Jorge Garcia

I haven't managed to catch a single episode of "Lost" so far, though I did catch sight of the gargantuan Jorge Garcia. Now I've nothing personal against Jorge but I have to say, I'd not want this guy sitting on my face in any circumstances, particularly after a work out. Surely being lost on a desert island would be good for Jorge though. A chance to loose a little of the lard stuff. I did wonder how he got himself slotted into a plane seat. They aren't spacious at the best of times. Also you'd have thought the inertia of a crash landing would have propelled him through the fuselage and skipped him like a pebble to land in Hawaii. But it didn't.

John Prescott - Uber Lard Arse

Aaaaaah, now here's an arse in all senses of the word. Oooo imagine his lardy chip stuffed butt in your face. From bar steward to politician - and still a bar steward. A champagne socialist and all round bully. There's a lot more duty free in politics isn't there John boy. Look at that neck, full of self indulgence, the junkets have taken their toll, hence the need for all those Jags, how very up marhcé. Nope wouldn't want this one on my face!

Arafat

How did we miss this one? Never mind about him sitting on your face, you would want him kissing on the cheek or even washing your Volvo. He doesn't look well!

(PS turns out he wasn't too well and is now alas no longer with us)

Clare Rayner - Pucker up for the Anchovy express

Agony aunt, novellist, loud, obnoxious, opinionated, meddling old bat... Doesn't like people smacking their children. I'd like to smack her I would! She comes complete with wings. How they come up with Clare Rayner - about as femnine as a London Bus, the back end that is - to symbolise all that women want in a panty liner. Or why even? No, I definitely wouldn't want that sitting on my face!

Anything in a Yashmak - Nooooo!

Well you just don't know what's going on under there! Saddam might be hiding under one of those and you wouldn't want him sitting on your face!

Bernard Manning - Total twat

Probably the grossest man in entertainment (if you call what he does entertaining). Having seen him in a documentary recently where his daytime attire around the house was underpants and vest, we can honestly say, that we would not welcome something that gross hoving into view above our heads.