| OCTOBER 2005 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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IN BRIEF : The Conservative party are nearing the moment when they will choose a leader to fight the next general election. Sadly David Davies looks the part but as a speaker is as absorbable as a terracotta suppository. David Cameron refused to answer the question, "...have you ever done hard drugs..." which probably means "...yes I've been off my face many times..." What the Conservatives need is someone who looks as solid as David Davies, is as immovable as Kenneth Clarke and with the oratory skills of William Haig. Mmmm, sounds like we're stuck with Tony Blair again! |
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| OPINION - Bernard Gusset Rants - The Rant Page | |
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Previous
Month's
Front Page
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| October 16th 2005 | |
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RUSSIAN NUCLEAR TECHNOLOGY AIDS IRAN
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 Vlad The Implorer |
Seems there is now a problem with Iran who are so desperate to get their hands on nuclear energy. Why is that, what with all the vast reserves of oil they possess? The west isn't happy and naturally so as Iran is not the most politically reliable nation on the planet. In a land where democracy is something only we poor oppressed westerners practice, it seems a dangerous idea to drop the most powerful and destructive technology into the lap of those who would consort with brainwashed terrorists and suicidal loonies, yet Mr Putin, President of Russia, seems to think it a good idea insisting that he sees no problem with such a notion. Hey Vlad, if you think you've got trouble with Chechnya now, just wait until nuclear technology is handed to them through back door by some religious crazies wanting to annihilate everyone on the planet. |
| October 16th 2005 | |
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MAINLINING POLITICIANS
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Hey, like it's heavy man. I mean, what's all the fuss? This David Cameron dude (left) is taking the flak right, over something he may or may not have done when he was a spotty youth. Like, so what's the deal? Who cares what he did 20 years ago. He didn't kill anyone, or rape anyone or cheat on his taxes - though these days you need to just to get by. Y'know, he like, might have done a little dope and stuff. So what, that was then this is now. Like the house of Commons is filled with drink swilling winos. So where's the problem. |
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Now take Tony Blair. Here's this guy right, (left) who with George Walker Bush killed thousands of Iraqis and got his own countrymen wasted for some US cause over oil, big business and revenge and no one's asking, what drugs did you take. Hey I mean at university the guy was in a band, grew his hair down to his teeth - and beyond. You're not telling me he wasn't dropping weed. And hey check out the bow tie man... not cool "Toblerone", not cool at all. But hey, who knows... what was my point...? |
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Then there's Johnny boy Prescott, the Labour heavyweight diplomat. Now there's a guys thinks nothing of mainlining pies and lard and stuff. Throwing punches and stuff. The guy bought two Jags. Did he not know he'd already got one? What was he on. Don't tell me he was straight, no way pal. Hey by comparison, the Cameron dude looks as solid a a house brick. Get my drift? Heavy man. I gotta get some sleep, what day is it? |
| October 12th 2005 | |
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WENSLEYDALE CHEESE LOVER TOASTED
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 Could this be the arsonist sought by the police, captured here on the fire department's own video! |
A massive fire has destroyed the warehouse used to store the sets and characters of the much loved Wallace and Gromit stable belonging to Aardman, the company that created the range of popular characters. Nick Park one of the directors of the company says that compared to the troubles in Pakistan and around the world it is nothing. However, it is a very sad incident wiping out most of the Aardman history taking with it characters and sets so familiar in films such as "The Wrong Trousers". Police are looking into the causes of the fire and want to interview a rodent like character seen near the premises at the time of the fire. They he's short, wearing bright red shorts with ridiculous buttons, very large yellow shoes, has a an annoyingly cheery disposition that makes you want to slap him upside his head, as though he's on some kind of drugs or uppers or whatever. Oh yes and he has two very large ears, like frying pans that never move, not even when his head is in profile. |
| October 9th 2005 | |
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ANOTHER BRITISH SPACE TRIUMPH
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 Not John Prescotts's wife |
First we lost one; then another. The Beagle
has landed - on Mars - and buggered off somewhere on its own, probably
mumbling to itself... "I'm just too depressed.. I thought the
weather would be better... I miss being wheeled around in that supermarket
trolley, I was happy then, why is this happening to me... where am I?"
And now the Cryosat has made an undignified plunge (a pike with a half
twist tariff 1.7) into the depths of the ocean after a failed launch.
The British space programme seems to be right on target in line with the
budget - 3/6d and orange juice and a packet of Nibbits. Sad about the Cryosat (seen left) modelled on Jordan presumably with two wonderful hooters and not much else. The technicians probably let forth a volley of angst and pain along the lines of "...whoops! Oh deary deary me, tut tut..." and other foul mouthed language. Next they plan to launch a sophisticated probe for measuring just how dumbed down British society is by the amount of junk TV it watches. It will be built in a garden shed (to the highest of specifications of course, given the budget and huge government subsidies of one shilling and sixpence) and be transported in the basket of a butchers bike to its launch site - the car park at the Millennium Dome might do it's not doing much - where a lad with a huge rocket (left over from Bonfire night) will attempt to launch it into orbit. That's if he can be bothered. |
| October 4th 2005 | |
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MOVIES DEPICT TOO MUCH SEX AND IRRESPONSIBILITY
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 Still from "Elderly lady on treadmill" New riveting movie about a woman who manages to get out of a wheelchair and walk on a treadmill, doesn't smoke, drink or have sex. 102 mins (Warning, no car chases) |
"Popular movies depict sex and
drug use irresponsibly, a study of the top 200 films of the last 20 years
suggests..." - Royal Society of Medicine. Yeah you see the point of a movie is to try to depict drama or moments of drama at least and then... sell seats in the process! Wow, rocket science! They tried a two hour movie about a pensioner who sits around in her retirement home who one days gets an idea, gets all excited about it and then finally loses interest and decides to watch Coronation Street instead, but it didn't pull in the crowds. But the gist of what Royal Society of Medicine is saying is that during a sex scene, we should see the macho lover halting things mid-passion so to speak,and saying perhaps, "...hang on whilst I slip one of these little rubber jobbies on..." brief pause whilst he struggles with the wrapper, drops the rubber, picks it up, tries to slip it on though by now his ardour is not 'ard enough, at which point he turns to his love interest who's lying there yawning, thumbing through Cosmo' and says, "...hey let's watch a video instead. Got anything with no car chases, no sex and no people smoking... as in real life?" Like that's going to pull in the punters, Jeeeez! So what is your point? |
| October 2nd 2005 | |
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TORIES CRANK UP THE LOTTERY FOR LEADER
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 It could be you! Yaaawn! |
Yes indeed and here (left) are some of the front runners easily recognisable, there's Ken Clarke, portly and jazz loving, David Davies these days all cuddlywuddly and lovely, the front runner with the winning smile, and hidden policies I bet, there's... mmmm er, well those four on the bottom row, the guy on the right looks familiar, wasn't he in Colditz in the 70s, there's Claire Rayner there, looks like her, and next to her some blue eyed Aryan with blonde hair and a goose in his stride. Another bloke on the left to balance up the picture. Look lets be honest, most people would only recognise Ken Clarke and David Davies and only if they tripped over them, the others wouldn't get mobbed by the masses if they were naked and standing next to Beyonce. Ugh what a thought! Frankly the whole thing's going to be a fiasco. They just haven't got the patina of winner on any of them. |
 Ve haff vays of making you vote! |
One of the contenders? Edward Leigh has far right policies, blue eyes, blonde hair and Aryan bearing. Hobbies may include listening to Wagner, hikng in Poland and wearing Lederhosen. Favourite colours black red and white. Favourite past times, going to party rallies. Will probably be seen goosestepping his way to the podium at this weeks Conservative Party rally to deliver his views. Will stop short at pointing to the toilets just in case he's misunderstood by the far right of the party. We wouldn't want to lose another election - though hopes aren't high at this stage. |
