| MAY 2005 | |
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Pete Doherty, Malcolm
Glazer and Manchester United, Star Wars episode III, ASDA mum in a million
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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STOP
PRESS :
EU Constitution is dead. Be prepared for some EU Constipation whilst
Chirac tries to salvage what's left of his dignity and self esteem.
Arrogance has its price and it seems that ordinary Frenchies don't like
the set up any more than we do. Seeing as how they figure they own the
EU (being founder members) and can't stand anyone who doesn't see the
same colours they do, this must be a big turn off for froggy politicians.
Lets see now. I wonder if Tone will risk a referendum. It could count
as a vote of no confidence in his Premiership if it went the wrong way
so lets take a guess shall we? Salut!
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| OPINION - Bernard Gusset Rants - The Rant Page | |
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Previous Month's Front
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| CHECK OUT OUR PAGE THREE GIRL | |
| May 27th 2005 | |
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SINGER STILL BORING FOR BRITAIN
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 Loser! |
Junkie Pete Doherty, he of Babyshambles, a band I can't be bothered to listen to - as they all wine and moan and sound the same these days - says that the daughter of Kate Moss - the house wrecking model - whose taste in men is equalled only by her inability it seems, to pick a half decent role model for her young daughter Lila who refers to Doherty as Potty Pete. No he's not sweetie, he's just a deadly dull musician with a death wish and I wish he'd GET ON WITH IT! It's all been done before! What this bizarre ego wants is for thousands of little girls to wet their knickers with grief at his funeral in some weird belief that he's going to be able to watch it from above like some benign deity on high. Oh get over your self Pete for goodness sake, and think about someone else for a change, like Lila. Give her something to look up to. Be a hero. God you're so boring - and predictable! |
| May 25th 2005 | |
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FAT THUG PRESCOTT GIVES RINGO A MOUTHFUL
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 Prescott when not putting his foot in his mouth likes to put a fist in someone's face |
Why is this idiotic, fat pie eating thug so powerful? This loud mouthed pugilistic despot politician who's got the vocal dexterity of a Dalmatian shagging a Toy Poodle at a dog show, a man whose diplomatic skills makes Goebbels look like a gentleman, a man so revered in politics that the Russian President made sure he was at the back of a VE day photograph to celebrate 60 years since the end of World War Two. This embarrassment, this demi linguist, this English loon who plans to pave over Sussex, mainly because he hates everyone who lives in the very blue south. |
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What does he do; he attacks Ringo Starr for speaking his mind about his home town and Prescott's planned vandalisation of its character by knocking down all the older charcterful properties rather than renovate them - which would be cheaper by the way - and instead erecting hideous modern boxes in their place. In a comment directed at former Beatle Ringo Starr who just happened to say, “If it is economically viable they should do up the houses.” Prescott visiting a site today with his co-vandal Brown laughed in that smug working-mans-club-chairman way he always does (clot) when ridiculing anyone he doesn't like - and that's a lot of people by the way - or who doesn't happen to share his moronic point of view. "...it's got nothing to do with Ringo he doesn't live there..." Trust old fatso to take Ringo's comment as a personal challenge. But then with Prescott's massive inferiority complex - let's face it he is inferior - you'd expect such a knee jerk reaction from this jerk. Truth is its all part of the next Labour party pull-the-wool-over-the-voters-eyes plan for the next election when they'll be able to make more wild claims and fool all the Labour voters all of the time as they did in this last election when they wouldn't allow journalists to ask them questions they knew they couldn't answer. P.S. During the second world war, inferior little men
rose through the Nazi party to become aggressive cold, tin pot officials
then thugs and butchers. Now there's a thought we all should bear in
mind. |
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| May 25th 2005 | |
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SINN FEIN SELL BUG ON EBAY...
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 Tony Blair's crystal radio |
...or rather they didn't. They tried but eBay who have strict policy on certain items, removed the alleged MI5 bug and signed letter from Gerry Adams authenticating the device. They said it was a clumsy attempt at censorship but anyone who's sold on eBay will know that they regulate the site rigidly and any number of chance eBayers may have reported them. They'd know this if they'd done their homework, which of course they didn't. Still that's one down and... well how many more to go. At least they found the one they were supposed to find. That just leaves several dozen more they won't find as they probably aren't in the building. Honestly guys don't you ever go to the movies? |
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Look, you've all got it wrong anyway.
This wasn't a listening device for the secret service. It was put there
by one of Alistaire Campbell's Labour party cronies to help Blair and
Brown rig the election. They just wanted to know which way you were
going to vote Gerry.
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| May 23rd 2005 | |
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TEACH?
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(Cue uplifting music) They can be cheeky, they can be naughty, they can ask endless questions. They are better than any anti ageing creme and they have endless energy. They are never dull and they tend to think what they want to think.... They can also be aggressive, cruel bullies, posturing
know-all cowards who can't and wont be told anything and don't like
to be told what to do, because in their arrogance they think they know
better. They gang up on teachers and quieter hard working pupils threatening
them with violence, mugging smaller kids for their bus fairs and lunch
money, thugs who demand as a right, unconditional repec' (even though
they can't yet spell the word - let alone pronounce it - correctly).
They can deal drugs to younger kids and get them involved in a dangerous
subculture of crime and violence, graffiti and protection racketeering
before they know how to wipe their arses..... and the government want
YOU to teach them! Even though they hold all the cards with little
or no punishment, no protection, no prosecution to speak of and no voice;
and in this Britain no physical defence is permitted against either
them or their violent, deranged, psychotic parents. |
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| May 17th 2005 | |
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METEORITE COULD HIT CHESHIRE
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Cheshire is in danger of being erased from the map. It's just possible that a meteor could hit the county and if it landed on Wilmslow it would wipe out an entire species of nouveau riche taking out an area as far west as Warrington and as far east as some other part of Cheshire. That would be an immense disaster on an enormous scale. Estee Lauder and Boots are worried about the implications. Said a spokesman for Boots, "We sell make-up in bulk here, it would mean a huge loss of revenue. Women here don't use the lavatory unless they've put on make-up first. Look, this is a very popular make-up trowel with footballers wives. Colleen McLoughlin uses one of these yuh nah!" A spokeswoman for Estee Lauder said, "Haw-hee-haw-hee-haw." We asked the man in the street what they thought of the threat, or in this case a woman wearing a Barbour who homed in on me, "....well it would be a terrible thing, though some of the hoy palloy might not be a great loss to the nation (she mouthed something silently but we didn't get it, we think it was something about an ethnic group)..." |
| "...I could do with a break
from cleaning all the lavatories in all the houses we own, we have several,
phew I tell you I never stop, its hard work believe me, and what with
that and all the other areas I'm involved with, church, flower arranging,
coffee mornings, well it would be a nice rest. Next week I'm being crucified
for charity, to raise awareness for some needy bunch or whatever. Look,
we'd just move one of our houses a bit further away to avoid the blast.
Sometimes I wonder how we manage to afford it. Then I remember, we're
loaded. Did I tell you we have several houses.... all those lavatories
to clean... you don't know the half of it, anyway got to go, very busy,
very busy, work, work, work!" Obviously people in Cheshire will be watching the skies intently. Of course it might miss altogether... we can but hope!? |
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| May 13th 2005 | |
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WHY ALL THE FUSS - IT'S JUST A BUSINESS!
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 Billionaire Heartthrob Malcolm Glazer (Anybody's a heartthrob with a billion) |
Malcolm Glazer, billionaire US businessman is about to throw a very large rock into the Manchester United football pool by completing a £790 million deal which will give him control of the club. Then when he's got it, he plans to transport it over to America brick by brick and reassemble it in the Arizona dessert next to London Bridge. Of course he'll need to dismantle Alex Ferguson too and transport him over there (in a very large whiskey bottle perhaps). Wayne Rooney as an ambassador of the UK will fly the flag by showing the Americans the finer points of his skill and technique. They'll be treated the magnificence of his dress sense, his smooth and sophisticated way with women and they will marvel at his skill in swearing with just about every other word. |
| Getting to the pitch will be a
bit of a trek. First you take the bus... to Manchester airport then a
quick drunken flight to Arizona where as tradition dictates, drunken British
fans will abuse the airline staff, threaten the pilot and puke in the
aisles. On their arrival the traditional jailing of drunken British "Sports"
fans dressed in Manchester United tracksuits, baseball hats and scarves
will take place followed by their eventual release and the usual press
conferences where they plead their innocence, despite being filmed dropping
their trousers and peeing in public whilst mouthing off to all who challenge
them. Once more the honour of Britain will be trumpeted abroad and our
fame will spread. Of course there is one other scenario that could occur.
Mr Glazer might discover he's bought "The Wrong Bridge"
(American millionaire Robert McCulloch bought London bridge thinking it
was Tower Bridge. He still set it up in Arizona however) Now wouldn't
it be funny if he thought he'd bought Manchester United and instead he'd
bought Manchester City?! I think you'd better check and make certain old
boy. |
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| May 10th 2005 | |
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MEET BECKY - ASDA MUM IN A MILLION
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 ASDA mum in a million |
This is Becky Smith, ASDA mum in a million. There's nothing she likes better than a good belt. That means a trolley load of booze from ASDA's incredible range of beers and liquors. With three demanding children and a hubby inside, you'd think she'd be run off her feet, cooking and cleaning the house, bathing the four year old and making sure that her brood are well cared for. Not a bit of it. She likes to get off her face daily leaving the kids to fend for themselves and can knock back a dozen brewskies before breakfast. She has a busy family. Her eldest son Darren is always in a hurry to meet his chav mates and go off somewhere intimidating people. Meanwhile her daughter Kylie who's a grown up thirteen is just about to drop her first baby. The youngest, Naomi who at four still looks nothing like her father, who isn't from the Caribbean by way, has already learnt to be patient. |
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And with her hubby inside for fencing stolen goods
- from the ASDA homecare range, Becky needn't worry about his whereabouts.
Meanwhile thanks to ASDAs wonderful range of products which you don't
have to prepare from the heat and serve pre-masticated range which saves
on skill and chewing, the kids can open the packets and feed themselves,
which is just as well as Becky would burn a pan of boiling water. This
then frees her time up so she can attend meetings of the AA (Alcoholics
Anonymous) ... when she's sober and remembers, and gives her more leisure
time, essential in her busy world of boozing and puking. ASDA... for
life's little essentials! |
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| 9th May 2005 | |
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STAR WARS EPISODE III - Revenge of the party
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 Tony-Wan Kenobi |
Meanwhile in a corridor in the
Palace of Westminster, far far from the cafeteria, Tony-Wan Kenobi meets
with the faithful companion of Han Solo, Chewanything who recounts tales
of distrust and dissension amongst the backbenchers of the new parliament.
Unfortunately, he can't understand a word he's saying but nods and smiles
and wrings his hands relentlessly. However, later, some time after Chewanything
has gone off to look for pies or dead meat to eat, something slithers
up to him and it turns out to be close ally, Mandleson the slug. "We must be careful, there are rumblings a foot." "Yes I feel it too." says Tony-Wan, "....feel it, how could you miss it?" says Mandleson. "Sorry, but I'm anxious." " I don't blame you mate, they're all out to get you.....later." Mandleson slithers away into the dark recesses in the meantime Obi-Wan pops into the storm troopers pooper room to check his light weapon. |
 Chewanything - don't mention Wookie Hole |
Chewanything has meanwhile just finished working his way through the hide of a Liberal that was napping in a gallery. No one will miss him. He is wiping his hairy face when he hears a noise. It turns out to be him so that's alright. Right now he's an ally of Tony-Wan's but he's far from loyal and will go where he is best fed. For now he moves cautiously knowing that at any second he could come face to face with the Glenda Jackson, an ugly creature from deep space, boy would he like to stick one on her and suck out her brain, yum! But, he reflects, it seems that all they fought for may soon be lost, junkets, Jaguar cars, and ministerial privileges. His mind wanders back to where the next snack is coming from and for now it is forgotten as hunger sets in. He goes in search of a Kilroy. There must be a dead one decaying somewhere. |
 Chancellor Gordon from Naboo |
Meanwhile Chancellor Gordon from the planet Naboo - you can't miss it it's right next door to the planet 10 in the Downing Street galaxy - he has assumed his true identity, that of the evil Sith he's been hiding from view for so long and his plans to be emperor are greatly advanced. He intends to destroy all rebels and particularly his nemesis Tony-Wan before episode IV if he can manage it using the leader of his armies Darth Cook, a small tit with a beard and a big shiny helmet... apparently. However he faces Tony-Wan's allies Luke Skybeckett and Yoda from the planet Campbell in the Dagobah system, not to mention two persistent droids, one looks like a stylish waste bin the other a gilded gay liberation shop dummy and a handful of survivors dressed in dungarees from the dying planet called New Labour. |
| May 7th 2005 | |
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TONY LOVE IT'S TIME TO GO
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Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee, Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee,
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| Election Day After | |
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May 6th 2005
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BIG EARS AND SATCHEL MOUTH BACK
IN No.10
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"Calm down dear, its only an election!" I hear you say. Yes and what does that mean exactly. Well it means we all have a jolly good rant at why we need change and what we think that change should be and then you realise, there's nothing to choose from. On the one hand, there's old big ears Tony Bliar (not a spelling error) who will promise us the shirt on his back in a radio broadcast only to find out that he wasn't wearing one later. |
| Then there's the leering Howard
who despite a good fight had no real focus in his campaign and was again
blind to some of the individuals in his party like that idiot in Arundel
who upset the cart and bloody Oliver Letwin, for god's sake get rid of
him if you want credence the man looks shifty on camera like a comic doing
a bad turn. He'd be great in Have I Got News For You but no matter how
good he is he looks wrong and will always look wrong, no gravitas, know
wot I mean Guv'. Then there's good old Jack Kennedy, no Nigel Kennedy,
no sorry, George Kennedy, oh heck no well I can't remember what his christian
name is, he's a Kennedy anyway and runs the orange party, the Liberals,
that's right (or rather left... of Labour) If the Liberals want to do
better than they did it's time they put old Kennedy out to grass and found
a more businesslike leader. Honestly, there's only Blair isn't there against
the colonel blimp mentality of the Conservative party or boozy wotsisname.
Still at least there'll be old mega promise to give us humorists - if
that what you can call us, (nah nah nah nah nah, got it in first). And
frankly if the treacherous Galloway can get elected, then next time Saddam
Hussein should stand for Bermondsey, I'd say he was in with a chance.
What do you think? |
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| Election Day | |
| May 5th 2005 | |
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TONY WRITES TO THE MIRROR
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 Click letter to view |
Dear Marge I've been in office now for seven years. The thing is its really great being in charge because once you're in you can say anything you like and your word is almost as good as law. Well perhaps not quite but you can get away with heaps of stuff, like Iraq etc. So on that basis I've drafted a letter which I'd like you to put in your paper for me. It'll make me look, honest and genuine, a man of the people and like the really decent thoughtful guy I want people to believe I am, well if I can't pull that off no one can, I am a barrister after all and know how to play the sympathy angle, 'been doing it now for seven years. Now look, I've made all these promises, well you've heard most of them before, my stock in trade. What I want to know is, when I'm back in No.10, if I don't sort of manage to do most of the things I'm pledging, like the last time, d'you think I'll be able to fool people into re-electing me a fourth time? Dear Tony I would think so! Love Marge |
| Election Day | |
| May 5th 2005 | |
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ELECTION 2005 - TONY BLAIR LIKELY
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So we sent out our roving reporter to get voter reaction. We buttonholed a young overweight teenager clutching a cheese burger "Can I ask you a few questions about voting." |
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a floating voter?" "I can swim if that's wot yer mean. I always pee in the pool. when I go swimmin'. Funny init?" "No I mean, are you one of the undecided, do you make up your mind at the last minute or are you one of those who is decided from the word go." "Oh 'see wot yer mean. I dunno. Spect I make up my mind at the end like." "What sort of things influence your decision?" "I durnt no. Anyfink reely," takes mouthful of burger, scrunches up paper wrapper and about to throw on floor. "There's a bin just there." says our man. "Oh taa." says girl. Throws paper and misses bin. Our man picks it up and puts it in bin. Girl shrugs. "Do you have any political views." Girl frowns a moment, then thinks for a few seconds. "Naaarh, not reely. 'ere, you from Channel 4 then." "No, Bullshit News. We're just getting some opinions about the election. D'you think Tony Blair will get in easily." " oo's Tony Blair. Is he a house mate? 'ere There isn't a Big Brother at the moment. Wots your game." crams the last of her burger in her mouth and waddles off. |
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| Election Day | |
| May 4th 2005 | |
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AN ELECTION BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF TONY BLAIR
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 Alan Sugar in sickly saccharine commercial for Labour |
Tony Blair enlisted one of his cronies to fight his battles for him in his Labour Party election broadcast tonight. Well that's nothing new, he's had the British army fighting his battles in Iraq for the last year or so and they're still there. "Look, I took a decision...." yes Tone, the wrong one. Anyway that aside, it is intriguing to see Alan Sugar the wealthiest spiv businessman in Britain making the case for the Labour party. For years no self respecting hi fi enthusiast could mention the name Amstrad, Sugar's company without gales of laughter. "AMSTRAD! You must be joking." For years their tackily constructed electronic junk was foisted on the British public as a cheap alternative to the Japanese and German and Scandinavian precision equipment. People bought it in good faith because it was cheap. And how but it was crap. |
| Then came the little computer with the green text. Somehow, the Brits bought that too. It also was a nasty imitation of others quality products but... it was cheap, and made Alan Sugar a rich man. Now he wants to sell us another cheap tacky line, the one about Tony Blair and co being best for the country. Would you really buy a used politician from this man, this aggressive, self opinionated, self satisfied, pugilistic barrow boy. Think On. | |
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As for the party political broadcast,
an American political commentator and observer on Newsnight took one look
at the broadcast and said, "...I thought they were going to say that
voting for the Conservatives would result in more dust..." In other
words a vote for the Conservatives would bring pestilence and disease
and famine. These are Republican scare tactics that they have used in
America to make the public suspect a terrorist under every bed, so that
Bush can play the great protector. Blair is now doing the same thing here
to get re-elected demonising the other parties with all his energy. Is
there nothing this man wont stoop to. |
| Yes its true that during the last Conservative government, interest rates did go as high as 15% in the 80s but by the nineties they were well down (<see image) and their policies were setting a trend that the Labour party had the benefit of when they came to power in 1997. Don't believe it ClickMe | |
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Well who knows what a Conservative government would bring, fire, flood, war, death and dangerous hospitals. Hang on! Haven't we just had all that with the last seven years of Labour. We've lost MG Rover, Marconi are on the way out and how many others. When will industry get what it needs huh Tony. Tax breaks for development mate. Britain needs to put money into its technology otherwise as James Dyson pointed out, we will have no significant manufacturing left in this country worth a light in twenty years - except bloody Amstrad probably. One thing's sure, vote Labour and more companies will go under... |
| ... until the next election when Prime Minister Gordon Brown will be running around like a headless chicken publicly propping up the big ones for PR reasons and to hang on to votes. Ooh! Deja Vu! | |
| May 2nd 2005 | |
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PRINCE NAZEEM HAMED RUNS AWAY FROM HAMMERED MERCEDES
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 McLaren Mercedes with Prince Nazeem Hamed makeover |
"So yeah, the minute me get the money right, I gotta mek sure everybody knows wot a big willie I got - well I ain't reely but see like the car wos to mek them think I's got one the size of a python cos when 'am sitting at the wheel then everyone can see wot a big bloke I am and the bling and I pull birds and that, wiv me car cos I ain't much to look at if you get me drift and that's off the CD, like off the record yeah. Know wot I men? Anyway wos out wiv a couple of me mates like showin' 'em how fablous I am behind the wheel - cos I got such low self worth I 'ave to pump it up a bit by drivin' a big 'spensiv' car, know wot I mean? Yeah well I'm like fablous man, I'm the best an' so people know an that, I get this McLaren Mercedes see 'cos it like ses famous geezer right... an' willie extension?" |
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"Nah the fing is I'm so special like I spend a
lot of o' time checkin' out to see who's eyeballing me as I'm driving
along right, 'cos I like to see the reaction of people when they know
it's me an that, Prince Naseem Hamed 'cos like I'm famous and very brilliant
an 'that... the great Prince Naseem Hamed!"
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| May 2nd 2005 | |
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LET'S SEE WHAT'S BEHIND.... THE BLUE DOOR SHALL
WE
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Once upon a time, there was a handsome
prince named Tony. Tony had a smile that lit up his palace in Westminster,
particularly when the light caught his very many teeth. Tony lived in
special quarters called No.10 with his princess who was called Cherie.
Cherie had a mouth you could park a van in - sideways. They had many
children which they kept out of the public eye - except at moments of
excellent photo opportunity. Then they would be trotted out which was
particularly useful when Tony needed to project a family man image.
Next door at No.11 lived a big bad wolf called Gordon. Gordon had been
huffing and puffing for years but still hadn't blown Tony's house down.
However about the time of the election, things began to look shaky in
the prince's realm and it was assumed that very soon, Gordon would be
wearing the prince's ring. Prince Tony was determined that shouldn't
happen but no matter what he did, he couldn't shake off the Wolf or
a bad case of Iraqi indigestion which had plagued him for months and
months.
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| What you need is an election,
said Prescott, his talking Rottweiler. So that's just what Prince Tony
decided he should do. No sooner was the election under way than Tony or
Tone as his mates called him, got an attack of nerves. This led to a worse
attack of Iraqi indigestion than he'd ever known before. Very soon he
was making claim after claim - just like before so no one believed him
- and spending much more time trying to terrify the population into fearing
terrible Conservative and Liberal demons (though the Liberal demon wasn't
terribly dangerous) If you embrace the Liberal demon, beware the Conservative
demon creeping in through the back door. The people were terrible afraid.
But they were not as afraid of the Conservative demon getting in through
the back door as they were of another terrible demon under whose spell
they had been for over seven years. This was the Labour demon who though
he was wounded from previous skirmishes was in danger of getting in through
the cat flap. The moral of this story is, be careful what you wish for,
you might just get it, for another four years. |
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| May 2nd 2005 | |
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WAYNE ROONEY DROPPED AS ROLE MODEL
- SHOCKING!!!
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 Wayne Rooney and Colleen dress sense from Man at Chav |
We hear that Wayne Rooney has been dropped from a children's training event he was due to attend next week. The event in question is the English Schools Football Association tournament at Middlesbrough FC's Riverside Stadium. Frankly we were shocked, shocked to the core. It seems incredible and we can't understand it. Alright he uses the F word ("fuck" that is) as a substitute for words he hasn't learnt. True, there are a lot of words he has yet to learn, and you can't condemn him for dress sense or taste or manners or the way he treats his girlfriend or his podgy physique or his liking for burgers or anything... except his football... and you can't criticise him for that because he's a good footballer. I guess we just can't criticise Wayne Rooney at all. Maybe there's a law against it. So what's the problem F.A.? Don't you want all those little aspiring schoolboy footballers to grow up like Wayne Rooney then, swearing and cursing and posturing like their hero? Isn't that a bit like shutting the stable door etc.. All the ones we've seen, swear like dockers, mouth off, pee and spit in public and when they get a bit older pick fights in clubs and restaurants and bars and spend their spare time suing the press for reporting their behaviour. |
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With the odd exceptions who are articulate and become sports journalists after their sporting careers, the majority of these guys are just talented footballers (not rocket scientists or doctors or teachers or anything requiring a brain) with money. It's like giving a monkey a loaded gun. Very soon when he's fired off a couple of shots he's going to realise that he's got the power. It still doesn't give him a brain or sense of right and wrong or strong moral values! Only good parenting and education would have succeeded in that. The Wayne Rooney Alphabet |
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