| July 2003 | |
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Alistair Campbell,
British roads crisis
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... now and then)
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THE TRAFFIC
PROBLEM - SOLUTIONS
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With a crisis in the state of traffic on British roads, the government is tireless at finding newer and more punitive ways of making it purgatory for the British motorist to go about their daily business. Here we offer some alternatives which might or might not appeal to the brown-rice-open-toed-sandal-and-kaftan-wearing-socialist-getemofftheroad-lobby who's only apparent plan seems to be to tax the motorists until their pips squeak and out of existence without any real insight or solution to the problem. 1. Make it compulsory for all government and opposition MPs and their assistants commute by public transport during the rush hour to experience the full pleasures of the public transport system. As Government gradually grinds to a halt, watch how fast things improve. 2. Make everybody work from home. 3. Make petrol and road tax so high that everyone will stay at home... "...I need to go to the hospital today but I just can't afford it. I think I'll stay at home and die!" "... ring the company and say I'm sick love. It'll save a few bob on petrol." 4. Educate all children at home over the internet like children in the outback of Australia. That'll cut down the school run! 5. Rather than raising tax on roads and fuel, pay people to stay home. There should be plenty of takers for that. 6. Build better roads and update public transport. (Dream on) 7. Make it law that all shopping be done at home over the internet eradicating what the government might see as unnecessary journeys. This way there will be a lot fewer cars on the roads and a few more TNT lorries, thereby making Rupert Murdoch richer. It'll also bring down the price of commercial premises which can then be turned into take away franchises - WE DELIVER! 8. Define unnecessary journey! 9. Allow only people who's surnames begin with letters from A to F to drive on Mondays, E to J on Tuesdays....etc. 10. Ban the car and lets go back to horses. At least the roses will be prolific and bright and red....
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"I
DID NOT SEX UP THAT DOCUMENT!"
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 "My nob's this big...." |
POSSIBLE
CAPTIONS TO THIS ALISTAIR CAMPBELL PHOTO
Yes its true, I have a large one, no its not an exaggeration its about ooooh wellllll, eeeer... noo missus, listen....! "You'll like this.... not a lot!" its a little something master magician Paul Daniels showed me, a little trick to make things seem bigger than they are.... much, much bigger! Look deeply into my eyes, you are feeling sleepy, your eyelids are heavy, you are going to sleep... When you open your eyes again you will have forgotten everything.... All together now "...we'll keep the red flag flying here..." One of the things I learned from Robert Maxwell is when cornered, keep denying everything and make verbose threats and play it out to the end. If all else fails, take a cruise! |
