| FEBRUARY 2005 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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| STOP PRESS : Ken Livingstone, thwarted in his ambition to become the first Commissar Dictator of London after years of trying to control his press image has been reduced to insulting journalists as a final resort. What next Ken? Calling the Prime Minister a Hitleresque leader perhaps? Of course he did invade Iraq.....! | |
| February 27th 2005 | |
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BLAIR SPOTTED AT WINDOW!
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Yes we're saved! Despite being the sick man of British politics these days, Tony "The Pontiff" Blair managed to drag his ailing career to the window and wave at people below; well he would have done only there weren't any there, but had there been, they would have been very er... well.... praise the lord. It was incredible to see, the hand slowly raising and then, yeees waving. Wow! It was just so.. well y'know. There was a bit of hand wringing and mouth tightening, that well know posture of humility we've known and loved, well, known for .... well bloody ages now, but somehow it wasn't the same. He's looking very frail and his arguments just don't stand up the way they used to. Indeed it'll be a long time before he will be able to confidently invade anywhere again, if he ever can. |
| Commentators are suggesting that
the whole appearance was stage managed to make it appear that with an
election coming any time soon, he is still in control of New Labour. You
can't help but wonder! |
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| 24th February 2005 | |
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CHARLES AND CAMILLA -
WEDDING ARRANGEMENT RUMOURS
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 Garrards Faberge Ladder |
We wouldn't want to be the ones to blow the gaff but we picked up rumours of an order to Garrards the Royal jewellers from Clarence House for a special ladder. Given that Her Majesty the Queen isn't going to attend - understandable as it would not be dignified for the monarch to hang around Caxton Hall with the paparazzi baying in the foyer- and that neither will the Princess Royal or Edward be there, dignity hardly an issue here as they did "Its a Royal Knockout" (or Cock Up "....don't look too bloody enthusiastic..." said a truculent Edward to the bemused press corps, behaving as if some child at his birthday party had just nicked his best toy) is it on the cards now that Chas plans to shin up his bejewelled ladder into the blushing bride's stately loose box and giving the afore said a fireman's lift, whisk her away to Gretna for a quick hitch and a honeymoon in Benidorn??? Could be! |
| 22nd February 2005 | |
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CALUM BEST AND ELIZABETH JAGGER
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 Calum Best - clearly a catch |
There's no mistaking the look in his eyes, George Best's son is a chip off the old bollock. Vacant stare, crossed eyes, breath that would peel a coconut. Seen left escorting yet another glamorous date home from the boozer - models get all the best girls and you can see from this picture that he clearly is a model and that she clearly is a looker despite his alcohol impaired judgement at the time - it appears he was caught on a security camera in the dustbin area of a club with his nob out and was showing it to none other than Elizabeth Jagger, daughter of hell raising rocker Mick Jagger. Apparently she was so intrigued she required a closer look, a quick check for texture, etc. and a "hello folks!" as Eric Morecambe might have put it. Not content with that he takes pics of what they got up to on his mobile phone camera, presumably so he can show it around when he's next down the pub. |
| What her dad must have said about
this incident one can only speculate, something along the lines of, "Hey
you get offa my daughter. Don't start me up. She may be hot stuff bit
I'm a King Bee around here and its all over now, I'm not saying she's
under my thumb but you can take it or leave it cause you're givin' me
my 19th nervous breakdown. She ain't no backstreet girl, and monkey man,
you can't always get what you want and wild horses wont be dragging her
to your boudoir any time soon. If you think I've got a heart of stone
you should see her crazy mama. Jeez I must be losing my touch!" |
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21st February 2005
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CHARLES HELPS CAMILLA TO RELAX...
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 Stressed out Charles and Vanilla Essence |
Yes in the time honoured way. A good shag followed by a quick hand job and.... oh yes some Reiki. Charles, when not playing his favourite game, Tampon, is into the alternative forms of relaxation and he loves Reiki and has persuaded his love, the poor under pressure Camilla Parkin' the Rolls to try it, bless her. Yesss it must be stressful wondering whether to have the wedding at a castle or a palace or the local registry office... but hey you two, try living on a state pension or state benefit. You'll know what stress really is when the bills come in. Maybe we could have a whip round and send them off to Butlins for a dirty and relaxing weekend. |
| 20th February 2005 | |
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DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM
HAVE ANOTHER LITTLE B....OY
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 Dive and Vic (pouting seductively) |
Ooooh! "Posh n Becks", the Beckhams have had another publicity opportunity and have named it Cruz. I ask you! Cruz!? What are they like? Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz. Naff or what? Are they the naffest couple in Britain? "Rich white trash" From coronation weddings with thrones and crowns, to gaudy Barrett Homes palaces and bordello tastes in clothes and tattoos. Yep indeed, don't look for style and taste here, you wont find it but back to Cruz. Hey, a name like that could come in handy if the lad grows up to be gay. Perhaps they should have called him Cruz, Cottage, Trick Beckham and covered a few more bases. I don't know why but I fail to find any glamour in the market trading couple, they just get more rediculous with every new publicity outburst. Prepare for a rash of council house copies anytime soon. "Oi Crooz, get inside yuh little bleeder yuh fukkin' beans are going cold." Uhh, just can't wait! Tell you what old luvs, you've got too much money and no taste! |
| 13th February 2005 | |
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DESPERATE MAN vs OVER-THE-HILL MAN
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 Desperate Man and desperate violent man |
We couldn't help noticing when
Tony cuddly Blair and Gordon when-I-switch-on-my-smile-butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-mouth
Brown unveiled their latest naff poster with yet another attempt to demonise
Michael Howard - they tried with the Fagin Character AND FAILED - that
Michael Howard had somehow acquired a lantern Jaw to make him look more
like the cow pie eating comic book character that Howard bears no resemblance
to on any level. However, we did also notice an immediate similarity between
the Cow Pie eating cartoon character of Desperate Dan and the Cow Pie
eating character of cartoon politician John who ate all the
pies Prescott . No extra graphics - other than a bit of
stubble - was necessary. Do we hear the sound of backfiring.... I
think we do! Just who is running Labour's campaign to give Michael Howard the equivalent of a cascara suppository. Could it be Alistair I'm so brilliant that labour can't manage without me and if I shout and winge like a school girl everybody will be terrified of me Campbell. What that predictable tabloid wanker?! (sorry we just had to say it). Yes it probably is! Now we ask, what character from fiction will he come up with next for Howard. "Would you by a car from Delboy Howard and Rodney Letwin" perhaps or Daddy Warbucks Howard, grimly towering over Little Orphan Tony. What about making him look like Hitler Alistair? |
| You could have him standing outside
a burning Houses of Parliament dressed as Hitler with a lighted torch
in his hand saying... "I cannot tell a lie... it was someone else."
thereby getting the burning of the Reichstag and George Washington into
the message, the implication that he does in fact tell lies and that....
oh you work it out Alistair, its all too tedious. |
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| 12th February 2005 | |
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TONY BLATHER MAKES 6 NEW PLEDGES
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Yes its true ladies and gentlemen, Tony Blather and Gordon Brownout have made a whole lot of pledges to launch their election campaign - which apparently it isn't of course, as no election has been announced yet "...no no this isn't an election campaign...." thereby saying yet again that they think the British public are thick.... of course it is Tony, come out and be honest for once! That'll be the day. So as we were saying , six new pledges - which they can break again after they've won the next election. It's not what you're saying lads its what you aren't saying that interesting. For example we've heard that there's a plan to widen Cherie's mouth to four lanes incepted of just the current two. And we've heard that a bill is to be passed to correct Gordon Brown's air sucking speech impediment and that the contract for that will go to a US firm. Not on chaps. |
| What about the rumours that John Prescott is intending to turn gay to get the gay vote. No matter how obvious a choice he is for that - definitely a candidate for an aggressive S&M image - is it right just to get votes! In fact we have our own views on the 'six we've heard it all before pledges'........ | |
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bullshit!
...bullshit! ...bullshit!
...bullshit! ...bullshit!
...& more bullshit!
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| 11th February 2005 | |
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POPE LEAVES HOSPITAL BY GREENHOUSE
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The Pope has made a remarkable recovery in the last few days, given his age and frail condition. He grabbed the nearest passing greenhouse - typical, nothing for days then three come at once - and before you could say pass the holy sacrement he was on his way. For his journey he chose white. An obvious choice you might say though unusual garb for a spot of gardening. In fact all he could manage was a bit of watering and was content to look at his lovely blooms. Good to see you up and about your holiness you look blooming. |
| 10th February 2005 | |
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PRINCE MARRIED TO VANILLA PARQUET
& BOWLS
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We hear on the wire that Prince is partial to a bit of vanilla parquet and just adores crown bowling; sounds bizarre but there you are, the famous are known for their eccentricities and no one more so than the diminutive artist formerly known as Prince... now calling himself Prince again! Ah well! In fact our stringer reported on his mobile just as his train was entering a tunnel - so we didn't get the whole message - that he was married to it... particularly in the month of April for some reason and that Her Majesty the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh, Price Philip had said they were delighted at the news, though why it should concern her we're not altogether sure. However in the interests of good journalism we decided to publish and be damned as our stringer is a reliable source and hasn't been wrong before. |
| 10th February 2005 | |
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PRINCE CHARLES TO MARRY CAMILLA
PARKER-BOWLES
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 Camilla with her Pearly King |
First an apology. The article
below turns out to be completely spurious. It seems Mrs Fossett, our 87
year old cleaner - working for us to augment her meagre state pension
- took the message at our news desk as we were all out at the Long Bar
getting pissed as we just heard our shares in BP, Shell, Dixons and Tesco
have all just gone up. She may have misunderstood our lead stringer who
couldn't make himself understood on his mobile phone above the din of
the vacuum cleaner. Yes Camilla is to slip her finger into Charles' ring,
and no doubt he'll... . Charles apparently proposed in the traditional
way. Camilla having spent a few minutes on her knees in front of Charles,
got up then Charles got on his knees and whilst down there decided to
pop the question. In other words Prince Charles is to Marry Camilla or
something like that... and we thought we'd got a scoop with the Prince
thing. Well some you win and some you lose. |
| February 8th 2005 | |
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ELLEN MACARTHUR HOME FROM THE SEAS
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 Ellen MacArthur - exhausted and exalted |
A truly British heroine arrived
back in port today Ellen MacArthur completed her round the world voyage
in record time, clipping a day off the record in the process. In honour
of this she is to be created Dame, announced Number 10, and no one deserves
it more. Though we feel, Well its about bloody time Tony you phoney.
She's been round the globe twice you know, talk about guts! Kelly
Holmes got made a Dame for getting 2 gold medals in the Olympics. How
many days at sea does it take. Well at least 72 this time round not to
mention the Vendee Globe in 2001 etc. Making her a Dame is of course a guaranteed vote winner as Ellen is now extremely popular and you can almost hear Alistair Campbell screaming in Tone's ear "....go on Tone do it mate, do it now. Now's the time!" Yes funny that, how it comes now just before an election when it should have come a couple of years back huh? Except of course they missed the election opportunity then. Cynical, us?! There must be an election looming so get get ready for a snap election if they're giving out the gongs willy nilly, though not so willy or nilly on this occasion and long overdue! |
| Meanwhile Ellen quite rightly
deserves a rest, mostly from her PR assistant who wearing Hollywood style
sun glasses and a romper suit pushed and pulled her back and forth across
that yacht as it docked in Falmouth. She wouldn't leave her alone and
shared nearly every shot on camera. Cheek! If it had been me I'd have
nudged her overboard. She was in every bloody shot. If ever there was
a case of people wanting their piece of someone, this homecoming was it,
loaded with hangers on and money men and women watching her every move,
jostling her, making sure she was in the right place for the right photo
opportunity, when what she really probably wanted to was be with her family
then get a good shower and her head down for the next 24 hours. Just tell
them all to bugger off Ellen. They'll still be there when you wake up.
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| February 7th 2005 | |
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FRAIL POPE APPEARS AT HOSPITAL WINDOW
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 The pope and papal entourage |
"Will yuh have cup o'tea your holiness... aah go-wan yuh will... ah yuh will... go-wan... go-wan... go-wan...etc. Clearly his holiness didn't want a cup of tea despite its evident ability to cheer up and lift the spirits and a fag and a glass of whisky was out of the question. Truth is his holiness was not in the best of health - albeit that he is better than he was - as he gave blessing through the open hospital window following his recent illness. The Vatican inner sanctum was keen to show how well he now is by his appearance and it is clear from the clarity of his diction that he was indeed a new man, so new in fact that his voice could have been a recording but no, he was there in person so it seems unlikely that a recording would be used to give a blessing which would be a bit... dishonest...? Anyway, it all went off alright and he later settled down in an easy chair with a glass of papal wine and copy of Dan Brown's blockbuster novel, The Da Vinci Code, which he seemed to enjoy because it made him laugh a lot. |
| February 4th 2005 | |
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THE EGO HAS LANDED
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 Kilroy Silk or Old Dulcie as we like to call him |
Veritas! Truth! - What do you do if the party you recently joined decides not to elect you its leader. Well its like going to someone elses birthday party only mummy and daddy have spoilt you so much, you feel that all parties should be for you. First you throw a wobbly and stamp your feet and rant a bit like the little angel you are. Then you have to make a decision. Are you going to share..... or shaft! In other words are you going to be a team player or kick your friends in their metaphorical balls by storming off like a spoilt brat who can't get his way. Then you do your best to make it look as though its all their fault. After which you have a little party all on your own where you get to eat all the cakes and open all the presents, even though there's virtually no one there to share it with you (no one that is except the other kids who never get invited to parties who are so grateful for any social event they'll happily elect you the birthday boy. That's the idea, now you're getting it. Welcome to the world of Robert Kilroy-Silk, self stiled Il Duce or Old Dulcie as we call him here at the office, of the new Veritas party, a party for one. What's he got lined up for the coming year. Well no doubt a book will get published "My Camp - where I'm in charge of everything". Then like as not a beer hall putsch - popping down to his local Witherspoons for a rum and black and a few songs round the ol' pianner. |
| Then the burning down of the houses of parliament - only a model of course, in his back garden with a couple of cans of larger and a sparkler. Again he'll balme someone else for the idea if others say its in bad taste. Later the appointing of his second in command, David Icke perhaps, if he's available though he's busy working for cranks R us. Another book perhaps, "My tan and how I keep it topped up" foreword by David Dickinson. Then later in the year, invading Brussels to tell everyone in the EEC how crap and corrupt they are and that he is the only honest politician in the world. It's going to be a very busy year for Kilroy and he'll no doubt be selling many books in the coming months which is surely not the reason for his extraordinary behaviour, no couldn't be! | |
| February 1st 2005 | |
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TONY BLAIR TO GET SCROUNGING SICK
BACK TO WORK
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 Wheelies get it there on time |
The Prime Minister Tony Blair, father to Ewan the drinker etc and husband to Jaws, also current leader of the New Labour party, and the man who took us to Iraq on the back of a US led invasion in search of oil leases and business deals has decided that he wants to get lazy good for nothing, work shy, layabout invalids and lead swinging incapacitated members of the population out of their self indulgent stupor and back to work. Great idea Tone. Lets get them toiling, they've had it too easy for far too long and its bleeding the country dry of the taxes which could be better spent on say ... Iraq for example etc. Honestly, swanning about all day in wheel chairs and hospital beds. Bleeding heart, heart cases. Limbless good for nothing spongers, I ask you! Just who do they think they are. Politicians on junkets? |
 Buffing up on ability |
Well here are a couple of ideas we came up with to help you get them off their bed-sored arses and back to work. Trials are being done with groups of wheel chair users. Using these groups its possible to tow a delivery truck up the M1, which means the money normally spent on diesel can be paid to them instead and of course it is environmentally sound with no pollution or damage to the ozone layer. It may not save much money but it will save the planet. Its a winner! Another idea is to have all those fitted with prosthetic arms to have their appliances fitted with devices they can use to earn money. Here's an enterprising young amputee who's had a polisher fitted. Now she can clean cars. Any chance of a job cleaning ministerial cars for you and you colleagues tone. Heart cases are a bit different because the government wouldn't want them croaking on the job, now would they? So what we thought was that they could be used as door stops. All they would have to do is to sit there propping the doors open and there are plenty of doors that need that. Again another opportunity for the government to employ the incapacitated. One more way our taxes could be put to good and fruitful purpose. Vote for Tony Blair! |
| 1st February 2005 | |
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UK BANKS NOT RICH ENOUGH!
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 How the new bank turnstiles will look |
British banks just aren't rich enough. For example £3.8 billion pounds for Barclays in 2003 just isn't enough. I mean just how much is £3.8 billion and what can you get for that sort of money these days. As a result the banks are having to dig into their virtually empty pockets to fund ATM machines (cash or hole-in-the-wall machines to you and me). Well they just can't afford to carry the burden, even though they need less staff to man the counters now, but that's not the point. So more and more machines are charging us for the privilege of accessing our money and quite right too, jolly decent of them to install them in the first place. And to claw back a bit more money - just in the interest of banks keeping their heads above water, so to speak, they are planning to put pay as you go turnstiles at the entrances to their less popular branches. Then for another small fee, say £1 or £1.50, you'll be able to access the counters inside the bank. This is necessary because without them to collect funds, it means the banks would have to pay for the staff from their profits and we wouldn't want that now would we. What would the shareholders think? Once inside there will be collecting boxes just in case you feel you want to give them some more money to boost their profitability. How thoughtful. |
| February 1st 2005 | |
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OLIVER IN THE DOGHOUSE FOR WANTING
STILL MORE
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 Mr Bumble and Mrs Mann take Oliver to task over his greed |
"The boy wants mooooOOOre!?" |
"What you mean that old...." "...don't use the J word, soomone might be listening. We're not very popular as it is. Nobody believes that mawkish show of sincerity any more so you can't use that as your get out of jail card." "I thought it worked rather well Mrs Mann." "Well it doesn't..... 'we'll never forget their contribution...' he says to the grieving families of that crashed RAF Hercules. As if they'd believe that load of melodramatic crap! They'll be forgotten by the weekend and you know it you idiot." "Don't talk to me like that. Don't you know who I am.?" "...course I do, and what the fook are you going to do about it.....? Exactly, so button Bumble unless you want a knuckle sandwich! |
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| February 1st 2005 | |
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YAKS PROTEST TO KEEP THEIR IDENTITY
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 Michael Jackson or a Yaks arse? |
Rumblings have been heard on the plains of China home of the Yak. Yaks are up in arms about Michael Jackson, cabaret artiste and sad persecuted and misunderstood little manchild. "We can understand him wanting to look like his sister and just about understand him wanting to look like Elizabeth Taylor but when he starts to model his looks on the rear portion of our anatomy we have to stand up and be counted - and we're quite a large herd - said a spokes-Yak for all Yaks world-wide doing a bit of quick reckoning on his hooves. "I mean, for goodness sake, that plastic featureless chunk of pasty or perhaps I should say pastry flesh, the straight black hair, the pouting downturned mouth (particularly in his latest pre-trial video) why, its a dead ringer for my arse." We checked and it was! |
 Clearly Michael Jackson |
Clearly, Yaks
are very concerned that Mr Jackson or Jacko as he is also known, also
Whacko Jacko and the King of Pop or pap or something, is trying to hide
his identity by assuming theirs. Well we can put your minds at rest, Yak
population. What Michael Jackson really wants is to be a child and have
sleep overs and pillow fights and play on his roundabouts and swings with
all the children of the world, and his monkey Bubbles. His physical likeness to a Yak's butt is purely a coincidence and fate. This is due in part to Jacko's legendary inability to look in the mirror and see what we see, also his appalling taste in clothes, furnishings, surgeons and art - I mean, did you see what he bought during that Martin Bashir interview. He has all the sophistcation of a colour blind pigmy wearing a blindfold. As for his plastic surgeons, none of whom it would seem had the guts to tell him to stop with the surgery, they just kept on hacking away, hoping a for a miracle. Some inspiration might have helped. But of course nobody dare tell Michael anything he doesn't want to hear. They want his money and so they'll do anything he asks. |
| Good luck with your court case
Michael. Perhaps if you keep that sad little muffin of a face and turn
on the high pitched pleading poor-me-its-all-lies baby voice - oh yes,
and get your flock of highly paid lawyers to completely satanise and flatten
one young trusting boy (another one that is) and his mother, you might
just get away with it. Meanwhile Yaks world-wide would appreciate it if
you modelled yourself to look a little less like Yaks arse. Try modelling
your looks on Phyllis Diller for a change. What have you got to lose?
Its time to gather your team of surgeons again... for the third time....
oh yeah! |
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