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Manchester United
and Alex Fergusson, Robert Mgabe and E.T., Burma
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BERNARD GUSSET'S
AFTERTHOUGHTS - Updated... now and then
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ENOUGH
CASH FOR A NEW LIVER
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Rosy complexioned manager of Manchester United Alex Ferguson can at last afford a liver transplant. The normally moody Ferguson - seen left wearing the Man U logo - was in ebullient form on announcing the possibility of the forthcoming liver transfer for it will breathe new life into his otherwise tortuous day of handling prima donna footballers and their inconsiderate ways, which for a long time has driven him to the brink of sobriety. Just being rid of the old problem, said a spokesman, will make his life worth living again. The operation may take place in Spain apprently. Its no secret that Ferguson hasn't been seeing eye to eye with his liver and his health has suffered. |
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No matter how many
bottles of champagne he has consumed and however many football boots
he's taken to kicking around the changing rooms in frustration, it
hasn't eased his condition. It seems the only thing left is a transplant.
Of course it'll be like cutting off his right arm, said the same spokesman,
you don't lose your liver and not agonise over the decision but it
had grown out of all proportion and something had to be done. No liver
is bigger than the man. Asked
if he thought there would be an effect on his judgement as a manager
the spokesman said he'd rather not comment and left quickly checking
to make sure no low flying boots were heading in his direction.
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AUNG SAN SUU
KYI TERRIFIES BURMESE JUNTA
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Oh my god, whatever
will they do. The military junta of Burma is so scared of Aung San
Suu Kyi they have been forced to lock her up again. Her non violence
is a constant problem. Non violence has been breaking out all over
Burma and to the military there is nothing more scary than non violence
when all those armaments and weapons bought from the West are lying
about with nothing to do. No there's nothing more scary than a Nobel
peace prize winner in your midst. Best lock her up for her own safe
keeping, or until you can think what to do with her with the rest
of the world watching. Kind of hard to accuse her of anything, that's
the frustrating part really. If only she would sneeze or something
then at least they could accuse her of threatening behaviour and execute
her which is of course what they would love to do, just to make things
tidy but nope, she just carries on as before. Not fair really is it
boys....
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WE COULDN'T HELP
NOTICING....
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E.T. and president
Mugabe (E.T. left and Mugabe right)
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Is it us or is there a remarkable resemblance between Robert Mugabe, "President for life" of Zimbabwe (or Rhodesia as it used to be called back in the bad old colonial days before freedom) and E.T. the fictional extra terrestrial from the film of the same name. Is it a case of coincidence or was E.T. modelled on the African despot dictator, gang boss, butcher and all round good guy! There are certain attributes that make us wonder if it really is coincidence or whether Mr Mugabe is in fact an alien who landed first in Yorkshire from whence comes his name (Mugabe backwards by the way is E-ba-gum!) First, well he certainly bears a striking resemblance to E.T. and his politics are out of this world. |
| Mugabe certainly seems to live on another planet - in a galaxy far far away - and his notions of democracy and civil rights appear to be from another dimension. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out that the end is coming for Mugabe, in which case, will he return to his home planet to retire or will he just end up hanging from a lamp post with the rest of his spaced out henchmen. Would this be a good moment to phone home, yes Robert, we think you should as soon as possible! | |
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SEX IN PUBLIC?
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VAT ON FATTY FOODS Then what, a tax on how much tea we drink, how much caffeine we swallow, how many times we go to the lavatory. Here's an idea. Perhaps Scotland Yard could set up a new division to wheedle out and arrest people eating more than than their share of fatty foods. One Dr Martin Breach was preaching to us over the breakfast table that fatty foods should have VAT "...to save us from ourselves.." presumably. Look love we know the score, we have been educated (some of us) and realise the perils of obesity. It's our funeral if we don't watch it. We pay our national insurance which should entitle us to health care no matter what we look like and therefore should be allowed to make decisions on our own without some weedy mouthpiece for the government taking us to task just so they can slap more taxes on the feckless British public who seem to go on taking such pecuniary abuse. By now the French would be blockading ports and burning sheep at such a suggestion. Our message to the BMA if that is who this suggestion really comes from is go forth and multiply. I'm too polite to be ruder than that. BG |
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RUMOURS
OF PRESCOTT FOR AMBASSADOR
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| Rumours are rife that John Prescott, former ship's steward and softly spoken voice piece of the Labour party plans for a career as British ambassador in some foreign field once his time as an MP has come to an end. With his diplomatic skills it is felt by party insiders that Prescott (seen right doing his impression of a turkey) might be the perfect emissary abroad, a man who epitomises the British temperament. A man who's understatement is legendary. A man for whom the word unflappable seems quite inadequate. A man who's subtle manner and succinct argument illustrate the qualities of dignity required in this particular post and a man who will ensure abroad that the British point of view is clearly defined and properly understood from the moment he opens his mouth to the point at which he's whisked away in one of his fleet of Jags. The question is, which country should Britain despatch him to to look after our interests abroad, Saudi Arabia for example where his quiet charm will be an asset to the diplomatic corps, Australia perhaps? Maybe to subtle for there. Japan? He speaks their language - in so many ways. America perhaps where his own brand diplomacy with the press will win many friends. We wish John all the best and good luck with his future career. |
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WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION DISCOVERED AT LAST!
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A lethal cocktail of
discordant notes and Agadoo dance moves wiped out the front five rows
of the auditorium and caused serious damage in the back of the stalls
and as far as the upper circle at the Eurovision song contest in Latvia
this May. The off key ear splitting Europop boom-bang-a-bang rendition
was actually planned and had far reaching effects as the lethal ditty
and end of pier performances shattered the night air. The British
government aren't saying much but it is believed that they were officially
behind it and that this was a secret ploy to get back at those members
of the European Union who refused to support the war on Iraq. Operation
Jemini was completely successful though there was some collateral
damage and complaints from the Chinese.
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A spokesman said that collateral damage couldn't be helped but apologised to those suffering from shock and impaired hearing as a result. "We do what we can to minimise the risks and we thought that Latvia would be far enough away. Obviously we got it wrong again." It has been proposed that the couple who masterminded and carried out the successful assault, Chris and Gemma, be mentioned in the new years honour's list next year. ".... well they're giving everyone gongs in these days of equal opportunities, bus drivers are getting OBE's and cleaning ladies MBE's so we might as well sling something at them." said a member of the civil service. Chris and Gemma hope to consolidate their success in showbusiness. Chris has already been taking advice from former "Dollar" Star David Van Day on running a burger van and Gemma may become either a beautician or a hair dresser.
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