the internet, if so where will it stop. Its just another charter for the government to repress its people, the people who elected them. Besides, those of us who are normal will never be persuaded by such images, no matter how depraved, and thereby become a risk to society.

If that was the case, the images of shooting in Baghdad would have had us all out on the streets firing our Kalshnikovs. Such thinking is ludicrous. Depraved acts of murder don't occur because someone saw a picture once. They happen because the balance of their minds is already disturbed. Perhaps we should make it illegal to buy things on the internet for many families are going broke because its too easy to run up debt buying through internet stores. What happens if a little old lady sees a drama on TV about an elderly woman killing her horrible husband with an axe and then decides its the course of action for her. What we ban all episodes of CSI to stop others getting ideas. Carry on like that and we'll soon be reduced to censored programs about Fluffy Bunny Wunnykins goes shopping at the supermarket.
Okay, let's also ban other forms of violent porn then. Images of the atrocities going on in Iraq that we as a nation caused, blown up trucks, suicide bomb victims etc. Our own sons dying for the sake of Tony's ego. Meanwhile in Europe, they get on with allowing most if not all forms of sexual proclivity because they firstly are not hung up by Victorian mores and secondly they know that it provides a pressure outlet for those that would crave it anyway. Better that than burying it underground where it would fester and mutate into something much more sinister. It's seen there as part of the rich tapestry of sexual behaviour along with many other weird ideas that give people their jollies, politicians included. Look at Tony Blair, he must have had sex with Cherrie. Depraved! Even worse to contemplate, The Prescotts... uuugh!!! But if what turns you on isn't available, you're soon going to need a way to outlet those desires. Think about it!
Censorship enforced on the majority by others who wish to protect themselves from their own weaknesses is a repression we can well do without otherwise where will it end. They'll stop us from wearing bathing costumes on the beach one day for it might arouse the perverts in us to commit sexual assaults. For heaven's sake.
We're against repression and censorship. They are the staples of dictatorship!

 
August 20th 2005
REVIEW OF "SHOOT TO KILL" POLICY
 

De Menezes body on the tube
The shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes was undoubtedly a tragedy. The family calling for justice clearly have a one track mind and want justice, no matter what it costs the UK in national security. Maybe if Mr Menezes had been here legally - his visa had expired over a year or so ago - he might have been better known and less of a threat at a time when we were being attacked by terrorists who just blow themselves up (idiots) without warning. His middle eastern appearance was against him and we have a problem. How do you deal with suicide bombers walking around packed with explosives and a trigger in their hand? Well the shoot to kill policy is under review - as we seem to be a knee jerk nation you'd expect that. Here's what we suggest. First you say to the suspect. "Hello there chappie. Now, are you from around here or are you say, from the middle east or say, Brazil?" Then you ask him,
"...now look old boy, you wouldn't happen to have a spot of Semtex about your person by any chance would you... just can't remember where I put mine..." then you say, "...look here old chap, what say we repair top the Kardomah for a cup of tea and a tea cake and talk about it hummm?" And of course the danger would then be over.
 
August 19th 2005
DICK BY NAME

Cressida Dick - Female
It's all been a misunderstanding! Cressida Dick - there's a name destined to be lampooned forever - a senior commander in the Metropolitan Police was in charge of the firearms unit on the day the innocent Brazilian electrician, Jean Charles de Menezes, was shot dead at Stockwell tube. You see the thing is its possible she was overheard chatting to a femail colleague just hours before the terrible events that ended the hapless tourist's life. "... yuh know Gloria (not her real name)..." she said, "...I'd just love to get shot of my bush, I fancy a nice smooth Brazilian down the waxing parlour." Now an overheard conversation seems to be the likely culprit here for misinterpretation. What may have transpired was a bad case of Chinese whispers. "Yuh know what, George Bush says we must get the bastards, take a shot at that Brazilian for a start." Ses, it's so straight forward when you think of it. Well how else could it have happened.
 
August 11th 2005
BAKRI MOHAMMED WANTS HEART OP... IN UK?


Get a shave scruffy

Radical Muslim cleric Omar Bakri Mohammed wants to have a heart op in the UK. Hang on Omar, would this be the same UK you said deserved to be bombed by brainwashed thicko suicide bombers, a laugh, a bang and a 20K payout to the relatives. The country that took you in, paid for you, fed you, housed you, allowed you to spread your evil to impressionable and not very bright pupils who you filled with your own unique brand of hatred. Well well well. What? Not too keen to have the skilled surgeons in say Beirut do it. Why not let Abu Hamza have a stab at it with that arse scratching claw of his. Old Kenwood hands!
Then what? Back to the old British hating routine, the let's blow them to bits, routine. Starting no doubt with the people who save your life. Yeah you should come back from your summer sojourn and they should definitely open up your chest, cut through your rib cage, search for what passes as a heart in your chest and put in a mobile phone and heart sized lump of Semtex and a detonator then send you home to spout more bile and hatred. Then they should give you a jolly old call on your Vodaphone to see how you're doing. Twenty grand well spent.
 
August 6th 2005
BUTLIN'S MIDDLE EAST

It's so bracing!
Proposals are under consideration for a new Butlin's Middle East. There are no exact dates or location details but it is hoped it will open soon. The project is aimed at local interest and will cater largely for middle eastern tastes. Such attractions proposed - in line with Butlin's policy of popular entertainment - are to include theme park type attractions such as 'Daily Stonings' a really good laugh for by standers, 'ritual executions' 'twice weekly mass shootings of dissident elements' 'Floggings' particularly fun watching a man or woman being flayed alive from 200+ lashes of a long whip, 'Limb amputation' keep those little rascals under control by taking them to watch someone losing the ability to wipe their bottom. Then of course there will be games such as Head Toss. Volunteers are brainwashed into believing they'll get 72 virgins to cater to their every whim by walking into crowds of innocent bystanders and blowing themselves up. The winner is the one whose head lands the farthest away. The family is then awarded as much as £22,000 - that's Head Toss. Hanging too will provide a popular entertainment still a great favourite of the masses. There will be the Butlin's benchmark beauty contest at which there will be a bevy of Jellaba clad women. The one with the most beautiful eyes wins and doesn't get beaten for a night. Also the knobbly knees contest - at which the owner doesn't necessarily have to be present. As for dining, there will be copious quantities of ritually slaughtered goat and rice etc. to be eaten by hand (if you have one) the one that wasn't used as toilet paper earlier, and lashings of thick unpalatable sticky black coffee. Men will eat in the restaurant and women, anywhere they can find a space behind the bin area.
 
August 2nd 2005
OH NO ITS ANOTHER DROUGHT WARNING

Soaking wet!

Seems we've heard drought warnings and prophets of doom since I was a boy. Hosepipe bans, water shortages, doom, gloom, we're all going to die. 1976 as I remember was a blistering year, stunning for the prolonged heat. We were however doomed then, but somehow we have managed to live on. Now there are all sorts of environmentalists saying the same things. "Must conserve water blah blah. If it isn't that it's, "There are too many drivers on the roads or a shortage of property. Here's a very simple short term solution (who knows it may even turn out to be a long term solution). Round up the illegal immigrants and deport them for they cannot be helping by driving cars and drinking water and taking up housing. There are allegedly 300,000 of them. That's a start. Next, let's stop handing out papers to so called asylum seekers who end up in jail for two years for violent crime, get their passport thereafter and then try to murder our children, family members and friends just because they don't like what is going on in Iraq!

 

 
August 2nd 2005
ALAN WICKER IS 80

Alan Wicker- Boring for 80 years

Ah, Alan Wicker 80 years old. He's been around so long droning on and on but we love his laconic cynical slant on life. It seems like only yesterday that I was glued to his globe trotting explorations of life amongst the rich and famous in Wicker's World. It seems like only yesterday I saw him smashed out of his brain at a party, sitting on a chair in the vast hall of a private house in Jersey puking onto the carpet. Yes, it was this Alan Wicker for I had met him on several occasions. Indeed I was a not very successful actor and I remember him asking in that slightly patronising smiling supercilious way he liked to employ to put people in their place, "...hello Bernard... so how's show business?" Gotcha Alan!

 

 
August 1st 2005
IRAN TO GO AHEAD WITH NUCLEAR DEVELOPMENT
 
It's good to know that a force so powerful it could destroy mankind will be in the hands of rational, clear thinking men with no fanatical ambitions or distorted thinking, no intent based on the desires of old men close to their time; no knee jerk politicians who will get heated because one of them says a brick is square when another says it's round; that no man will over react on the basis of anothers beliefs. We can all rest easy!
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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