| JULY 2005 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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IN BRIEF : July 25th 2005 - Politicians in Brazil are asking why the Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes, 27 was shot by the British secret service. To put it simply, we have a terrorist situation here. We've tried in our traditional British way asking politely, "...excuse me, sorry to bother you but are you by any chance a terr... "BOOOOOM!" Sadly the man was running away from the police which in these times of nervousness is tantamount to saying, "I'm doing something illegal" Had he stopped on demand, he might still be alive today. Though the shoot to kill policy is harsh, we support the policy as being the best way to say to the terrorists, we mean business. Besides, what choice do we have. Perhaps Mr Menezes thought he was being chased by Brazilian secret service. I wonder just how good their record on civil rights is! |
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| OPINION - Bernard Gusset Rants - The Rant Page | |
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Previous Month's
Front Page
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| 27th July 2005 | |
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MEGA-GOB. OH NO, IT'S OUTA CONTROLLLL...
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Boom boom boom, shake the room Boom boom boom, shake the room Boom boom boom, shake the room... |
 Cherie Blair's gob at large again! |
Tick - tick - tick - tick - BOOM! |
| July 25th 2005 | |
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BLAIR HAS A HANDBAG FIT FOR A MODEL
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 Tony White |
We always knew it. Tony Blair has a penchant
for wearing slap. Yes it seems there's nothing he likes more than getting
out the lipstick powder and paint to enhance his beauty. Compare the
photos left. The top one taken earlier in his reign as leader of the
Labour party, go forward with Labour - by raising taxes and screwing
the public, in which he is making the international sign of the
vagina, no doubt at a moment when he was describing one of his back
stabbing colleagues, he is decidedly pale, pasty not very sexy at all
(if he ever was). In the one below it, giving his "appealing to
the people as a sincere and genuine man of the people..." (yeah
right) he is ... well let's face it, orange!
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 Tony Orange |
Now no one would deny that a politician should
be attractive if he wants to get ahead, but we hear that Tone likes to
carry around a bag full of pancake and mascara, eye whitening drops, in
fact all the paraphernalia that a model would carry. In fact he wears
more make up than even Mrs Prescott, wife of the fat flatulent thug of
the same name John Prescott MP (Must Punch) Anyway Can you imagine the scrum in the men's room at the house of commons. There's Blair with his bag of tricks, a pancake stick in one hand and Campari and soda in the other, fighting for space at the mirror with serial pie consumer, John don't-sit-on-my-face Prescott as he slaps on layers of lard and Michael Howard and John Redwood, whitening their complexions with a little preparation given them by Michael whiter-shade-of-pale Jackson. |
 Old Lard Arse |
Charles Kennedy gently nursing a bottle of scotch whilst adding a touch of blush to his cheeks to match his red hair and bagpipes. Meanwhile in the Ladies powder room, Anne Widdecombe and Margaret Beckett fight over the only electric razor. Claire Short slips into something more comfortable - trousers. Betty Boothroyd pours herself another gin and wonders what the hell she is doing there and how she got there and Baroness Thatcher over from the House of Lords on a nostalgia tour starts swinging her handbag for old times sake. What is the world coming to? |
| July 17th 2005 | |
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MEANWHILE... IN THE VATICAN
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 Pope Bendy Dick |
Pope Benedict XVI as a cardinal, condemned
Harry Potter for distorting Christianity. Oh I expect it'll survive Benny,
after all, it's survived burnings at the stake, priests molesting little
boys - of which there is no mention in the latest Harry Potter - murder
at the Vatican, The Da Vinci Code, hypocrisy etc. His condemnation
went something like: "It is good, that you enlighten people about Harry Potter, because those are subtle seductions, which act unnoticed and by this deeply distort Christianity in the soul, before it can grow properly." What, as opposed to brainwashing them into believing that eating fish on Fridays helps you to get to heaven, putting the fear of religious indoctrination into them in such a way that they would part with all they have in the name of the pope before feeding their children, that contraception is so wrong it is better to bring up a starving family than risk eternal damnation for slipping a rubber sheath over their dicks. Do us a favour! (BBC) |
| July 17th 2005 | |
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HARRY POTTER - REVIEW
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 Expecto ad nauseam |
Well at last its here, the latest Harry Potter, full of spooky goings on and wizardry. The first thing you'll notice is that its rectangular in shape and hard on the outside. Inside, wood pulp leaves have been cunningly fashioned to fit exactly between the brightly coloured hardback covers bearing the legend Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Remarkable! It has been translated into many languages including questionable English. The wonderful thing about this tome is that it has created huge quantities of money and hype. People the length and breadth of the planet have been whipped up into a frenzy by clever PR executives dressed in dark suits and wearing smiles so broad you'd think that all their birthdays had come at once, which they have. |
| So much so that by the launch date, everyone, even fat older anoraks were hyper with excitement, wearing long black robes, pointy hats pointing sticks and shouting at you "Expecto Patronum" at the drop of a talking hat. Eagerly they snatched the book as soon as they were aloud - which was the whole point by the way - and reading it as fast as they could. Strange little boys with large heads wearing patched up glasses lisping their dedication to the teenage wizard and knicker wetting girls in braces breathless with the mass hysteria of hype and impatience. Needless to say they needn't have bothered for by today, there were piles of volumes available in Tesco's and all the other supermarkets so they could have waited for the queues to die down. But that is the nature of wizardry, spells, and hype. | |
| July 12th 2005 | |
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BOMBERS WERE BRITISH NATIONALS - BRITISH??????!
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 Jamie Gordon - Victim of hate |
Jamie Gordon pictured left and the others who died, did so at the hands of so called "British" nationals. There's nothing British about anyone who wants to see those who welcomed them to their shores blown apart, they are the lowest forms of life. In a just world their families whether first or second generation nationals might be repatriated to from whence they came, it seems only fair. Unfair too perhaps, to them, but without a deterrent to stop others, what hope is there for restraint. However the likelihood is that they will be awarded money by Al Quaida for their brainwashed son's sacrifice, buy bigger houses, refuse to integrate and Christmas will be cancelled lest we offend them. Its all a load of bollocks, but that's democracy and a better option to the one the bombers would impose on us - forced beliefs, repression, and fear! |
| July12th 2005 | |
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IT'S A DANGEROUS MISSION AND NO-ONE'S GOT TO DO
IT
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US personel at Mildenhall and Lakenheath military airforce bases have been ordered not to go into London since the terrorist bombs last week. Yep guys, London's a dangerous city (hey there was a war there once). Best stay away from New York cos you know what happened there, and then there is Washington. Avoid Baghdad like the plague, Falluja, in fact anywhere in the Gulf is a bit dodgy, actually there are parts of downtown L.A. you'd be advised to miss out, and Dallas etc. Manchester can be a bit rough on a Saturday night... Walthamstow.... Nantwich, Pwllheli, Polperro |
| July 7th 2005 | |
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LONDON BLASTS - 6 EXPLOSIONS
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 Bombing victim |
London has been the target for six Al Quaeda bombs. well we expected it sooner or later. There are many casualties and as yet only two recorded fatalities though there will be many more no doubt. Tony Blair has made a rather emotional speech (sadly) on television. I would far rather he had been a bit more defiant and Churchillian, for the British people will take no crap from a bunch of ill educated fanatics who still live in the stoneage. The people they have maimed and killed can change nothing. The bombs will therefore achieve nothing and clearly therefore they have learned nothing about the west and those who respect freedom. The west is as stubborn in its resolve as they are, probably more so, for it took hundreds of years for democracy to evolve and we're not likely to go backwards now. |
| Unlike the butcher Al Zaqawi who killed bound old men and women, who ran away when he got hurt, the British will not. We will also be more than fair to those we disagree with - unlike Al Quaida whose only argument comes from the muzzle of a gun and bombs and through the murder of innocents. You can't negotiate with people that ignorant. | |
| July 7th 2005 | |
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WELCOME TO THE COKE, McDONALD'S, BURGER KING OLYMPICS
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Is that what we're in for. The American hard sell. Well Bush said he'd do Blair no favours at the G8 summit. Likewise we shouldn't do US corporate junk food peddlers (it's like corporate drug dealing) any favours either. This should be a wholly British affair. There's no point of fabulously healthy athletes on the track and field whilst in the stands, we the watching public are forced to eat a diet of fast junk food loaded with fats and sugar, just because money talks? It's a likely scenario. Or will they have the common sense and the nerve to get Jamie Oliver to head up the food team. After Jacque Chirac's jibe about British food we should make sure there's no come back about the crap we've been force fed by corporate America no matter how healthy they promise it to be. If our games are plastered with American names after the deal we got out of Iraq, it will be a travesty and prove that we are after all just America's lap dog. Get it together guys. C'mon Jamie, get lobbying. |
| July 6th 2005 | |
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WHAT A RESULT!
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 The winners - British youth! |
Thank you IOC. We're speechless with joy and just wanted to tell you about it. We've actually won something. It's incredible, we'd all put money on France getting it but suddenly here we are, the new Olympians. Its a triumph for British youth, something for them to work towards in the next seven years. Now just one thing, come on Government, give the nation the pride it deserves. No socialist happy clappy crappy thinking. Do it right. No embarrassing monuments dreamed up by butch dungareed equal opportunity whale saving politically correct brown rice eating loony lefties please. Get the designers in. Remember what a great job the Ozzies did and the Greeks despite all the odds being against them. Do not embarrass us this time or we'll never forgive you. |
 London Celebrates |
We've got a golden opportunity
and a head start with the Dome which should become one of the most fabulous
arenas in Europe. The new East London arena should be heart stoppingly
well designed and it doesn't need any Whitehall Civil Servant counting
the pennies saying, "...you've got a bit too much cement on your
trowel there chappie." Come on chaps you tax us enough. Use it properly
for once and make us the proud nation we've fought world wars, Gulf Wars,
Eastern wars to become. This will be our moment to shine. Demolish Manchester,
bulldoze it and build a pretty city; Have Birmingham wallpapered; tarmac
over Wales and use it as a car park; Invent a railway system; have the
Scottish hills and mountains flocked; Get the litter off the streets by
fining people who drop it £50,000 a time. Come on guys, lets get
on this one! |
| July 5th 2005 | |
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PINK FLOYD'S GILMOUR DONATES PROFIT
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As good as his word, Dave Gilmour who performed at the Live 8 concert to help raise awareness of the poverty in Africa is donating his Pink Floyd profits which have come from increased record sales as a result of their Hyde Park appearance. Apparently McCartney has done the same and others will probably follow suit, which just goes to prove their integrity despite those who knocked their motives pre show. It would be nice if Bush and co followed suit but as we already know, Bush has said he believes America already does enough even though US aid is eclipsed by smaller less wealthy countries if you take a comparison of donations to GDP of those countries. Not that many Americans know that. They barely know of world news thanks to a mostly xenophobic media where the buck is bigger than the news. That's why 9/11 shocked America. Obviously Bush must massage the power of the big corporations who yank his chain. |
| Let's face it they own him, but then with his links to the giant Haliburton Corporation, he is one of them. It takes rock stars to put things into perspective which is why Live 8 was such an eye opener. It speaks volumes as does Bush's affirmation that he would do Blair no favours at the G8 summit. Gee thanks G. dubbya. When you have your next war, don't call us, we'll call you! | |
| July 5th 2005 | |
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SAY IT JACQUE - "I HATE THE BRITISH"
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"Eh bien Gerhard, I said you'd enjoy eet." "Ya ya, is it zwei or drie fingers...?" |
Well it's understandable really. He is after all De Gaul's man, and we know what De Gaul felt about the British saving his arse. I suppose we were instrumental - together with America - in putting a stop to his trade with Iraq. Friend and buddy of Saddam Hussein, explains why he wasn't in favour of the war - "Jacques Iraq" as he used to be known in the French media a few years back. He even had Saddam to stay for a long weekend. On the make? Well there have been corruption charges, smoke with fire. Then of course there's the French sale of nuclear technology to Iraq in 1975 when the then president Mitterand sold them plutonium producing nuclear reactors. Maintaining that must have been quite lucrative. As for food. Clearly he must think we all sit around eating fish and chips 7 days a week. Presumeably then Gerhard his bddy sits around eating Sauerkraut and sausage. Is French cusine the only cuisine on the planet? But then nowhere has McDonald's taken off like it has in France. Meanwhile this so called ally lets go at Finland's food too and Scotland's Haggis. You provincial putz. Clearly eating is a high priority in your day. If only politics was. Next he'll be taking a pop at the stodgy Russian diet etc. Look Jacque clearly you've got too much time on your hands. You need a hobby. Why don't you take up diplomacy, it could be fun. |
| Truth is you just can't trust a man who says ugly things about you behind your back, what kind of ally does that? This is probably just the tip of a very large Evian iceberg. And beware the man at your back, he may well stab you in it. By the way Jacque, if you want the best French food, you'll need to come to Britain where it's prepared. | |
| July 5th 2005 | |
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DAVID BECKHAM IN SINGAPORE
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 David and Poshinda Beckham |
David Beckham lent his weight to the British Olympic bid in Singapore yesterday. It was hard to get caught up in his enthusiasm however as he didn't seem very enthusiastic and appeared rather unrehearsed as he struggled to couple words together into inspiring sentences. Meanwhile his wife Posh or Victoria as she often called, stood by his side not saying anything at all. Obviously there is a certain amount of strain involved in the process of evolution from European to Asian. She's either spending too much time tanning by the pool - with not much else on at present - or she's getting her tanning lotion by the tanker full. |
| July 4th 2005 | |
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G8 SUMMIT TALKS START AT GLENEAGLES THIS WEEK
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School's out for the summer |
The G8 leaders - in other words the handful of men who have the rest of us by the balls - will be gathering in Scotland at Gleneagles this week. There they will be able to enjoy the clear sweet Scottish air and chat about old times, wine, dine, share a few jokes, enjoy the wisdom of Jacques Chirac (ever noticed that he's always near the middle of the photos of the group. Another lot he thinks he's in charge of no doubt). Meanwhile Bush - old bandy legs - and Putin will be able to pop outside and huddle in a draft free corner sharing a fag together while they discuss matters that concern them, which wont be third world poverty or pollution. Blair will be making sure the cameras have their wide angled lenses fitted in order to do justice to his clip on smile - that man has so many teeth. |
| Maybe Cheri did a deal. All in all there'll be a lovely atmosphere, the plebs kept at bay by baton wielding traffic police having a break from their normal routine. And in the main, not much will get done, plenty will be claimed to be done and very little will change for the better. | |
| July 2nd 2005 | |
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MAKE POVERTY HISTORY - LIVE 8
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 Bob Geldof - Heroic determination |
Being serious for a moment, Live 8 got off to a energetic start with Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, by Paul McCartney, U2 and Bono giving a surprisingly good rendition which included 4 French horn players dressed in satin Sergeant Pepper costumes. McCartney was the great surprise, a man who has clearly looked after his voice over the years, managing to hit the high notes on the nail, preserving the originality of the sound for which as a fan, I am personally grateful. One only has to remember Simon Le Bon trying to hit the high notes of one of his old numbers and failing. I felt for him but when we are young we can do so much with our voices that as we get older seems impossible to achieve. I for one have lost all my top notes, something I still can't quite get over. So lucky I'm not a singer then really. |
 Edinburgh march |
Meanwhile In Scotland the march to end poverty in the third world has got off to a peaceful start and the huge numbers have proceeded to put a great ring around the city. If I was a householder or owner of a business along their route however, I would be apprehensive for there is always that little corps of anarchic thugs who just love it when things get nasty and fighting breaks out. It would be nice to see them get a good pounding in the name of peace and an end to starvation and human misery on the planet - but you know what, that lot aren't actually there for the cause, they're there for the punch up. Fingers crossed anyway. Of course the one thing that will make all the difference in the world is if the G8 leaders actually take notice of the outpouring of desire by the public and good old Bob Geldof's heroic stand to get some action, despite little oiks like Damon Albarn, Andy Kershaw and David Stubbs of The Wire (a music mag for those not familiar) who have raised voices against the concerts as somehow being more about the massaging of great egos. Okay so they have missed the point, they have also done nothing I have heard about. |
| If they have we haven't heard much about it, why... well as Bob Geldof himself pointed out, you need to be visible to have a voice and who on the planet would listen to what any of these guys would say. Talk about professional envy. Yes so it is a case of whether or not the G8 will listen and do something, but it always was. True, things are not much better in Africa since the last Live Aid but there is a greater awareness and to do nothing is much worse. Doing something is far better than doing... nothing, nada, zip, zero boys! If you fancy however making poverty history instead of bleating about those trying to do something you might go and add your name to the list of those who want something done about it here - Live 8 List | |
| July 1st 2005 | |
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IDENTITY CARDS THE ANSWER
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 Come visit our corner shop |
Roll up roll up, get your identity cards
here. Priced to go. Anywhere between £93 and £300 depending
on whether you believe the government or the LSE who estimate the cost
to the tax payer at £300. Nonsense say the government. Though
on the basis that the they'll promise you anything to get re-elected
in four years time, the cost will be capped - according to Charles Clarke
- at £30 pounds, suggesting of course that the cost will still
be borne by the tax payer, just in a another form. Of course they will
probably cost a hell of a lot more abroad but you can bet your sweet
bippy that in less time than it takes to book a seat for a Cheri Blair
No.10 lecture, they will be apperaing' like pop corn in somewhere like
China or India, available to any old illegal or terrorist wanting to
get through the back door into Britain making them as legit as £3
note. So examine your neighbour carefully and if his name is anything
like Osama Dun Roamin, mention it to a constabulary near you
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| July 1st 2005 | |
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THERE ARE ALIENS!
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Absolutely true according to Tom L. Ron Cruise. Well he would know. To quote the X Files, the truth is out there and frankly, so's Tom. Is it me or is he getting fruit loopy by the day. When so many yes men agree with your every word I guess you are bound to believe you have all the answers. Lost his cool over a water pistol, subscribes to the L. Ron Hubbard school of Scientology (you got an 'ology, you're a scientist) spouting off to the German press that there must be aliens out in space. This is method in the extreme. Sounds to us as though Nicole got out just in time. What's next Tom, throwing food across restaurants and punching people who don't agree with you. Don't look now but the ego has landed. Looking forward to the film though - even though I haven't been able to take you seriously as an actor since... even though I haven't been able to take you seriously as an actor. |
| July 1st 2005 | |
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THE CREPED CRUSADER
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 Who are you...! |
If Michael Jackson was trying to get himself cast as Alfred the Butler in the latest Batman movie he couldn't have made it more obvious. Most days he dressed in a butlers outfit for his court case. Just who makes him his clothes? Is it the wardrobe department at Disney, for whom he has a strange affinity or could it be a team of tiny mice who during the dark hours, toil away in an isolated room in Neverland Mansion dreaming up costumes inspired by the movies Michael watches. We do believe that he designs a lot of them himself, which would explain the toy town emblems and adornments. Isn't time you took some advice about that too Mike? You often resemble the Child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Funny that. |
