| JANUARY 2006 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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IN BRIEF : George Galloway, the publicity seeking, Sadam Hussein ass kissing politician (alleged) who tried to persuade British troops to mutiny during the Gulf conflict says his Big Brother sojourn was an attempt to connect with a younger audience. Well you certainly did that. Now even more people know what an arseole you are. If you think the young are that gullible by the way you're an even bigger dick head than we thought you were. |
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| NEW RANT - Bernard Gusset rants on the vile Happy Slapping gang | |
| NEW - VIRAL EMAILS WE LOVE | |
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THE QUEEN MARY ADVENTURE - A TALE OF HARDSHIP
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 "What d'you think of when you see all that water sweeheart?" "Cystitis." |
It's a tough break. There you are on the Queen Mary 2 drinking your second Margarita of the morning, barely got a glow on as you leave Fort Lauderdale behind. Your breakfast of dead lobster garnished with fried turtle eggs, caviar and some mutilated endangered species arrives and suddenly you hear that the boat is not going to be able to do all the ports on the itinerary because it damaged its propeller leaving dock. What a to do. Throws you right off your stride. How careless you think. You're stranded on board, doomed to pace the miles of decking in the tropical sun, the endless shows, films to watch, parties to attend but, no land. You wonder what to do as you stand there listening to the live strains of Carly Simon or some other slightly worn performer, wafting through the doors of your stateroom. It's a disaster. Together with the other desperate passengers you decide to stage a sit-in or at least pay someone to sit-in for you when you arrive at port. "We're not having this." You bark as your butler stamps his foot on your behalf, for which you tip him fifty bucks. |
| "Just think," intones
your well stuffed buxom wife who not two hours ago you were shafting up
against the railings of your private stateroom balcony - from behind -
as you watched the dawn rise, "...the hardship. We must clobber the
company for all we can get." she says and you nod in sombre agreement.
Later when it is all sorted out and you get all your money back, plus the free cruising and boozing and feeding and you dock in Rio De Janeiro, you disembark feeling ruffled but satisfied with the outcome. A scruffy ragamuffin homeless, glue sniffing 10 year old street urchin dressed in rags runs up to you, hand outstretched for a couple of dollars. You say nothing, you don't even see him, you walk on and your wife mutters, "Disgusting." under her breath. When you are a decent distance away and heading for your cab you say quietly to your wife, "If he only knew what we've been through baby." "I know honey," she says , "I know." |
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| January 26th 2006 | |
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THE NEXT REALITY TV - "LET'S MAKE A BABY"
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 Vote me out of here! |
Yeah so it was just a scam, or an exercise to see how low TV execs would sink to get ratings but they damn near pulled it off. The response from buyers for the show was astounding and people were queuing for a chance to lay and get layed by a complete stranger and ipso facto, make a baby. No its a true story, check it out for yourselves at the BBC News site Just how gross will people be in the pursuit of the two things on offer here. One the money and two the fame. Just how base is the desire to have someone come up and ask for your autograph. To think that at the Cannes TV sales fair the BBC producers who had no intention of going through with the idea were almost swept off their feet by the enthusiasm of other networks eager to sign it up. Bizarre! I mean at the end of all this there's a baby, a child, a person. Just what would they tell him or her when they were old enough. Yes kid you were the apple of our eye and hey, it made us famous, now shut up and stop annoying us! So just what will they come up with next in the reality scramble for ratings. |
| What about "Check Out My
Dump!" contestants compete to see who has the best formed excrement
over a period of two weeks. First one with constipation or diarrhoea is
expelled from the latrine. They could have a house shaped like an intestine
and fart, wee and poo gags would keep us in fits for hours. They could
discuss the merits of their diets and what diet produces the best formed
turds. They could freeze dry them and sell them in the gift shop direct
to the adoring public hovering outside (where do they find all those idiots
who do that on Big Brother, renta-a-clot?) You just gotta brace yourselves
because for sure it will have to something gross as the public are getting
used to the now very dry boring sameness of the Big Brother house. I know,
what about a house full of second rate, over the hill, shop soiled politicians
(no shortage of them) where they have to train as gladiators and one by
one kill each other until there is only one left. Yeah, I like the sound
of that. "I'm Spartacus..." "No I farted first..."
Whatever! |
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| January 25th 2006 | |
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LESSONS IN DRIVING FOR WHITE VAN MAN
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 "Get out of my way!" |
Want to know where your tax goes to. Well it seems the government plan to give white van man lessons on how to drive. They want them to be more considerate. White hair man, Alistaire Darling (isn't he though) said it would be good for everyone. Yes darling it will, except we don't see how you're going to get the white van men that need it in to the training centres. You'll get the drivers who don't need it without any trouble, quiet, stable older men who get on with the job and cause very little trouble. In fact men who don't need further training. As for the others, well how are you going to convince them that their dicks aren't an integral part of their engine. Macho men - usually small guys with pin heads and close cropped hair whose outlet for aggression is tailgating at 70 miles an hour and being faster than any other car on the road. Hey haven't you heard, they own the road. |
| Well it's a joint deal with minicab drivers and lorries. Everyone else is just an amateur with no right to be in front of them. Often they have dark glasses to make them look cool (in a white van?) yes! They think they look cool. Let them go on thinking it. It's good for a laugh. Some have put alloy wheels on their little Escort HiTops. All wear polo shirts (obligatory) carry copies of the Sun or Mirror and constantly chew gum. Of course minicab drivers have the right not to signal, to drive in the middle of two lane highways and to ignore traffic signs. Lorry drivers of course have the right to pull out on you without consulting their mirrors when you're about to overtake them, tailgate you on motorways and block the outside lane of a two lane highway when trying to overtake another lorry going one mile an hour slower. They also by reason of their size have no problem nearly causing an accident by bullying their bulk at you as they know they'll always come off better, (Eddie Stobart lorries are an exception to this rule). Well good luck darling with this scheme. Sounds like tax money well spent and if it satisfies you as we know you hate white vans and have constant runins with them, then its a good thing. Right! | |
| January 24th 2006 | |
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RUSSIANS LAUGH THEIR ROCKS OFF IN... GAME FOR A
LAUGH!
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 British spy - It's back to basics! |
So the Russians reckon they have found UK diplomats
listening to subversive rocks. Mmm! Sounds interesting. So what's the
general idea? It goes; someone - allegedly a member of a Russian NGO
(non-governmental organisation) - leaves a transmitter in a fake rock
on the Russian streets then a diplomat |
| "I say, it's a lovely day,
let's not stay cooped up in this office gathering our information through
high powered electronic devices. Let's take our Palm tops down into the
street." You can't help but wonder what Hollywood script they're working from. Any moment now you can expect to hear that Governor Schwarznegger has suddenly swept into the scene, complete with dodgy accent and his well worn acting ability, Uzi in hand to single handededly wipe out the Kremlin, half the Russian army and battle with Russian forces whilst dangling from an attack helicopter in Red Square. Meanwhile in some Budapest Hotel, James Bond will be propping up the bar waiting for a signal from Q to get involved, chewing the unlit end of an empty cigarette holder - since he seems to have quit - whilst sipping his third Vodka and Yakult - whisked not blended - whilst checking the rubber band on his Tony Blair approved environmentally sound catapult. I don't think so. Come on Vladimir. What's the deal here? Razzing up your people to distrust the west again it looks like? If not, well what then. Something's going on. It all smacks of KGB sledgehammer PR. Hey spies, here's an idea. Why not try putting a micro dot into a news paper and using a rubbish bin as a sort of... well what should we call it... a dead letter box. "Come and get it, Burberry macs and triblys making a come back, come and get it!..." Okay, where's Jeremy Beadle? |
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| January 24th 2006 | |
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BROKELEG HILLOCK - A STORY OF COWBOYS AND LEATHER
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 "Hey Brad I feel a song coming on." "I feel it too Walter.!" |
Jim-Bob-Billy-Bob-Jo-Bob strode into the saloon. His long booted legs seemed to move with purpose but his manner was overall, lugubrious even deliberate. Jim-Bob-Billy-Bob-Jo-Bob, or Bob as he was known, sidled up to the long bar and scanned it for the barman. Through the mists - it was a very long bar - he spied the bar tender at the far end. He tipped back his wide brimmed Stetson, rested his thumbs on his broad Texan rattler gun belt, which held two of the most beautiful pearl handled, nickel plated Colt .45s with fine tooling on the barrel and some very pretty studs on the handles... he inclined his head and bellowed in his deepest voice, "Coooee!". Being a light alto his call rent the foggy smoke filled air like a soprano caught in a revolving door. At the far end of the saloon, heads turned. The barman spat into the glass he was cleaning, adjusted his underpants and snorted back a big green one that had been impairing his breathing for some time. On the other side of the counter, a gruff, unshaven cattle herder shifted his weight from one foot to the other, straightened his girdle - which was killing him - adjusted his crotch, scratched his arm pit and made languid strides towards - Bob. Soon they came face to face. Tex, for that was his name, studied Bob. |
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Their eyes met. They said nothing to each other but
their eyes spoke volumes... "Hello I'm Texs' eyes..." "Oh
hi, I'm Bob's eyes..." "Pleased to meet you..." Bob took
a deep breath and shifted. He raised one boot to the brass foot rail
which made his leather leggings creak, kind of sexily and yet not too
overtly but with just a hint of mystery. Tex narrowed his eyes as he
studied Jim-Bob-Billy-Bob-Jo-Bob's rugged features. He looked him up
and down, and down required quite a bit of study. This has been a politically incorrect fable... and we don't care! |
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| January 20th 2006 | |
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BOOHOOS CRUISE
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 Tom Cruise at last finds his one true love. |
Is it true love with the one he loves most? Yes but it looks as though the magic has gone out of the Cruise - Holmes relationship. Watchers say the couple, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are not as thick as they were. Indeed, that they are at each others throats and that Christmas with the potential in-laws was a disaster. Looks like that marriage may not get launched even, never mind get the chance to hit the rocks. We just don't get it Katie, how could you not love a man whose beliefs insist that you are silent whilst you force something the size of a small turkey through your vagina. Ridiculous. Turkey? How ironic. We have to wonder, that silence thing, is it that you wont get into heaven if you do a bit of yelling, yuh know, like there'll be a guy at the pearly gates waiting - maybe L. Ron Hubbard himself - saying "...ah now let's just check. Yes sorry you were a screamer during birth... sorry you can't get into heaven." Look, if that happens, just ask why. What's the reason. Hey whilst you're at it ask what the deal is with prayer shawls worn under the clothes and wild eyed evangelists preaching hell and damnation from a Mercedes and Burkas particularly the one eyed variety. |
| Meanwhile what's the deal with
South Park? For heaven sake Tom, you'd look great in cardboard cut outs.
So they had a dig at your sexuality. Hey its nothing we didn't already
have our suspicions about. Is it the presence of Nicole Kidman and your
Scientology chum John Travolta - hey John wake up! - or is it this coming
out of the closet thing, the L. Ron Hubbard cupboard. Sounds mighty funny
to us. Aw, go on Tom, Thomas, Tommy-boy, go on let it come to the UK.
Lighten up buddy. Look we've all seen your performance in War of the Worlds
and Minority Report and, well take your pick, its the same in all of them.
Surely South Park would have given you a new dimension. Hey well, listen,
you take care. Oh and watch out for guys with squirty microphones or custard
pies now. Keep your guard up! |
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| January 20th 2006 | |
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JOLIE-PITT-PENDING-PENDING-PENDING - Name That
Child
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 Brad Pitt with current wife Angelina Jolie |
Update: Hey great news for Maddox
and Zahara Jolie. They can now use their mother's new lovers last name.
So for the time being they get to call themselves Maddox Jolie hyphen
Pitt and Zahara Jolie hyphen Pitt. Cudos and respec' man. You could have
added Voight to be a bit more Hollywood Ange but no, it works for us.
What's next? Now if you could just run off with a De Mille next or a Zanuck
or... hey what about calling them Zahara and Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Voight-Metro
Goldwyn Mayer- Universal-Sony-Warner Brothers-Gone With The Wind. And
with her first biological Pitt due soon, just think of the fun they'll
have naming him or her. They'll be able to take all those normal names
and while away the hours respelling them. So for example just old plain
John (as in say John Voight) could be Jjhfjohn pronounced... John. Or
Louise spelt Lhooise. Get the idea. That's the trick, to come up with
something that no one else has got. The essential Hollywood accessory,
a name no one can spell pronounced the same as the one you can spell.
Makes perfect sense. Then before you know it lots of copycat namings,
only you have the original. In no time at all we guarantee that there
will be hundreds of little Maddoxs and Zaharas running around council
estates intimidating people, setting cars on fire and dropping E. Keanu
mate, move over.
BBC Story |
| JANUARY 18TH 2006 | |
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KIDNAP BLAIR'S SON? MISTAKEN IDENTITY!
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 Election 1 - Aah, isn't he cute? And the kid's a looker too! |
Apparently, certain renegade elements of the Fathers 4 Justice it is alleged, planned to kidnap Leo Blair it has been reported this morning. From what we can ascertain, the plan didn't get above the discussion stage over a pie and pickled egg down the Dog & Duck, like, you know when you talk about how you're going to sneak into one of Madonna's concerts backstage, meet her, get her to fall in love with you and then shag her brains out when Guy isn't watching. Then you wake up at home, notice you slept in your own vomit and have a cracking head. Never the less, the press got the story from the police who somehow found out about it. The police giving out sensational news items to the tabloids? Check the skies for low flying pork chaps (and chapesses). |
 Election 2 - No photos... please! |
Now we have a theory that what was in fact planned was the kidnap of Leo Sayer. Get it, very similar names, Leo Blair, Leo Sayer, yeah? I mean it makes more sense and would be more in keeping with the loony antics of the Father 4 Justice (of which they still seem to get very little).Just in case there's any confusion we'd like to help those people who get the two mixed up. We have alongside pictures to illustrate the difference between them. |
 For god's sake kidnap me! |
See on the one hand you have Leo Blair, a little boy, who is trotted out for photo opportunities at elections and moments when the Prime Minister's popularity is flagging - despite the Blairs having said they'd never use him in their campaigning. That's the first two. Then there's Leo Sayer (below) for whom kidnap would be a major boost to his career. He'd be donning that Pierrot white face and braces and before you know, the show would go on. It's clearly a case of mistaken identity. |
| January 16th 2006 | |
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UGH!
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Has the News of the World got no more tricks up its sleeves. Once more they trot out the wealthy arab, complete with tea cloth on his head, to ensnare some unsuspecting celebrity in front of whom they dangle an irresistible carrot just so they can drag his name into the public eye where they proceed to disembowel them in a most public manner. They did it to the Countess of Wessex and now they’ve done it again to England manager Sven Goran Erickson. What a one trick pony they are. And why did they do it? Well one would love to believe it’s because they see it as their public duty to expose elements of the population who are a menace to our society or because they are dangerous or unsavoury or any antisocial element. |
| In fact they do it because they want to sell as many newspapers as they can to get their circulation figures up so that they can sell their advertising space at a premium... who to? Sex chat lines, porn merchants and peddlers of anything adult. Why them? Because the only type of person a rag like the News of the World appeals to is the sort of person who buys porn and heavy breathing sex calls, that’s who. Idiots who can just about read. | |
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You’d have to mentally limited to buy this crap.For that purpose alone they focus on someone who looks like a mark, an easy target, then they set up that target with the oldest trick in the book, the promise of wealth the details of which they secretly record and photograph with long lenses which they then flog on the front pages of their tawdry rags bought by dull, balding, sex starved little men, men with a short focus span and dreary fat women in leggings and sweat shirts (it’s all they can't get into) who have no lives of their own. And if it isn’t a celebrity they’re haranguing its a sex pest of paedophile or any perverse individual they can sensationalise, all in the name of advertising revenue. |
| The interesting thing is they
have affiliations with The Helping Hand Campaign which is linked to the
Save The Children charity. What do they do. Why they have a campaign to
fight “Bullying”.
Ironic eh? |
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| January 16th 2006 | |
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BLAME THE CONSERVATIVES!....... AGAIN
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 Ruth Kelly MP (Standing) |
The hypocrisy of this New Labour government is breathtaking. Here’s Ruth Kelly wriggling like a flounder on a hook - a male flounder that is, don’t you find her looks somewhat androgynous. She’s just one step away from dungarees and a ban the bomb button. Anyway, she’s been back tracking, side tracking, up and down tracking and looking for any exit strategy that will afford her credence and allow her to justify the employment of sex offenders in schools in her happy clappy lefty world, where committees of pipe smoking, bearded (mentality), open toed, patchouli oiled, hippy minded, gay whale savers review each situation with “understanding” and ultimately come up with a wet wishy washy policy. On the one hand you’ve got the News of the World strategy, which is ‘lets appeal to the lowest common denominator and incite them to violence and vigilantism by whipping up a frenzy of hate to sell more newspapers, selling them to people who are themselves just one step higher on the social rung and seeing someone worse than themselves, become filled with moral hatred turning them into uncontrolled loonies. Then on the other you’ve got the lefty intellectuals of the government saying, ‘Okay we probably can trust them even though they crossed the line once before but lets give them another chance at working with children. WRONG!!!.’ You just can’t win. |
| There seems to be no middle ground
where common sense prevails i.e. ‘Right, so we can’t trust these
guys and gals to behave around kids, but we’ll let them back into
society as they’ve done their time and keep them the heck away from
vulnerable groups and potential victims in areas such as schools, sports
training, swimming instructors etc. It couldn’t be simpler. Meanwhile
that young chap Kelly has her staff busy this week searching records,
looking back 30 years to see if she can divert attention from herself
and pass the blame onto.... yes you guessed it, The Conservatives, searching
for their past indiscretions in this area. Look lad, you’ve had years
to put right what previous subsequent governments got wrong, the responsibility
is wholly yours. Stop blaming history for your failings. Put the present
right. Frankly you should resign Ms Kelly and let someone more competent
and more socially aware do your job. Maybe you should be on list 99 as
you are in effect complicit. This is going to be another Jo Moore / Steven Buyers case where the so obviously inept hang on and hang on until the public stand up as one and demand your resignation, so go now whilst you can retain some dignity lad. Mr Blair, you should go too as you back her decision to the hilt it appears. If you support her so vocally then you clearly do. That makes you a liability too.... like we didn’t already know that with all the lies you’ve fed the public about Iraq. |
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| January 13th 2006 | |
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IT'S SUCH A RELIEF, I THOUGHT THEY'D FIND ME INNOCENT
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Alleged pop singer and total
dufus, Pete
Doherty (he really puts the "Doh" in Doherty) was in court
yesterday pleading guilty for possessing heroine and cocaine. A plea of
guilty was essential to maintain his pop icon status also arriving 1 hour
late, cos' e' was up trippin' the night before. Oooh how pop starry. Turns out he was caught when the police pulled him over for speeding (and cocaineing, and heroining) in West London and they said "...he had a glazed look." What, like when he appeared at Live 8 and strangled a song with poor Elton John. Look Elton, you defended this clown when the truth is he's just crap! Apparently his supporters had been "persuaded" to turn up outside the court to give him the full star-in-court reception. You must have lots of sad wannabes there going "We love Pete Doherty..." and "Pete Doherty forever..." I don't think so, not if he keeps taking drugs at his present rate. Of course it all turns into a bloody shambles. Hey, great name for a band! |
| He'll get the same fame status as Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, 'Dead Junkie, sang a bit!' With everything going for him, this guy is a total loser. He had Kate Moss - no I mean, he actually had her, alright she's not as young as she was, still Kate Moss eh - and he had a promising career as a pop icon. Meanwhile he decides to try to reinvent Bob Dylan - too late mate a guy called Bob Dylan already did that. Seems he wants to die in a blaze of pop publicity. What so he can sit up there on cloud looking down saying, "....oooh wasn't I loved. Yes dear, you always are after you're dead! | |
| January 13th 2006 | |
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WOULD YOU BUY A USED MARRIAGE FROM THIS GUY
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 Brads Pitt |
Brad Pitt is expecting a baby.
His favoured surrogate mother this time round is Angelina
Voight (or Jolie if you like). At least she'll do for the time being
until the next starlet looking to boost her career makes a move. I wonder
what will happen to the kids then. Well think about it. Will the devastatingly
handsome Pitt be able to resist the advances of horny trophy hunters looking
to put a notch on their belts. Of course he will. He wouldn't let a thing
like ego get in his way. Well what a happy family it'll be, Angelina and
Brad and all the little Pitts - yes he's adopting her other children too.
What guy? Some how he'll have to fit a career in amongst all that instant
parenting, but then he'll have the little woman at home, cooking and caring
and looking after... a fleet of nannies and staff and chauffeurs. Aah
to be rich. Meanwhile, Bradley (can I call you Bradley) will be on set
ignoring pert buttocked little starlets thrusting their goodies at him
like they were in heat. You know Ange, (can I call you Ange) it may have
been better if Brad had turned out to be gay come to think of it. Not
that we're suggesting such a thing, heaven forfend, but its going to be
quite a task to keep old Bradley from dipping his wick with others. Although
Brad, you'd better keep your eye on the pool guy. Old Ange is no slouch
in the looks department either. |
| January 12th 2006 | |
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GOODY GOODY!
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 Nap Time! |
We're amazed to hear that Jade Goody - that inspiring and well known famous celebrity and former contestant of Channel 4's Big Brother (don't knock it she made a reputed 2 mill' last year) - has split yet again with her former lover Jeff Brazier, father of her children, with whom she had split the first time and then got back together with again - am I making any sense - anyway it's all off again and she's back with Ryan Amoo with whom she split... god I'm losing the will to live! It's not that so much that we're amazed to hear. It's that anyone would even want to be with that lard arsed, loud mouthed, thick, course lump of woman. Let's face it, even if the looks didn't turn your stomach, having to listen to it sounding off noon and night would be a total turn off. We're not saying she hasn't got good qualities - though her stock in trade seems to be mouthing off with a volley of bad language, a real potty mouth - it's just that she keeps them deeply hidden, probably below layer on layer of flab. I mean, imagine that sitting on your face! |
| Ugh, it's too early in the day
to contemplate... no matter what time of day it is. But imagine, you go
to sleep having got pissed enough to shag her in the first place and then
you wake the following morning with a thick head and memory loss and turn
over and there staring you in the face is Miss Piggy's arse. Uuuuuhhhhh!
And what are her kids going to be like with her as a role model; foul
mouthed yobs? Well watch that space! As astounding as that image is hearing
how she has gone into the beauty industry with her own beauty salon. Alright
it is appropriately named "Uglies". Talk about taking the piss!
Hang on though, could it be that old Jade is not that dumb after all,
thick yes but perhaps she's really a canny business women.... naaaah! |
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| January 9th 2006 | |
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IS IT A BIRD, IS IT MICKEY MOUSE, NO ITS BJORK
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 Pluto and Mickey |
Yes indeed, Bjork (pronounced like an amalgam of beans and pork bea-ork or as we call her 'Berk') the singer - some insist - has been voted the world's most eccentric star by the, get this, the BBC Homes and Antiques magazine which as we know is a part of every household in the land. Bjork whose features give her the appearance of a Middle Earth Elvish Presley is known for her weirdness and attacking journalists in order to guarantee more publicity. She has been seen singing (vocally that is a moot point) on the back of a low loader truck being driven around the streets with her hair in tight little knots that made her eyes look like slits, from which the never recovered, and wearing what looked like a night dress and was so brilliantly parodied by Dawn French. Second in this world-wide contest was Chris Eubank (named after a carpet cleaner) and third David Icke,remember him, he communicated with aliens or something and now makes a great living being weird... as they all do. Hang on are we missing something here. Weird pays pretty well. How come I wasn't on the list, although I don't know what's so weird about going to bed in wellingtons. You never know when you're going to get flooded out these days and living on the first floor is no protection! |
| January 7th 2006 | |
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THE PARTY'S OVER
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 "It's milk I tell you, Milk!" |
The Liberal Democrats leader has resigned. Phew wot
a scorcher! We thought he'd never go. Yes the designated driver of the
third party has finally bowed to pressure and done the sensible thing,
he's handed back the keys of the Liberal bus. Well better that than
getting pissed and running it over a cliff. There was always the possibility
that he'd have to be dragged kicking and slurring from the house. This
way a certain amount of dignity is retained and with the weekend still
young he can go home, kick his feet up and chug back a quart of Malt
and be back at work on Monday. |
| "Aye Cap'n, that's what
I meant sort of." "Oh I see Scotty. Yes you're right. It must be a Scot. Say Scotty, that'll make a change, Ming saving planet earth for a change." "If you say so Cap'n." "Scotty you've got no sense of humour." "Aye Cap'n." |
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| January 3rd 2006 | |
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BACK TO PLAN A
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 Plan B or G Plan, just a piece of well used furniture |
Yes he's the latest "Musician"
to make a splash and will be taking us all by storm - they tell us. His
name? Plan
B. (Yawn!) And he's just what we've been looking for, another rapper
(even longer yawn) with all the answers (rapping - that's talking to music,
requires little skill, bad English, some sort of regional accent (to get
the kids respec' - a word they seem incapable of saying with a 'T') and
must be capable of doing some pointing and hand gestures with slightly
hunched shoulders, just like all the other rap artists, walking back and
forth with a microphone like you just shit in your pants. In an interview
on the BBC
web site he says, "I've thought everything through, any questions
you can throw at me I've got an answer for," he says.(I bet,
well he is 22) "People make films about rape, about murder, and they're just telling a story, right? So I'm just telling a story. (A Micro story) "The only difference is I'm doing it to music. They'll go and watch a film and go 'great film'. |
| "But you do it over music
and they get worked up. They're the ones who've got it twisted, not me,
you know what I mean? (Yeah we're all twisted, that's it.) "Yeah, I'm being very blunt and I'm using bad language but I'm just trying to portray something that's real that happens in everyday life." Yeah yeah, whatever! Listen luvvy, we're all just trying to portray something that's real. That's what life is kiddo, reality. The kids'll identify with you for about five minutes and even if you are the British Eminem (I don't think so) , wouldn't you rather be just Plan B than a replica of something that's already fading. You're not original. The kids'll pick up on your bad language of course (wow, big surprise there) and after a quick bright burn, you'll fizzle and be consigned to some TV program in 10 or 15 years time where they look back at the bizarre and talentless of the past. You want bad language? Try to find some real talent inside you, you talentless fucking wanker then get famous for doing something truly worth listening to and watching not the same old crap. |
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| January 3rd 2006 | |
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GAS AT THE KREMLIN
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 After you with the Andrex |
Yes tanker loads of air freshner have been flown out to Moscow where Vladimir Putin has been gassing it up a storm. The bog at the Kremlin is a no go zone and its advisable to wear a good mask if you want to take a dump in Putin's lav as it's got more gas than usual. The effluent is backed up as far as Chernobyl where it takes on a quite different hue that glows in the dark. Luckily the air in The Ukraine is a lot fresher since Vlad the pooper redirected the poisonous flow and it looks as though Europe will also benefit from Putin's magnanimous gesture to cut off winter gas, which as you know can be plentiful after a Christmas on a Russian diet. |
