Rosy complexioned manager of Manchester United Alex Ferguson can at last afford a liver transplant. The normally moody Ferguson – seen left wearing the Man U logo – was in ebullient form on announcing the possibility of the forthcoming liver transfer for it will breathe new life into his otherwise tortuous day of handling prima donna footballers and their inconsiderate ways, which for a long time has driven him to the brink of sobriety. Just being rid of the old problem, said a spokesman, will make his life worth living again. The operation may take place in Spain apparently. Its no secret that Ferguson hasn’t been seeing eye to eye with his liver and his health has suffered.

No matter how many bottles of champagne he has consumed and however many football boots he’s taken to kicking around the changing rooms in frustration, it hasn’t eased his condition. It seems the only thing left is a transplant. Of course it’ll be like cutting off his right arm, said the same spokesman, you don’t lose your liver and not agonise over the decision but it had grown out of all proportion and something had to be done. No liver is bigger than the man. Asked if he thought there would be an effect on his judgement as a manager the spokesman said he’d rather not comment and left quickly checking to make sure no low flying boots were heading in his direction.

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