| MARCH 2005 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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| STOP PRESS : Any hopes of the Conservatives organising a piss up at a local brewery were dashed when no one could decide which brewery, who would organise the event, who should come and who should drive the bus on the way home. Meanwhile the Liberal party took over the event for themselves and with the evening totally paid for, all still amnaged to come home sober! John Prescott was sent for to come and finish the left over booze and he brought a couple of mates to help him, Tony and Gordon. | |
| Previous Month's Front Page | |
| 30th March 2005 | |
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TODAY'S RECIPE -
BETTER SCHOOL MEALS
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To start with your going to need a very, very
large pinch of salt. |
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Whilst the initial ingredients are simmering you can prepare the next phase of this exciting dish. For this you'll need a Labour Politician. We recommend a Ruth Kelly, MP for Bolton West (That's a place in England north of the Watford Gap) and as it happens is coincidentally Education Secretary - seen left (No she really is a woman and has 4 kids) Here you'll need to add the information that experts have said that school meals have been deep fried and unhealthy for ooh say, years and years and that despite constant bombardment of this information nothing has been done to change that. However this is a secret ingredient and should be very down played to add surprise to the dish later. |
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To bring this dish to its
delicious conclusion you are now going to need a celebrity politician.
You need to add a Tony Blair Prime Minister (like the trustworthy one
left) and this one like the truffle is unique and rare, a very hard ingredient
to acquire, very seasonal and highly sought after. The best time to get
one of these is during an election or pre-election campaign when they
are in plentiful supply and will suffuse flavour into the dish by promising
just about anything to get re-elected. About now you'll find that a miraculous
transformation occurs. £200,000,000 becomes suddenly available for
better school meals and Ruth Kelly starts saying that it had nothing to
do with Jamie Oliver or an election and was planned all along (7 years?)
- yes we said you'd need a large pinch of salt with this dish. Allow to
cool until luke warm and slightly congealed before serving. Wash down
with a large glass of anything you have to hand then pour yourself a very
large brandy. Puke up, then await the next unbelieveable act of re-election
generosity. Enjoy! |
| 27th March 2005 | |
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IT'S A GOOD DAY TO RELEASE BAD NEWS
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"You see, we are the
most honest party, you can trust us. When have we ever lied to you?
Look this Howard Flight business, well we've been telling you how dishonest
the Tories are. We've been so honest for the last seven years so you
know you can trust us, not to put up council tax if we win the next
election, not to go to war or bend the truth to allow us to go to war
again, not to create more stealth taxes, to get the health service working,
to bring down petrol prices.... ah heck, we're going to give everyone
in Britain a hundred thousand pounds each, raise pensions by ten thousand
pounds a year, walk on water by mid term, ban winter, free burgers for
all fatties and council tenants, death to fat cats and anyone earning
more than they should - except John Prescott, he's one of us - and....
all this and more if you vote for us. Look, you know you can trust
us!"
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| 27th March 2005 | |
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A VOTE FOR TONY IS A VOTE FOR "TWO JAGS"
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There's nothing John Prescott likes better than a good punch up with the voters. Yes you can't beat it, when you've been busy paving over Sussex and other Tory strongholds and trying to string together cogent arguments and sentences that actually mean something, and you're tense and stressed out from a day dodging eggs and buckets of water from some of your admirers, scowling and losing your rag with smart mouthed political journalists who know better than you do what's what, throwing punches at the voters is that all important way to let off steam. And very soon there's going to be a lot of that. |
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Later when John Prescott has finished in the House for the day bullying junior ministers and venting his envious spleen at people he hates for their accidents of birth, he likes to unwind with a pint of larger top and settle down with the left over pies from the Commons Cafeteria. Only then can he unwind, let what's left of his hair down, spend an hour discussing his wife's latest Bouffant from Chez Kevin in the precinct, study the latest Jag spec in Motor magazine and then grab an hour with his English teacher (seen left) for some in depth advice and practise so that if he should ever have to hold a discussion he can't win by bullying, he can at least give half an answer. Later he likes to polish his knuckle duster and plan his next Barratt home as his current one is almost worn out! |
| 18th March 2005 | |
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"PETIT DEJEUNER - EVERY ONE'S
A WINNER!"
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 Chinhook Delicopter |
"Look Rodders its simple... if you happen to be in the market for a few Chinhook helicopters go no further. The Ministry of Defence is running long on some it bought back in the 1990s, about 8 in fact. So thought, I'll 'ave some of that my son. Lovely jubbly! State of the art, the very last word in helicopter technology and very nice little runners, immaculate, hardly used. Well they would've been see, only they came with the basic showroom spec and that isn't good enough for the military. Yeah well they blew the deal didn't they? Some bright spark in the Ministry forgot to put in the contract that they wanted furry dice on the mirror and toilet roll holder on the flight deck and now no one wants to put up the dosh to refit them. The Yanks don't cos' why should they, a deal is a deal.. See its all down to those dipsticks at the ministry Rodney yeah... I mean, what were they thinkin'? |
 Del Boy |
I reckon they was all off 'avin' a cuppa and left it to Doris the tea lady to cut the deal. Grandad could have made a better job of it. Sorry Grandad. No they should've made it clear from the start, but oh no, someone, and they're not saying who, forgot the detail see. Wot a load of wallys. So there we are. I've got 8 lovely Chinhook choppers goin' cheap, knocked down from 260 mill', yours for £20 quid apiece and a 'Pina Colada' and I'm robbing my self, straight up. "Petit dejeuner, everyone's a winner!" Awright? Now if you want me, I'll be down the Nag's 'ead trying to shift a load of ex-MOD dodgy radios that nearly work, need gettin' rid of and some rifles that are great... as long as you don't try to fire them, know wot I mean?!
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| 14th March 2005 | |
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"DO YUH THINK I'M SIXTY?"
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....yes but you're a young sixty, and you're looking good for your age Rod Stewart and what's this we hear, you're about to be married... again!? Honestly Rod, what are you like? Yes indeed he's to marry childhood sweetheart - that's someone else's childhood of course and possibly someone else's sweetheart - Penny Lancaster, a blonde clone of his former wife Rachel Hunter - now dating Robbie Williams - who was a clone of the wife before that and so on. Well go get 'em Rod though better watch out as Rachel has plans for your £100,000,000 fortune. Meanwhile the rest of us have concerns for that wart on your face which seems to growing by the hour. A team of eminent vulcanologists say that the dome is growing and that it could erupt at any moment. At a time when super volcanoes have been much in the news, this comes second only to the might of the Yellow Stone National Park volcano in the USA. Its a toss up which will go first say the boffins. |
| The scientists say that if Rod's
face erupts suddenly without warning, there could be a mega tsunami that
will wipe out Rodeo Drive and the whole of downtown LA not to mention
putting Beverly Hills and Bel Air in serious danger. There are plans afoot
to scale the dome for further tests next week. The expedition will be
led by Stuart Little and a nervous Woody Allen. "... I'm.. you know,
apprehensive and excited and .. well I'm getting crampons for...you know
my feet.....(nervous laugh)... well I wouldn't want to fall off... I could
damage my smock..." |
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| 8th March 2005 | |
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"HELLO..... MY NAME'S MRS WINDSOR!"
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 "Naaaybors everybody needs good naaaybors!" |
"Divorce is divorce of course, of course, It's terrible what the press have said, Harvey Nicks and Selfridges have got our wedding list, Divorced is divorced of course of course
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| 6th March 2005 | |
| The Liberal democrats, led by Charles Kennedy, he of the boyish haircut and Celtic bearing have declared themselves to be the official opposition to New Labour. Of course that depends on whether you can find it in your heart to vote for a man still sporting a 12 year old's fringe and a party whose only visible policy is to make us even poorer. It is suggested that people watch the skies for low flying pork! | |
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"JUST
KENNEDY"
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 Kennedy Major, Intermediate and Minor The scourge of the upper sixth |
"We're the only ones." sighed Kennedy Major as he watched his middle brother Jim, Kennedy Intermediate, surveying the gaping hole. Horace, Kennedy Minor peered at him whilst breaking wind, always a jolly good wheeze, in the right company. "What Ho!" said brother Charles, "You stinker, " snapped Kennedy Intermediate, "Yes you're probably right Charles..." he continued, "We are the only ones." "Only ones what?" growled the impatient little brother, "Only ones who offer a serious resistance to that bully Blair and his cronies in the upper sixth. Howard's not going to pull it off!" "I beg your pardon...?" scowled Kennedy Major, "No not that silly, beating Blair I meant. For goodness sake Charles, grow up." Kennedy Major tutted and nodded as it sunk in, "Yes of course." "Why are you looking into that hole?" said Horace suddenly. "It's the only illustration this rag could find, anyway, that's not important now. Just how we're going to blow off Blair is the important thing..." |
| "WHAT!?" hissed Charles.
"Oh god not again." said exasperated brother Jim. "Look
blow off means something completely different these days Charles."
"Not in my dorm...!" insisted Charles biting his bottom lip
and tucking his unruly fringe back under his cap..... I could do with
a stiff one said little brother Horace. After they'd revived Charles who'd
just fainted, they all adjourned to a place called the Commons Bar where
they enbibed for several hours until the were completely rat arsed! |
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| 5th March 2005 | |
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THE
EARS HAVE IT!
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Great Jugs Tony! |
"Actually I don't do everything that Alistair tells me too. Having my ears widened was partially my idea if you want to know the truth. It seemed a good way to get a bit more hoarding space for the odd message in case there's an election, not that I'm saying there's going to be one of course, keeps me lovely and cool too. Look it's ludicrous to suggest there's going to be an election, Alistair hasn't decided yet and as for me, well you know I'm a man of my word..." "...er what about the weapons of mass destruct..." "... not that again, look why do you journalists always have to go on about these things; that was last year..." "... what about the late Dr Kelly and the 40 minute warning..." "....yes, look there was the Hutton report. Didn't you read it? Anyway, all that's dead and buried, okay? Well at least Dr Kelly is.... look what I'm saying is when its time you'll be the first to know, in the meantime just thrill to these new ears of mine; smashing aren't they? |
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3rd March 2005
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"CHERIE BLAIR
ATE MY BABY..."
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 Aardman's Cherie Blair |
"Well I just turned around for a few seconds, I was distracted see, someone was chucking eggs again at John Prescott and you wouldn't want to miss that, its almost a ritual these days, eggs, buckets of water, whatever next, I ask you. Anyway, Cherie was kissing my baby as you do when there's an election see and Tony, 'er 'usband was kissin' my usband's arse, well it was bound to happen, he's been doin' bloody everythin' else to win votes 'asn't he? Well there she was gone, my Blodwin, missin' and Cherie was wipin' her mouth, so puttin' two and two together... well you know. I just shoved my fingers down her throat... well actually I got my hand and up to my elbow down there before she started to... you know, throw up. Turns out the baby was on the divan behind a cushion. Daft look you. Anyway, this time I'm voting Plaid Cymru just in case. |
| March 2nd 2005 | |
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JORDAN SHOCKED BY
HER PREGNANCY - SHOCK?
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A pair of breasts!
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We're shocked that Jordan, famous model and wife of walking six pack life support mechanism Peter Andre - who also does a bit of warbling in his spare time for loose change - was apparently so astounded at her pregnancy that she tested 9 times. Yeah it took that many times before it finally penetrated - a lot fewer than it took Peter presumably. " ...I can't believe it..." we assume she said, "...it's 'mazing how those little swimmers can travel so far. One minute they're sticking to the roof of your mouth, the next thing you know, you're up the duff. "Maybe there's more than one way to skin a cat..." we said, "...ere wot you gettin' at you dirty bugger." scowled the super model (seen left modelling her breasts - again sigh!) "No we didn't mean..." we stammered. "Yeah...." said the lugubrious Andre plucking a hair from between his teeth. |
| March 2nd 2005 | |
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JACKO
TO SUE McDONALDS?
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 Michael Jackson (above) Ronald McJackson (Below) |
...or should it be the other way around? We have now hit on a serious theory as to why Michael Jackson has had so much surgery on his face - which by the way, Jackson alleges is no more than two operations - Yeah right and the Millennium Done was built square originally. Anyway, we believe that Jacko is trying to remodel his features on the world renown children's favourite Ronald McDonald. The similarities are uncanny (see our composite left) and completely contradict our earlier article, that Jackson was modelling his face on a Yak's arse. True, at times it has often looked like a midget peering out of a Yaks sphincter but in fact the new theory holds much more water. Michael has always wanted to get close to children. He has his Neverland ranch, a fair ground, a zoo and a K-Y tanker parked around the back. The one thing he needed after all that was an image they could connect with. It was either going to be Peter Pan or because of the restrictions of his natural appearance it had to be something more attainable. And lets face it, all kids love to get a McDonalds inside them. It was the obvious next step. In yer face Jacko! The trial continues. |
