| JUNE 2005 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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IN BRIEF : July 1st 2005 - All through the election, Blair was asked for figures of illegal immigrants living in the UK. All through the election Blair said he had none and that figures could not be collected and that any would be worthless. Now suddenly, not long after the election, here they are with figures of over 500,000 illegal immigrants, just at the point when they are trying to sell us Identity Cards. Funny that. Also they are very tired of a cynical press. Well in that case Tony sweetie, don't sell us lies and fantasies. I suppose there's one good thing Tone, at least Cheri will be able to get a bit of a laugh out of that story during her No.10 lectures, TV programmes and books. Huge Lotto Prize
this Friday on the Euromillions Lottery Ticket - £42,000,000
Phew, can you imagine! |
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| OPINION - Bernard Gusset Rants - The Rant Page | |
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Previous Month's
Front Page
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| June 29th 2005 | |
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TRAFFIC JAM AT TRAFALGAR FAIR
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 The Royal Barge |
So many ships, so little possibility of seeing them close to unless you had a pair of good powerful binoculars. However that didn't daunt the sightseers who piled into Portsmouth. The Navies of the world put on a good show with ships of all shapes sizes and eras. From four square rigging to the latest steel, floating missile silos, they were all there, British, French, Spanish, German even the Japanese were represented in a stirring show of unification to celebrate Trafalgar day. It wasn't about how the British defeated the French at Trafalgar though it seemed from the TV coverage that it was being mentioned every other word at one point. e.g. "This isn't about the British defeating the French at Trafalgar but tell me Pierre Escargot, why are you here?" to just about every French representative. It was a little embarrassing if you cared at all about unity. Wouldn't it have been more diplomatic to mention the celebration only? |
| Another embarrassing thing was the Queen watching the armada of ships from the Endurance. Okay so it is the Endurance (the new one) and it is an ice breaker (nice symbolic touch) but it looks like a tug. There was nothing majestic about it like the old royal yacht. It looks like a glorified barge and being red stuck out like a sore thumb. Whatever happened to our ability to create spectacle? It really didn't match up to the grandeur of the occasion. So sad. We just can't seem to get it right. No doubt it suited republican lefties like Blair and Brown and Prescott the Barbarian but as a representation of Britain before the world's press, it made the Queen look like a tourist. Who for instance advised her to wear that dress instead of something more sophisticated. And the cameras were shooting her mainly from behind which made her look like Hyacinth Bucket on a day trip. She should at least have been on a Naval frigate wearing a dark suit with a single piece of jewellery suitable for the occasion. Disaster! Otherwise the day was a complete success - oh, until it was time to go home. Then it transpired that nothing had been sorted out regarding travel planning to get the people away from Southsea and Portsmouth. Result. Log jam, people stranded, cars at a standstill, trains overstretched and late etc. And we want the Olympic committee to give us the next Olympics? Mmmmm! | |
| June 28th 2005 | |
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DAVID BECKHAM TATTOOS NOT HIS... UH?
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 David Beckham |
Now this is good one. Soccer star David Beckham is being sued by Louis Molloy, body artist, over the rights to his tattoos. "Get outa here!" No it's true. Seems the little guy doesn't want Dave (seen left carrying his favourite stick) flaunting his body adornments in an advertising campaign, claiming that as they are his design, they have his copyright. This weasel clearly conned Beckham in the first place. Anybody with taste would have told David Beckham that tattoos are tacky and low rent. Frankly Dave they look a sight, awful, naff in the extreme. Not even you could make them seem like a good idea sunshine. However, you now have them and to remove them would produce some pretty horrendous scarring. What we at Bullshit News suggest is that you go ahead with the photo shoot and if this lizard Louis Molloy, decides sue you, counter sue because the colour wasn't quite the shade you wanted, the position was not quite right and grab him for a cut of his turnover too for he has no doubt been trading off your name since he mutilated you. Good luck with the case. To see some of Molloy's other mutilations go
here |
| June 27th 2005 | |
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I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
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 Chicks with - that little extra! |
A transvestite beauty pageant
was disrupted by a hard-line Islamic group in Indonesia on Sunday. They
wanted it stopped before it caused god to bring about another tsunami
(no, seriously). Yes indeed! That's just the sort of thing to piss god off. In fact freedoms of any kind and people enjoying life would really upset god no doubt. You can only enjoy life after you're dead apparently and then only if you're a complete fanatic and have managed to blow up innocent people. That's when you get the consignment of virgins, 72 we think - well the men do. What women get is the usual, subservience and cooking and cleaning and being shagged from behind before the master goes off to meet his chums down the local Kif pipe club to swap jokes. "Did you hear the one about the camel, the oil well and the grain of sand..." "...wasn't there a woman in that one?" "No! No women you fool, ever! They are chattels!" "Okay, so go on..." |
| Anyway, men dressed as women will apparently bring down fire and brimstone from above, though hatred and hypocrisy apparently, are rewarded. | |
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FARIA ALAM PLC
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 Alarming Faria Alam |
Faria Alam, seen left here with her tits, on what must have been a lovely warm day because in a tee shirt like that in the normal British summer she'd normally have had nipples like bottle tops - has become a one woman money making machine - was it ever thus? This was the intention all along of course. Standard set up. Get the tits out, have a few dubious meetings with men in power. Make uncorroborated statements about their alleged infidelity, then hit 'em up for a big cash pay-day. God it's great being a priest Ted. Ms Alam alleges that David Davies sexually harassed her. Said good morning in a slightly enigmatic way did he the swine. Well get him for that! Got to be worth a book, "How I was forced to say hello to David Davies". Well that'll screw his chances of getting the top Conservative party job... unless its the other one at the FA. Maybe Faria will get a twofer suing them both just in case. |
| June 22nd 2005 | |
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CHARLOTTE CHURCH - THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL....
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 Charlotte Church voice of an angel, pissed as a rat |
...the thirst of a docker and apparently a taste for hooker chic. Yes there's nothing this sweet, diminutive, shy, retiring young warbler likes than a good belt of the hard stuff. Let's face it she can afford it. After a good yodel and tonsil exercising - singing that is - Charlotte Church just loves to get shit faced. Well it's what all British teenagers do. You see the great thing about getting shit faced is that it makes you look big in front of your friends, almost heroic. The same way that smoking does, got it? Yep and you don't have that terrible problem of having to know just how bored you really were the night before, because if you get smashed enough you wont remember. "Bored? No I got blotto yeah, what a night, oh yeah I can really put it away!" Gosh you're so clever! Being arseoled and peeing in your pants is a status symbol in teenage Britain apparently. |
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Its what British kids - abroad particulkarly - are famous for, young drunk, foul mouthed, leery, immature, insecure, teenagers doing their very best to drink themselves to unconsciousness - why, because they're misunderstood, want respec' and they've just got to prove what big men and big women they are, by getting slaughtered. How imaginative. As for Charlotte, she's got more than most, talent at least even if she's not going in the right direction. Sorry luv but you should stick to what you know. Maybe that's it. she's drinking to forget. Or she maybe drinking to forget those thunder thighs! Charlotte Church, the voice of an angel and teen piss artist. |
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| June 22nd 2005 | |
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WIMBLEDON PIGGIES
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 Sharapova - "Thar she blows!!!" |
"Have you seen the little piggies grunting on the court, and for all those little piggies nothing beats a snort." (apologies to Lennon & McCartney) Yes there's nothing like a good grunt. Its the best way to mask a fart. Most pert little tennis girlies would never admit it but they are enormously flatulent from constant diet and keeping thin. In the huge muscular push that comes with the effort of the serve, the only way for players like Sharapova and Monica Seles to mask a loud thunderblat is to give a good masking grunt. It does the trick and puts the opponent off too, so there's a side benefit. There is the constant risk of follow through and many a manager sits in the stands biting his nails and trying to reassure their nervous sponsors. |
| It wouldn't do for her sponsors who include Canon, to have her snapped mid brown-out! So now you know why tennis girlies grunt. Those aren't frilly panties under the short skirt you know, they're heavily disguised Pampers. No they're not having an orgasm, just blowing off. | |
| June 21st 2005 | |
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...LITTLE TINY TOM, TOM CRUISE
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 Tom Screws, midget actor mentality |
Short, diminutive, petite, tiny, short arse, these are just some of the terms you wouldn't dare to use around Tom Cruise. But what he lacks in stature he makes up for in ego. Yes Tom has one giant ego but almost as amazing as his shortness is his low self esteem for when he was squirted with a water pistol at the opening in Leicester Square of his latest movie, War Of The Worlds - a movie no doubt where things are liberally squirted at him and thrown at him and he triumphs over evil taking, on all the bad aliens and monsters at once and no doubt saving America and the world (in that order, yawn) he threw a superstar wobbly. Now come on Tom tit, it was only water. If you'd laughed it off the gag would have died a death but.... (sharp intake of breath) that ego!!!! |
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Ah yes and the latest girlie on your arm. Well suffice
to say, Tom drew himself up to his full stature (5'5" in his lofted
bootees) and got all mouthy about it. Lighten up Tom. You're not God...
yet! Now run off and wipe your nose like a good boy.
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| June 19th 2005 | |
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CHIRAC TO TURN UP LATE FOR G8
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 "You want to 'what' me Jacques...?" |
Jacques Chirac furious at not
getting his own way at the in Brussels at the EU summit has vowed to snub
the G8 summit by not turning up on time. As a result, its probable that
more may get settled. And if it does, why should he be a party to it.
He'll be out of the loop. The absence of this cheese eating surrender
monkey in a frock, should present the perfect opportunity for others to
create alliances whilst he's off sulking in Singapore putting France's
Olympic bid before world poverty and other international points on that
agenda. Well that's not new. Whenever there are matters affecting the
lives of the innocent like Iraq etc., he never agrees unless he thought
of it first. Seems he's just got this huge chip on his padded shoulders.
This very gay reaction is the political equivalent of stamping his foot
and storming out of the room in floods of tears at a fashion show. |
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Now if you want 'Pathetic' Gerhard, that's pathetic! Gerhard Schroeder, the hair dyeing burgher of Berlin branded Tony Blair pathetic because he wouldn't capitulate to his Teutonic dogmatism. Well he would Gerhard and Jacques, if you two would also give up your massive farm subsidies which have been killing our farmers and prolonging poverty in the third world for years. Yes once more the French are in bed with the Germans when it comes to matters of, well just about anything. These two leaders are virtually fucking each other they're so in love with their mutual opinions. If you ask me there's something very Vichy about all this... totally déja vu.
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| June 17th 2005 | |
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CRUISE CONTROL
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 Cruising with Katie Holmes |
Tom Cruise has asked his girl friend Katie Holmes to marry him at last. Yes he popped the question to Katie under the Eiffel Tower. How romantic. No doubt he looked longingly in to her eyes, direction running on auto pilot in his head "coming in for extreme close up, look into my eyes, no not the capped front tooth.... hold that position. Eye shot, tear rolls down her cheek, wipe away with thumb, flash the smile, think of L Ron Hubbard and pop the question..." "How d'you feel about becoming a Scientologist honey?" she replies, "...oh Tom, d'you think I could." |
| June 13th 2005 | |
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THE MICHAEL JACKSON VERDICT - JACKSON NOT GUILTY!
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 Whack-ho, Jacko! |
Michael Jackson has been cleared
on all counts of child molestation and plying minors with "Jesus
juice". Vaseline shares plunged as a result but rallied quickly for
some inexplicable reason. Given the nature of the accusations, Jackson
must now GROW UP and accept that he isn't Peter Pan but a man who must
now behave like a man. This means he must not sleep with children again,
no matter how innocent the occasion. Get on with his music and get his
libido in order, possibly take some counselling maybe. In few other countries
would Jackson have got as free and clear as he did in California. Given
that he sees himself as a god like being, this has been a case of Jacko
moon walking on water. As he left the court house he said nothing but
quickly departed. Maybe he was in a hurry to get home and celebrate by
cracking open a new boy.... I mean bottle of champagne, of course. |
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SELLAFIELD CONTROVERSY
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 Sellafield Completely Safe Nuclear Plant |
The recent discovery of a leak from the Thermal Oxcide
Reprocessing Plant (THORP) at Sellafield has fuelled controversy regarding
safety procedures at the plant. A wizened slightly yellow, elderly spokesman
for the company said, |
| ....See how when he lies down
he has a smile on his face... keep smiling Smithers, there's a bottle
of delicious Californian wine in it for you, don't worry I'll have you
flushed by experts later...." "Excuse me sir, your man there doesn't look very well if you don't mind me mentioning it." "Heh heh, of course not you rascal you... Smithers, crawl over to the button and loose the hounds...!" |
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| June 10th 2005 | |
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NO ONE ASKED ME!
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 "Pretentious? moi!?" |
As a rich pop star, Damon Albarn of the band Blur can afford to have a conscience. It was announced that he was to perform at the Live 8 concert being organised by Bob Geldof (for whom the knives are out though we'd take a bet that Bob erudition will flatten the opposition who didn't think of it first) which apparently came as something of a surprise to Albarn. He is taking a stand against Geldof bemoaning the fact that there weren't enough black bands representing Africa and that the concert was more about bands raising their profiles than awareness of the plight of ordinary Africans. Albarn stressed on radio 4 today that he himself was involved with an event involving African bands to do just that. However, I personally am already a lot more aware of the plight of African poverty as the result of the announcement of Live 8 than I was before. As for Albarn's proposed gathering, I couldn't tell you when where or what it was in aid of as such. Anyway, good luck with it and we hope you pack out the night club you've hired for the event. |
| June 10th 2005 | |
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HELLO YOUNG LOVERS WHEREVER YOU ARE...
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 Jacques and Gerhard having Eurosex |
"Mais oui Gerhard my leetle
cabbage, mon petit croisant, I seeng to you with jungel lurv... I luv
Paris in the sprong time, I luv Deutchland in the fall. Aah, we 'ave so
mooch in common and when we're toegther eet feels so right my love. I
cannot wait to fondle your Knockwurst and snitzel. You can stroke mon
baguette anytime you get ze urge. Apart we pine for each uther but when
we are together, we are so strong. Eet is why when there is trouble at
ze mill I cum back to you. We will show that Tonee Blair what we are made
of... not just fromage and sauerkraut! We will make him pay and in doing
so will draw ze attention away from ze constitution which we will have
adopted even though ze people don't want it. After all, EEC belongs to
us." "Ach Jacques, you are so strong and manly and butch, you must have German in your blood. I want to kees you full on ze leeps and invade Poland again." |
| June 8th 2005 | |
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YORKSHIRE RIPPER ON FANTASTIC NEW DIET
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 Ripper mate! |
The Yorkshire Ripper - Peter Sutcliffe - has discovered a fantastic diet which will no doubt catch on big time. The diet - which requires that you lose the will to live and eat nothing - has been so successful that after ten or so days he's lost a huge amount of excess body fat and is now skinny and sexy again and every girls dream. Needless to say book and film offers are flooding in. We wanted to know what had inspired him to come up with such an idea in the first place so we sent one of our young stringers to get the story. As we haven't seen her in a while, we sent another stringer in to get the low down and she hasn't turned up yet either, though they have searched the prison thoroughly for them. No doubt they got lost in the myriad of corridors or just got side tracked, its easily done. Anyway as far as we can gather it was an idea that came to him as he was contemplating the rest of his life. It just sort popped into his mind from nowhere. Maybe it was the grey walls, the bare stone, the small room or the tiny barred window that gave him the inspiration. We may never know. |
| June 7th 2005 | |
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MAXIMUS DIRIDIUS DOOFUS - RUSSELL CROWE IN COURT...
AGAIN
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 Not so super star Crowe |
Russell Crowe,
a good actor but not the most diplomatic or tolerant of human beings (if
you can describe this ego as human, he's more gorilla than homo sapiens)
locked up for throwing a phone at a hotel porter over a disagreement.
Asked to change a faulty phone in Crowe's room the porter apparently came
at him with an attitude at which point Crowe says, "That's not an
attitude... this is an attitude!" and hurls a phone at him injuring
the man's face. Its very sad, a man who earns millions has such a low
self esteem that he has to resort to throwing his weight about because
it appears he can't form a good and sensible argument. Maybe that sort
of behaviour is Australian for charm. But look a film star of his stature
throwing a tantrum to get his own way, because he wants people to know
how important he is. Who does he think he is, Joan Crawford? this is less
likely to get him that kind of credibility. No doubt he thinks this will
enhance his legend - Yawn! Violence the last resort of the truly stupid. |
| June 6th 2005 | |
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FEAR TACTICS OF GOVERNMENT TO RAISE CAR TAX
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 Alistaire "Trust-Me" Darling |
Yes the government in the form of their spokesman Alistaire Darling - and he's no darling - is once more using the tactics of fear (learned from the 9/11 experience) to bump up the tax motorists pay for the privilege of driving to work, going to the shops and visiting loved ones. Through 9/11 they learnt that if you proclaim loud enough that there is a terrorist on every corner and bombs under your bed, the Americans would accept any legislation guaranteed to restrict normal life. So likewise the British government who learned all sorts of lessons form Tony's big chum George, decided to do the same here to get more tax out of motorists proclaiming that in several years time... |
| ....we would have a situation here of gridlock. What was their solution? Well not to take freight off the road (which would lose them votes) and increase public transport and make it attractive to the public who have no choice but to take the car to get to where food is, schools are and work. Oh no. | |
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They propose to set up cameras
everywhere watching our every move and charge us for using the roads we've
already paid for ten times over to go about our daily routines. Tax on
petrol will come down and road tax will be abolished they say. On heavily
congested roads, they would charge drivers at a rate of perhaps £1.35
a mile. On minor roads as little a 2p. and the rest somewhere in between
we assume. What they want is for us to stay at home permeably.... and do what exactly, nothing, watch TV and play Scrabble. Become the couch potatoes they spent most of 2004 going on at us about? |
| So say you drive down from Manchester to London (200 miles) well if its an average price for that say 50p a mile that's £100 + petrol which if it was 42p a litre say and in a car that did 40 miles to the gallon, your trip would cost you £116 pounds - not to mention other incidentals. That's just one trip. Now you might therefore decide to go by train instead, which is probably what they're hoping...well if a lot of people do that, how will they get a seat on an already overcrowded and shaky system. What all this means is that every time you get in the car you will be saying "...should I?" Meanwhile Tony and his crony champagne socialist buddies will get huge travel allowances, government cars etc. so they'll not notice any change at all. Look the fact is the government have got to raise more tax to pick up on the falling revenues as smoking is declining and with it its tax revenue. No one has a choice with driving. You either go out into the world to make your way or you stay at home and knit yourself a six foot by two foot box. Pay as you go driving is an Orwellian concept that will make poll tax look like loose change by comparison... and all those cameras watching our every move.... has Stalin come back from the dead!? Of course if you let 100,000 immigrants into the country, that's another 100,000 - 150,000 cars as they'll all want a car in the new wonderful capitalist freedom of a democracy an why shouldn't they? Frankly we think the idea stinks and it is amazing it ever got to press. | |
| June 6th 2005 | |
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JACKO IN HOSPITAL - FEARS FOR HIS HEALTH
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 "What's that... eh? Speak up speak up!" |
Poor Michael Jackson, now so frail and with failing health... will he survive long enough to hear the verdict? That's the big question. His back is bad and he walks slowly like a man in great pain and his aids tell us how this delicate man is close to collapse. The condition has come on with staggering speed and he is in hospital as the jury debates his fate. Does the jury know how ill he is and that he is receiving treatment. We assume that his defence lawyers have moved heaven and earth to tell the world, so they better had or else someone will loose his job. Will he survive or is it all over. Will we never see his like again. Will he ever have the strength again to haul himself on to the top of his RV and dance in front of his own cameraman the way he did at the beginning of the trial. We're not sure. |
| What he needs is some real rest. 25 years on a firm mattress with a room mate called Gorilla might bring him back to health or even a not guilty verdict could have a miraculous effect. Who knows. The jury is out on that one. We'll wait and see. | |
| June 3rd 2005 | |
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CHERIE EARNS PIN MONEY WITH TALES OF LIFE AT No.10
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 Caution! Mouth Widening in progress |
It must be tough for Cherie as a Barrister with a meagre salary of £200-400,000 a year and being married to Tony (President) Blair. Now with a big family to feed she has to go out and turn other avenues of employment to make ends meet, such as doing a lecture in the US for 30 grand. About what? About life at Number 10. Deeeeep! Well one must eke out a crust. Naturally she's not taking advantage of her position as wife of the Prime Minister, or taking advantage of Tony's summit with George Bush which just happens to be at the same time. Pure coincidence. I know this because some blustering old dear on the Jeremy Vine show today said so. With no real answers she put the furore down to... well sour grapes, envy the usual sort of accusation when there's no way to go with blatant facts staring you in the face. Of course in February the mouth that never closes also pulled down a cool $181,000 for a week of speechifying in Australia, cash coughed up by a children's cancer charity. |
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That should keep the Blair kids in baked
beans (and Ewan in Scotch). You would think, would you not, that after
all the miserable mouthing off at the privileges of the over privileged
Lords that Tony would stamp his foot at this as being badly timed and
inappropriate for the wife of a Labour, sorry, New Labour Prime Minister.
But no. All that fuss about not parading the children through the media
to show what good parents they are, not interested in sensationalising
their family for gain, then this happens. No, the truth is this is a
family with ambitions, financial ambitions. This is family group of
double standard opportunist profiteers determined to get their pound
of flesh whilst they can. It isn't enough for them to be Prime Minister
and leading Barrister wife. Like Oliver Twist, they want more.
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| June 1st 2005 | |
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GELDOF - FINDING THE 'G' SPOT
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| See the proposed line up of Live 8 Stars | |
 Sir Bob Geldof |
Sir Bob Geldof, erudite rock star and champion of the third world is once more planning a concert to raise - not funds this time but awareness - of poverty in Africa. A brilliant idea. Instead of Live Aid, it will be called Live 8 and will be aimed at the wealthy first world nations meeting at the G8 summit in the hope that debt in Africa can be both addressed and ultimately eradicated. Sadly he will need to insist they eradicate the corrupt leaders of certain African countries who seem to think they are entitled to plunder the wealth of their own people and when that is not available, they plunder the aid we give them. How they will manage that is another problem entirely. It is a sad fact that certain leaders in Africa have less concern of their people's welfare than certain charitable bodies in the first world. |
 Spice Girls - past their sell-by date? Yep! |
Meanwhile, it wont be all plain sailing
for us in the west either. There are some bands you shouldn't have to
listen to and some might take it as an opportunity to make a comeback
- god forbid Cliff Richard and Brotherhood of Man should pitch up. Luckily
The Spice Girls, they of such memorable contributions to the arts as
Spice World The Movie and Wannabe will not be on the list. Zigga Zigaaaaah
I hear you sigh. Well it has been decided that they do not exactly fit
the right profile for a concert concerned with African poverty. They
are however reforming apparently. To do what no one is completely sure
but it wont be to make music - that would be a first for them. Maybe
they plan to spread more girl power or something like that. Yeah you
can see Bob's point. Not exactly what the starving millions in Africa
want in lieu of food - Girl Power. It remains to be seen just how well
their fan base has held up.
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There's just so much you can absorb of Scary Spice shaking her fat arse and wobbling her mane of rats tails to a beat. By now everyone must realise that Victoria is more famous for not being too talented (she only has the one pout which she uses for every photo opportunity), being married to Wayne Rooney and wearing the most hideous theatrical off the peg Wilmslow rags. As for Baby Spice.... no idea what she does. And Sporty Spice, well she's got the only voice and is a good tough old butch stocky lass who I wouldn't want to meet down a dark alley at midnight.... not even for a fight. Talking of Jerry Haliwell, what's happened to her these days. Oh no doubt she'll be there, but at least her heart is out there for the poor and needy.... rock stars who haven't had a hit in a while. Promises to be a fun event. I'll watch it if only to see Sir Bob - give us your fockin' money - Geldof with his Boomtown Rats and Bono in his ludicrous dynastic shades. That guy's got more posture than Michelangelo's David. There's more ham in him than a Mississippi hog! PS - The proposed line up so far (provided egos don't get in the way) is Madonna, U2 (of course), Cold Play, Elton John, Paul McCartney, Bob G and the Rats (naturally) Robbie Williams (Career move), Sting (The bitter tears of Sting) with Phil Collins, the fabulous Joss Stone (a voice to die for), Duran Duran (there from the start), and REM. With a line up like that they'll have no problem filling Hyde Park, Green Park and Kensington Gardens. |
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| See the proposed line up of Live 8 Stars | |
