| SEPTEMBER 2005 | |
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Bullshit News - the best bullshit satire
and fun on the net
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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... as and when)
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IN BRIEF : Schools have been told by the government that they must put healthy foods in vending machines or else risk being fined... and their head masters marched off for a spell in the Gulags. Meanwhile kids will saunter off to fish and chip shops and McDonald's and buy their sweet drinks from the local shops. Yeah that should work! Arrest the parents for letting them get into these life threatening habits in the first place! |
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| OPINION - Bernard Gusset Rants - The Rant Page | |
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Previous Month's
Front Page
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| Sorry about the lack of items this month, been a bit busy | |
| September 29th 2005 | |
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TERRORIST
AT LABOUR CONFERENCE
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 "Get out you evil dangerous bastard!" |
A dangerous threat to the nation was ejected from the Labour Party Conference yesterday. It was no laughing matter. The octogenarian Walter Wolfgang shook the very core of the conference to its foundations in the middle of a speech by Jack Straw who was about the first to utter any reference to the war in in Iraq. This serious threat to the nation Wolfgang - a survivor of the nazi holocaust - said.... wait for it.... "Nonsense" right in the middle of Jack Straw's speech. Oh no I hear you cry. Will we ever recover. It took two bouncers - on secondment from the front door of some sleazy night club - to remove him. The nation was saved. |
 Tony sings whilst bouncers fling |
Meanwhile Tony Blair entertained the masses by farting the national anthem, tonguing Cherie before the ecstatic crowds, then finishing up with a selection of songs some from Broadway musicals (see left) the big favourites being "Hey Big Spender" - applauded loudly by Gordon Brown which woke John Prescott from a slumber and a dream about being chased by pork pies, naked through the corridors of power. Later they adjourned to a private room to see if they had hushed up the frog marching of Walter Wolfgang enough to be able to take him into a dark alley at midnight and kick the shit out of him which they would then blame on the Tories and Liberals jointly. Sadly it was all too well documented. How many roads must a man walk down, before we get a new government. This one's turning nasty! |
| September 21st 2005 | |
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MOSS GOES BETTER WITH COKE
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 Kate's Obsession with Coke |
Pushing the self-destruct button
with both hands and feet, super model Kate Moss seems to be diving into
the obligatory superstar abyss. With everything to live for, particularly
her child Lila, first she pairs up with yawningly dull - and if the Live
8 concert is to be believed - tone deaf Pete Doherty, junkie wunderkind
as some press would have us believe. Talk about asking for it. Now she's
been snapped shoving powder up her nose, and it isn't Rimmel's Silky Loose
Face Powder either. It's more Escobar's Nasal Belt "Light's
you up like a $1000 hooker!" Poor old Kate, got everything but still
can't face the world cold turkey. "But it's such fun..." I bet
she'd protest. Yeah right. It must be great fun for her daughter to watch,
to see her mommy rolling a £50 note and sniffing dust so that she
ends up with a permanent sniff, paranoia and a twitch, "Hey man what's
happenin' on the catwalk?" Great stuff! Sadly she was on the right track when she ditched Doherty on family advice but guess what, "....I just can't help going back to him." |
| Yeah a sweaty drooling word slurring moron must be a real pull. Still little Lila will just have to learn to cope... so will Kate if sponsors and clients keep pulling out at their present rate! She could become symbol of Homepride I guess. She'd look good in black with a bowler hat, saying "Graded grains make finer flour!" | |
| September 20th 2005 | |
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JERRY SPRINGER - THE OPERA, GOES NATIONAL
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 David Soul as Jerry Springer |
Well its good news for all you
religious nuts out there, Jerry Springer the Opera will be coming to a
theatre near you - - soon! Yes all the loonies will be queuing up to picket
theatres so that they can stop this show, play, fable call it what you
will from being enacted. They'll be out there skipping and dancing and
chanting trying to outdo each other to prove how holy they are not letting
on the murder they would like to do to the cast. God's watching you! Of
course the word hypocrite wont even cross their closed minds. Of course
their ideal is to get acceptance of their view without any cross argument,
which is why they want to stop the show. "Just believe us when we
tell you you shouldn't see this... even though we haven't seen it either." |
| The show is essentially a group of talented but ordinary jobbing actors, just people in fact getting together to recite words written by a writer and perform actions hammered out during a period of rehearsal - at which by the way, the devil wasn't actually present, only artists and backers and son on, that's how theatre works. Yes, you see IT'S THEATRE!!! Got it? Not actual fact. It's a play, a performance, a SHOW! Not real life, or a party political Broadcast on behalf of the Devil you morons. Not a brain washing session to turn us into followers of the black arts. What's the big deal! Its entertainment lovey, sweety, dahling. People pay money to watch a bunch of other people performing. Then they all go home, have fish and chips or whatever and go to bed saying, "I quite liked it Rodney...." "Well it made me laugh Fiona..." It's got no more power to corrupt than Coronation Street; or presumably the loonies believe we'll all be donning flat hats and drinking stout under its influence. Get a life! If God does hate it as a piece, surely he has the power to send a thunderbolt from heaven or something huh?! | |
| September 18th 2005 | |
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DO NOT BE CONFUSED
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 Sunni & Shia |
There's been a lot of talk about Sunni and Shia Muslims in the press. Do not be confused. Sunni Muslims like to blow other Muslims up or shoot them, in fact kill them in whatever manner they have to hand, particularly Shiites, whilst Shia like to thrash themselves with whips etc. until they bleed - and kill anybody else who gets in their way including Sunnis etc - in the belief that it will get them into heaven. |
 Sonny and Cher |
Sonny and Cher by contrast are the singing duo popular in the 60s and 70s who didn't kill anybody for their beliefs which was that they liked to entertain people and make them laugh and feel happy and never demanded anything, so people worshipped them and bought their records and watched their shows and they got rich though one of them - Sonny - sadly died skiing. Okay, got that? |
| September 18th 2005 | |
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WILLIAMS AND EVANS - BALL WHACKING BONKERS
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 Robbie the robot & Chris Tinkle |
There's nothing this tuneless
couple like better than whacking their balls down the fairway (sorry Robbie
but to me you really do sound like a bag of cats in a spin dryer even
though you think you sound like Sinatra). Anyway, if there's one thing
Robbie Williams and Chris Evans do like nearly as much it's spending money
- of which they have an abundant supply, (though Chris has been trying
hard to drink his away) so they plan to buy a golf club. What a great
idea! Old lantern jaw and the ginger |
| September 17th 2005 | |
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GAAAAAAAGH!
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Well what can you say? Here we
have this vacant plinth in Trafalgar square with nothing on it and thousands
of artists itching for a commission to furnish Ken Livingston's dream
of a revolving art display. Let's face it, it's just what you want to
see first thing in the morning as you hurry off to work in the House or
the nearest Burger King, a statue of an armless, crippled woman with a
crew cut, 8 months pregnant and totally naked to boot. Mmm, gives you
a lift in your day and a spring in your step, you just can't wait to get
to work inspired by such a noble work of art. Just what the loony left
ordered. Shame she wasn't black, blind in one eye, a whale, gay, wearing
dungarees and open toed sandals eating a plate of brown rice, then she
would have hit on nearly all the happy clappy minority groups favoured
by the ultra left loonies. What's next, a statue of John Prescott's sphincter
in pastry or Tony Blair's smile carved out of a 20 foot piece of cheese.
Sorry but as brave as Alison Lapper undoubtedly is, I really don't want
to see her naked body in public - anymore than I want to impose my
naked body in public now that it's lost its aesthetic appeal. |
| September 16th 2005 | |
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JORDAN WEDS ANDRE - Yeah so!
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 Meat and two veg and a Jordan for afters |
Yes its true! Peter Andre became Mr Jordan when he married his jungle sweetheart (and key to his revived career) Jordan (there's nothing she likes better than nestling up to a warm motorbike with her tits out and her thumbs down her pants) or plain old Katie Price as she is known by her mum. The two got married recently. Yes this was the most pointless celebrity marriage since... that last one of which there seems to be no shortage. The head line should read, Breasts Marry Six Pack. Its amazing those saggy old tits get so much publicity, but you have to wonder why. Will men ever wake up one day and say, "...it's just another pair of breasts..." Will men wake up one day and say, "What the fuck's that racket.... oh it's only Pete Andre taking off his shirt to music... again!" If you could bottle talent, there wouldn't be enough in these two to fill an empty Britvic tomato juice bottle, and it wouldn't keep for long. You gotta hand it to them though, they screwed £1.8 mill' from Okay mag for the pics. Ooooh yeah, we'll all be queuing to see those. Sadly some idiots will, the idiots who still think Big Brother's a pretty neat idea! |
