epublic of the United Kingdoms of Greater Britain. All subjects and foreign tourists alike will be expected to uphold the laws regarding the freedom of speech of this nation. Anyone not abiding by the rules and regulations face imprisonment and trial by a government appointed magistrate. Thereafter, should said persons be found guilty, they may be liable to a period of imprisonment or possibly shot. Freedom of speech is paramount in this democracy with certain exceptions.
The state will not tolerate:
1. any individual or group (news groups, political groups, pressure groups or gatherings of any kind, individuals and their pets) if their intent is to speak their mind and thereby draw attention to any government misrepresentation or inaccuracy or lie or cover-up or anomaly that the government have no explanation for
2. any form of investigation into matters of national importance if the intention of those parties is to undertake to print, publish or announce to the general public at large the shortcomings of those in office
3. any criticism of the government if they become responsible for incidents within their power and then deny they had any knowledge of them
4. any form of publication that seeks to tell the truth about government incompetence which has hitherto resulted in an exposé of the facts
5. any publication of baby pictures which are not in accordance with the Prime Minister of this country (except where said Prime Minister chooses to use such pictures to bolster his or her image when his or her popularity is on the wane
6. any mention of indiscretion pertaining to that behaviour of the minister without boxing gloves
7. any proximity to the minister without boxing gloves for fear he might land them a fourpenny one and thereby facilitate members of the press the opportunity for a front page scoop
8. anyone who upsets the members of the Government by suggesting they are anything but pure and uncorrupt, whiter than white, purer than pure and not at all given to usurping their position in favour of their image, or that of their colleagues, when to do so might cause them to be seen as less than honest and vain and in need of PR and spin.
It is also hereby proposed in the interests of state and for the purposes of international security to allow the police and government appointed agencies to access all on line information including personal emails, on line activity, and anything connected to internet and telecommunications system. It will also be necessary to open mail, monitor what channels people watch and to examine what plants they are planting in their gardens. All children must submit their exercise books for scrutiny to ensure no subversion is being perpetuated through education and all foreign nationals will learn to say “jolly good show” as a mark of their loyalty to the nation. Cars will in future be taxed at a higher rate with petrol tax doubled and public transport will not work and be more expensive than personal cars making it impossible to reduce the numbers of cars on the roads. No one will blame former transport minister John Prescott for the situation even though he said we could five years ago if things hadn’t improved within five years.
BY ORDER OF THE BAD ASS MINISTER IN CHARGE OF SNOOPING
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