BULLSHIT NEWS BRITISHNESS TEST

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In view of the Britishness test being asked of would be British citizens, the questions of which made locals scratch their heads, we thought we’d put our own casual test forward to give those wishing for British citizenship a bit more of a chance.

1. On a Friday Night would you…
a) Prefer to stay home working on your English.
b) Be working hard at some menial task for poor wages.
c) Be down the local Cock & Beaver club binge drinking yourself to oblivion then puking up in the gutter and picking fights with the local constabulary.

2. Concerning your home, if you were in council accommodation would you…
a) Enjoy the comforts of your home, being with your children, watching TV, reading and cooking your favourite foods.
b) Work carefully learning at home to become more skilled to get a better job.
c) Put your music and TV on so loud that people living three streets away could feel their teeth vibrate, get the dog to bark incessantly, pick a row with your petulant teenage daughter then threaten violence when asked to tone the noise down.

3. Do you spit…
a) No.
b) Only in extreme circumstances.
c) Yeah all the time because you saw footballers do it on telly and think its cool and its none of your fuckin’ business anyway, yeah!

4. Your children at school….
a) Work hard because they know it is the root to wealth and success and true freedom
b) Are eager to get as much knowledge as they can so that they can climb the ladder to success.
c) Don’t give a shit and think clever hard working people just aren’t cool and suckers who make good targets for idiots who can barely write their names to bully.

5. Politics : You see John Prescott on TV
a) You marvel at his girth. This truly is a land flowing with milk (cheap milk) and honey and Pies.
b) You think fondly of an Elephant you once knew – on a platonic level of course.
c) You think, “Fuck me, how did that fat bastard get into politics, he can barely string two words together.”

These have been just a few questions to test your knowledge and spirit. The answers were all (c) though on question 5, any one would have sufficed.

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