MY BOSS THINKS I'M AVAILABLE

My boss is generally a nice man though from time to time he does come on to me. I have told him I am not interested but that doesn't seem to stop him. Last week I was typing up some minutes of a meeting and then suddenly he was there. As I work in a private office on my own it was difficult to keep him at bay. He started coming on and before I knew it he was sitting next to me and thrusting his hands up my frock and into my knickers - which luckily were clean. Well after about half an hour of that behaviour I'd had enough and told that he could stop or I'd be very upset and when my breathing returned to normal I would report him. Do you think I should report him or wait until I discussed it with my boyfriend. Janine R. (Bootle)

AUNTY BULLSHIT REPLIES: Clearly your boss is a man who likes to get his own way. You must be firm with him if you want him to stop. It may be that what he is doing is illegal in which case, you could have him clapped in irons and sent to the colonies. By the way, is you boyfriend the violent type???

AN INTIMATE BOIL

I have a boil in a very intimate place and do not know how to deal with it. It is a constant embarrassment and I can't sit properly for the pain. What should I do? Roger B. (Brighton)

AUNTY BULLSHIT REPLIES: You could move to Lancing! No, sorry. That was a joke at your expense and rather cheap. Have you thought of going to the casualty department at your local hospital. They will take a good look at it and probably lance it with a big sterile needle which they will jab into the large white head at the top. After a few moments of excruciating pain, they will induce even more pain by squeezing it until all the puss evacuates the boil like Vesuvius erupting. It'll all be over in about half an hour and when you come round again you'll feel much better.

SMOKER FOR LIFE

I am 40, a family man and have been a smoker for much of my life but my wife and friends and the family, all of whom are non smokers, keep saying I should give it up. I think it is my right to smoke if I want to and nothing to do with anyone else. What do you think. Bob. T. (Swindon)

AUNTY BULLSHIT REPLIES: Quite right Bob, it's nobody's business but yours and until they outlaw smoking completely, what does it matter if you do kill yourself before your time. That is your right. If you want to leave your children before they grow up that's your decision. So what if you lose the use of your legs from bad circulation. There's always amputation. Oxygen is relatively cheap and you can get canisters on wheels these days. Cancer? Who dies of cancer these days. Alright so you are 10 times more likley to get a heart attack but so what. You get killed crossing the road. Good luck with the future Bob, knock yourself out.

BREATH CONTROL

What should I do. I have terminal bad breath and my girlfriend says she can't stand it anymore. My family keep going on about it and friends have even made comments. Please give me some advice about what I should do. Phil R. (London)

AUNTY BULLSHIT REPLIES: Move!

TONGUE AND GROOVE

I have an unaturally long tongue and have found it troublsome all my life. I can't think what do about such an annoying defect, I am constantly embarrassed by it and people frequently mention it. What would you recommend I do about it.

AUNTY BULLSHIT REPLIES: First swallow your pride. What you have there is an asset. We have thought of several uses fro a tongue such as yours, in fact the entire typing pool came up with the same suggestion but for reasons of good taste, we cannot mention it here. Why not (a) hire it out as a door mat, a post room stamp licker or a leather strop or (d) get yourself a harem.

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