| NOVEMBER 2005 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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IN BRIEF : The leaders of all parties are united on the issue of prostrate cancer. Well its good to know they agree on something. Ironic that it should be on a matter that involves the index finger playing an important role other than the wagging at each other across the house! A finger of fudge is just enough until it's time to vote! Apparently! |
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| OPINION - Bernard Gusset Rants - The Rant Page | |
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Previous
Month's
Front Page
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| November 5th 2005 | |
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CHARLES AND CAMILLA SIGHTSEEING IN NEW ORLEANS
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 Have you booked your Kuoni tour of New Orleans? |
What a wonderful lift it must have given the poor and dispossessed of New Orleans, the homeless survivors of hurricane Katrina to see the well fed and well dressed Charles and Camilla in their midst. They must have been thrilled by their walk about. Oh there's nothing that makes you feel more warm and fuzzy inside than a couple of Royals - who ever they are - from a distant land jetting in to say how sorry they were that things were so tough and how they wish they could do more. However, pressing PR work was dragging them away from the destruction and smell of rotting remains so it was just a fleeting stop. No doubt as the locals watched them fly off into the distance their spirits were lifted that at least they had come. |
| November 2nd 2005 | |
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BULLSHIT NEWS BRITISHNESS TEST
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In view of the Britishness test being asked of would be British citizens, the questions of which made locals scratch their heads, we thought we'd put our own casual test forward to give those wishing for British citizenship a bit more of a chance. 1. On a Friday Night would you...
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2. Concerning your home, if you were in council accommodation
would you... 3. Do you spit... 4. Your children at school.... 5. Politics : You see John Prescott on TV These have been just a few questions to test your knowledge and spirit. The answers were all (c) though on question 5, any one would have sufficed. |
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| November 1st 2005 | |
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THERE'S NONE SO BLIND....
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 David Plonker |
...as those who will not see! Okay so I apologise for the awful irony but the truth is that Blunkett is now stating that he didn't know he was supposed to run his appointment with DNA Bioscience and purchase of shares past the Independent Advisory Committee on Business Appointments. He received several letters advising him to do so but chose to ignore them and is now pleading ignorance. What makes that fascinating for those of us without ministerial privilege is that as anyone who has pleaded ignorance of the law will know, ignorance of the law is no excuse. Surely the same principle applies here. Saying that someone told him disclosure was voluntary is no excuse either. He had a duty to make thorough enquiries so that there was no possibility of confusion or incorrect procedure, the way we ordinary folks have to. |
| It's no use saying, "I thought it was okay to press the button..." after the bomb has gone off, you must have the authority. Sorry David but you're a liability and its time to retire and write your memoirs. Though that should be a riveting read with plenty of sex and violets. | |
| November 1st 2005 | |
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DINOSAURS ROAM THE STREETS OF NEW YORK
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 The Pearly king and queen |
Yes it's true, there are dinosaurs in New York even as we write. Charles and Camilla have arrived (They came in fancy dress, see left) and will be visiting ground zero, which should come as great comfort to the Americans who lost their loved ones in the 2001 9/11 tragedy. Also whilst in the USA the couple will be visiting the Whitehouse where they will dine with the President and his family and entourage - whilst they still can - and Charles will no doubt be giving them the benefit of his homespun philosophy on global warming. Well they could do with a laugh right now, as things aren't as hunky dory as they once were at the big house. Later Charles plans to address a whole field of Chrysanthemums on the rights and wrongs of love and honour and duty. If they get the chance they hope to be able to drive past the vast numbers of homeless Americans without stopping. |
| November 1st 2005 | |
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RUPERT THE BLEAAAGH!
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 Rupert The Bear and The new Dude |
It's like those two saggy breasted, old horse faced style clowns Trinny and Suzanna got their hands on him. Poor Rupert has been reduced to a caricature of himself, which considering he's a drawing to start with is pretty ironic, not to say ludicrous! The drawing has reduced him from smart, intelligent and inquisitive boy-bear, to dumbed down, vacant expressioned, infant who no doubt loves burgers and chocolate and would fit happily advertising sugar reduced Sugar Puffs yeuch!. No doubt he will be advertising any junk they can throw at him that will make couch potato kids rush out and spend spend spend. God don't you just hate it when they fix things that aren't broke'. It's like the guys at Disney saying.... "Hey what Mickey needs is a penis guys and lets give him smaller ears or kids with big ears will sue us." |
 The magic of Rupert that was |
Well it could happen. Rupert now sports red trainers and a brown nose (we can guess where that's been). He no doubt drops E on a Friday night and binge drinks with Pong Ping and Edward Trunk down the Woodchoppers arms in Nutwood until they all puke up in the early hours of the morning. Remember what Disney did when they got hold of A.A.Milne's classic Winnie the Pooh. They put Christopher Robin in baseball trainers, a sweatshirt, gave him an American accent then teamed him and Pooh up with a character called Crud "The Dust Monster". Good grief, is nothing sacred. Before you know it Harry Potter will be having a threesome behind the bike sheds with Hermione and Ron whilst dropping acid and growing a moustache and leaping into his Ferrari to go clubbing. Bring back childhood! |
| November 1st 2005 | |
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A LITTLE PRICK WORTH MILLIONS
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 One small prick for man, a giant prick for mankind. |
Yes a small prick is all it takes. The needle like proboscis of a mosquito scything through the upper layers of your skin tissue makes very little noise and is barely noticeable but the consequences can be life threatening and at the very least miserable. Bill Gates, computer nerd and all round good guy has the money to do something about it. That's why he's chucking his loose change at a scheme to help eradicate Malaria. His $258 million will go a long way to funding world-wide research into a health issue that has killed millions of children and adults in the 3rd world. Now if you can also come up with a scheme to help us in the UK, stop binge drinking scumbags from infesting our cities and towns. Perhaps they transport them to the 3rd world for a dose of reality. Hey Gordon Brown, you love coming up with new taxes, why not put a huge tax on night clubs and bars who turn these dead head yobs out on to our streets. Then there might be a bit of in-house policing instead of a lack of responsibility by greedy landlords. |
| November 1st 2005 | |
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BOOZERS ARE LOSERS!
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Or would be if the government
got their way. Yes in the time honoured tradition of New Labour, the knee
jerk is a live and jerking. Quick solutions to a long standing problem,
that of drinking and hooliganism. 'Now let's see. We can't upset the electorate - and by electorate we mean some of those drunks who might vote for us - we mustn't punish them or we might lose their vote! So what do we do? We bring in legislation that will affect the whole population, law abiding and others, so that we look like we're making good policy for the benefit of the voter's health. That way we penalise everyone at once - except for the binge drinkers who wont take any notice of course - and it looks like a government directive in the interest of public health. Marvellous. |
| Then we can point that out at election time to win more votes. Excellent!' And as long as we don't ban smoking all together, we'll hang on to their vote too. 'Hey here's another great idea chaps. Remember how a few years ago, to beat the joy riders - kids stealing cars and hammering them until they crashed or set fire to them on waste ground - they set up clubs where convicted joyriders could go to work on cars and bikes and race them round dirt tracks at the expense of the tax payer (that taught them a valuable lesson hey?). Well why not set up clubs where convicted drunks can go to... yes you guessed it... to drink themselves into oblivion under supervision. What better way of using tax payers money. The clubs could have loud music and be completely tiled so that drunk teenagers could drink and puke and pee wherever they liked, and afterwards, they could sluice the area down and start again. Brilliant. All that requires now is someone like John Prescott to propose it! Lets not punish the cancer of British yob culture, good lord no. Lets give them more of what they want, for they are tomorrow's voters! | |
