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BERNARD GUSSET -
AFTERTHOUGHTS (Updated... now and then)
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NEW - NEW-
NEW- NEW- NEW- NEW- NEW- NEW- NEW- NEW- NEW- NEW
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YOU KNOW THOSE WACKY EMAILS
YOU SOMETIMES GET.....
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PETTING... HEAVY!
This guy was lonely, so he decided life would be
more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that
he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede
which came in a
little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for
the box, and decided
he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar
to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you
like to go to Frank's
with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This
bothered him a bit, but he
waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How
about going to the bar
and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend
and pet. So he waited
a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time
putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in
there! Would you
like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with
me?"
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
A little voice came out of the box:...........
(WAIT FOR IT)...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*****g
shoes on."
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| MARCH
2006 |
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Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy . .
. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!
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| FEBRUARY
2006 |
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SEAN CONNERY
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have
sex three times a night.
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu
said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex
wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and had great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep
for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm
shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right
hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, "Lulu that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws
in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes
are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in
mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're
sleepin?"
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian,
she shtole ma wallet..........."
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| FEBRUARY
2006 |
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FIRE TRUCK
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the
station when he noticed a little girl riding down the sidewalk in
a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden
hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl was wearing a firefighter's
helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter
walked out to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said admiringly.
"Thanks, Mister Fireman," replied the little girl.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want
to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope
around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied sweetly, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.
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JANUARY 2006
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THIS ONE'S
A DUSY
For all of us who feel only the
deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our
lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM (General Motors) had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that
got 1,000 miles to the gallon." Read on!
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would
all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just
love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have
to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on
only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the
engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate
- their computer
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Divert Your Course....!
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation
released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.1995.
CANADIANS : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
collision
AMERICANS : Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north
to avoid collision.
CANADIANS : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the south to avoid collision.
AMERICANS : This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert
YOUR course!
CANADIANS : No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS : This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest
ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with
three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND
that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that one-five
degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the
safetyu of this ship.
CANADIANS : This is a lighthouse; your call!
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Smart ass answers - love 'em!
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand
for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a
beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
>
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
>
>Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day,"
the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast
as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
>
>Smart Ass Answer #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he
knows it, the
bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
are
>backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of
his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says,
>"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I
was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."
>
>AND NOW........FOR THE #1 SMART ASS ANSWER SO FAR FOR THE YEAR
2005
......
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his
hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly
at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says : "Well, I guess you'd
have to
write the exam with your other hand."
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Pierre the Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie,
out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful
day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says:
"Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's
lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have
red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up
a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you
doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have
white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me
lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours
it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie
shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water,
Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE,
WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up defiantly and says,
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in
flames!"
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Jet Fuel & Tonic
Bud and Jim are a couple of drinking buddies who work
as airplane mechanics
in Atlanta. One day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in
the hanger with nothing to do. Bud says, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink."
Jim says, "Me, too. Y'know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and
get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and
get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact, he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects. Nothing.
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim: "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud: "Great!"
Jim: "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud: "No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers, nothing.
We oughta do
this more often."
Jim: "Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."
Bud: "What's that?"
Jim: "Have you farted yet?"
Bud: "No."
Jim: "Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."
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Heaven Sent
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and
they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact
with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once
touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK,
dip the tip of your
finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter
asks the next
girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact
with a
penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well
once I fondled and
stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in
The Holy Water and
pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion
in the
line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When
she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What
seems to be
the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle
that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it."
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