| DECEMBER 2005 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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IN BRIEF : Thank goodness. At last they've been able to ascertain that the Mona Lisa definitely IS smiling thanks to a computer programme. Well it's been one of those questions we've all needed that answer to. At last we can sleep without that particular issue bothering us through the night. |
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| OPINION - Bernard Gusset Rants - The Rant Page | |
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Previous
Month's
Front Page
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John Lennon died 25
years ago
on 8th December 1980 - Tribute |
| 17th December 2005 | |
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PRESCOTT MAKES SECOND VISIT TO HEMEL HEMPSTEAD
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 Black and crispy depot |
John Prescott returns to Hemel Hempstead for a second visit, to see if his burgers and chips are ready. "Well they must be done by now, that was one fuckin' huge barbecue. Make sure you bring the beer and some spare meat pies in case I get peckish before we get there." |
 Prescott visibly moved |
Of course there was a secondary reason for Prescott's visit, that of checking out what else he could concrete over now that he has an excuse to flatten green belt scorched by the fire at Total's oil depot. He was said to be saddened by the site of the fire damaged site (Prescott left), but somehow we find that hard to believe. What he was saddened by was that no public school educated residents went up in smoke. God forbid anyone should have a more privileged up bringing than him. Of course once you grow up, if you fool the people some of the time and end up in a cushy goverment post on a fat salary, you can buy the biggest Barratt home, all the Jags you can handle and set up a liberal account at the hair dressers for your wife - and have the doors widened to accommodate its width. Meanwhile, in Hemel Hempstead, moves are afoot to locate a translator in case Mr Prescott decides to give one of his riveting speeches. Well you can almost guarantee he will!
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| 16TH December 2005 | |
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HARRY MARCHES ON PARADE 1ST TIME
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 Do my eyes look squinty in this hat? |
The press are enthralled, Prince Harry marched for the first time. It was incredible by all accounts. He didn't require stabilisers to stay upright and managed without the aid of a net. How did he do it. One foot went boldly in front of the other. It's a miracle, said one bystander, did you see that, he did it all by himself, an' 'im a Prince. Next it's hoped he'll manage to - clean his own kit.... yes and without the aid of a batman or butler. The training is intense. "Now you first have to remove the lid of the blanco lad.... wait for it...! No lad, not to your butler, you have to do it. I know it's hard but we don't want softies at Sandhurst now do we. Grab it firmly by the top.... no no lad not your butler... you, butler! Leave the room you're confusing the lad...." meanwhile training continues. |
| 16th December 2005 | |
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ABU MUS’AB AL ZARQAWI CAPTURED...
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...but let go again duuuuh! This apparently happened last year. They got him in Fallujah but didn't recognise him and without trying to establish just who he was, they let him go. Talk about laugh. They must've done when ol' Abu got home and they all sat round dining on roast infidel and swigging local wine, Chateau neuf de Urine and discussing the day. |
 Cops and bodgers |
A squad of crack Iraqi police (see left) had rushed to the site and nabbed him. There as a lot of rushing around whilst a piano played wildly in the background only playing quieter when there was a sad bit and particularly at the moment when Zarqawi tilted his head to one side, rolled his appealing eyes and said ".....it's not me you want, I only butchered a few western infidels..." at which point they let him go. Well done chaps! We have every hope you'll form a cricket team and take on the UK |
| 14th December 2005 | |
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KASAKHSTAN - NO LAUGHING MATTER
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 Sacha Baron Cohen or Groucho? |
Seems Sacha Baron Cohen a.k.a. Ali G has pissed off the good people of Kazakhstan by criticising their country in the guise of another of his alter egos Borat Sagdiyev. Look Kazakhstan. If you want to be taken seriously by the West, well first you've got to learn to laugh at yourselves, you know? Come on guys, it's entertainment. The best way to neutralise this humour and to get people on your side is to start laughing at yourselves. Look at Tony Blackburn for example, he's learned to take the taunts of corn and use it to his advantage. Look at Orville (I caaan't - you can - No I caaaan't) He and Keith Harris are doing great trade with blue gags at Universities nation-wide. Come on Kazakhstan, lighten up. Cohen is putting you on the map. Now crack open another bottle of Vodka, make yourselves some disgusting food and celebrate. Now we've heard of you. Next we might find out where you are.(Another Cohen story at Sky ) |
| 13th December 2005 | |
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THE TERMINATOR
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 Just one area left to work on! |
Arnold
Schwarzenegger (see left) Governor of California and an actor whose
performance gives you splinters, has decided that Stanley
"Tookie" Williams the notorious former gang leader and
writer of children's books, is to fry - or rather to baste today, by
lethal injection. He refused to commute the death sentence to life,
despite the fact that Williams, a deformed man, has renounced violins
and has been nominated several times for a No Bell prize, it says here
on my fax from L.A. Well no one gave me a prize for having no bell on
my bike but I didn't get into trouble for it either. P.S. Seems Arny just could not find common sense or compassion in his soul. At least it seems his advisers couldn't. A PR opportunity for rehabilitation squandered by an inexperienced Governor. |
| 12th December 2005 | |
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UK DOES IT'S BIT FOR CARBON EMISSIONS
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 Iraq or Hemel Hempstead? |
Now look Tony luv', it's all very well you trailing around after wee Georgie Bush, fighting wars for him in Iraq, having him over for tea and crumpets, introducing him to Her Maj the Queen. We can even live with - like we have a choice - the sight of you, ties off at Camp David being big lovies together like two naughty scamps playing in the woods - oh yeah - and doing a turn at the White House with Cherie, and her tours of Life at No.10. But when it comes to making the yanks feel better about their carbon emissions by lighting up the Hemel Hempstead sky and pumping carbon fumes into the air, we have to draw the line. So for your sake, we hope you had nothing to do with it. For if you did, we'll tell David Cameron what you did, so there. It's like the Iraq oil fields out there. Home from home? |
| 9th December 2005 | |
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DENNIS SKINNER MAINLINES BROWN ALE
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 The Beast of Bollocks |
Yes its true, Dennis Skinner, labour MP for Bolsover - that's an area of darkest Derbyshire best known for.... well its in Derbyshire - also known as "The Beast of Bolsover" or "That mouthy bad tempered soak the rich and squander the loot git Skinner" as he is known in other quarters, was ejected from the House of Commons yesterday for wagging his stubby nose picking and arse wiping finger at Tory MP George Osbourne accusing him of being both Boy George and a cocaine addict. Strong stuff for an old git. "....it was in the News of the World..." he ranted, ranting being one of the things he does most. Oh well then, it must be true! But think on Lord Voldermort (that's our own nickname), whilst drawing attention to Mr Osbourne's past failings - we were all young once, except perhaps you, born at 40 - put your hand on a bible or whatever you believe in (The Labour manifesto?) and swear you never drove home the worse for drink back in the 60s or 70s. |
| Go on admit it Skinner, many a night you trundled back to your workers cottage in your beat up jalopy, your Lenin commemorative scarf blowing in the wind filled with a mixture of liberal pints of brown ale, pickled eggs and pork scratchings, revved up on hatred for anyone who had more than you, that's the ticket, narrowly missing pedestrians and dogs as you navigated the cobbled streets. I don't think so and I don't bloody well believe it if you say different you old hypocrite. | |
| December 8th 2005 | |
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.....A RED CRYSTAL?!!!!
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"What symbol shall we use to say we're medics here to help the wounded and dying..." "A red cross." "Ooh no you can't use that we don't recognise it...." say the Arabs, "Out of the question." say the Israelis." Look you thickos it's just two lines of equal length crossing each other at the middle." "What about the red crescent then...?" "Absolutely not...." say the Israelis adding "What about a red star of David?" "You must be joking..." say the Arabs or words to that effect." Geeze it's pathetic. Do you think some man woman or child with a limb hanging off will care what it is as long as they get treatment. Politics, bloody politics and egos. Their god, your god, our god.....! And what DO they come up with, a red crystal/diamond shape, a symbol of alternative therapy. "Oh good here comes the Red Crystal." Good grief. Isn't it about saving lives rather than preserving egos and saving face. The red crystal still looks a bit Ku Klux Klan if you ask me. Ludicrous! |
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Well we've a couple of suggestions of our own. What about a red 1980s Volvo estate. That's pretty unthreatening..... |
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....or a red heart perhaps, though blinkered Americans might confuse that with 'I heart (love) New York.' They don't get much world news coverage. |
 "Bert" |
Or even a red Dachshund called Bert. "Oh thank god, here comes Bert..." "Boy, were we glad to see Bert." Yeah, why not. That works for us. |
