THE NEWS IS GRIM – BONO’S GLASSES NOT COOL ENOUGH

Bono

Hello! Hello! Yes it was bad news when Bono got news that his trade mark cool glasses were – wait for it – just not Hollywood enough! It could signal a breakdown for the 65 year old club singer who has always done his utmost to be a rock star, even under the most adverse conditions i.e. the re-recording of Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas” when he very nearly didn’t get to wail his party piece line “… thank god its them instead of us.” Yes high drama indeed. But he insisted and won the day on the basis that if he didn’t get to sing the line, his image would be considerably dented. It was then that it was noted that his glasses (sob!) just weren’t cool enough, indeed they may have been last year’s model. Oh no I hear you cry, but it might be true – although at this stage we are awaiting confirmation. All we can say is, there may be a career in children’s entertainment waiting for you if all else fails. Good luck.

BOOHOOS CRUISE

tom cruise

Is it true love with the one he loves most? Yes but it looks as though the magic has gone out of the Cruise – Holmes relationship. Watchers say the couple, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are not as thick as they were. Indeed, that they are at each others throats and that Christmas with the potential in-laws was a disaster. Looks like that marriage may not get launched even, never mind get the chance to hit the rocks. We just don’t get it Katie, how could you not love a man whose beliefs insist that you are silent whilst you force something the size of a small turkey through your vagina. Ridiculous. Turkey? How ironic. We have to wonder, that silence thing, is it that you wont get into heaven if you do a bit of yelling, yuh know, like there’ll be a guy at the pearly gates waiting – maybe L. Ron Hubbard himself – saying “…ah now let’s just check. Yes sorry you were a screamer during birth… sorry you can’t get into heaven.” Look, if that happens, just ask why. What’s the reason. Hey whilst you’re at it ask what the deal is with prayer shawls worn under the clothes and wild eyed evangelists preaching hell and damnation from a Mercedes and Burkas particularly the one eyed variety.

Meanwhile what’s the deal with South Park? For heaven sake Tom, you’d look great in cardboard cut outs. So they had a dig at your sexuality. Hey its nothing we didn’t already have our suspicions about. Is it the presence of Nicole Kidman and your Scientology chum John Travolta – hey John wake up! – or is it this coming out of the closet thing, the L. Ron Hubbard cupboard. Sounds mighty funny to us. Aw, go on Tom, Thomas, Tommy-boy, go on let it come to the UK. Lighten up buddy. Look we’ve all seen your performance in War of the Worlds and Minority Report and, well take your pick, its the same in all of them. Surely South Park would have given you a new dimension. Hey well, listen, you take care. Oh and watch out for guys with squirty microphones or custard pies now. Keep your guard up!

JACKO TO SUE McDONALDS?

..or should it be the other way around? We have now hit on a serious theory as to why Michael Jackson has had so much surgery on his face – which by the way, Jackson alleges is no more than two operations – Yeah right and the Millennium Done was built square originally. Anyway, we believe that Jacko is trying to remodel his features on the world renown children’s MJRonaldMcDfavourite Ronald McDonald. The similarities are uncanny (see our composite left) and completely contradict our earlier article, that Jackson was modelling his face on a Yak’s arse. True, at times it has often looked like a midget peering out of a Yaks sphincter but in fact the new theory holds much more water. Michael has always wanted to get close to children. He has his Neverland ranch, a fair ground, a zoo and a K-Y tanker parked around the back. The one thing he needed after all that was an image they could connect with. It was either going to be Peter Pan or because of the restrictions of his natural appearance it had to be something more attainable. And lets face it, all kids love to get a McDonalds inside them. It was the obvious next step. In yer face Jacko! The trial continues.

The Royals

MySop7

The Royals – a family with wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. More corrupting than their wealth – the power they wield. Their arrogance will astound you. Their cold blooded attitude to the rest of the human race will shock you. You’ll thrill to the majesty and lavish extravagance of their life style. You’ll gasp at the young members of the family who appear to be completely oblivious of their obligations. You’ll laugh your socks off as one of the family blunders around playing film directors. You’ll yawn at the antics of the weak older meddling brother and his hippy lifestyle and divorcee girlfriend. You’ll turn off at the arrogant middle brother and his non stop philandering. You’ll make a sharp intake of breath at the way the paternal Don gaffs his way through foreign tours so completely without common sense. (with apologies to HBO)

THE UK PREPARED FOR TERRORIST ATTACKS

The good news is that we are well prepared for this Al Queda chappy who seems to be hell bent on getting drummed out of the brownies. Clearly out of his tiny mind, he now has it in for Britain after giving the ozzies a bit of a panning in Bali – something we haven’t yet been able to do to their cricket team. So are we prepared? Well I gather that we are. Since last week when there were fears that he was to loose a gas attack on the London tube (I’ve been doing that successfully for years) it has been announced that measures are in place to make sure that this and other target areas are well protected with early warning systems in place. For example, the government have insisted – possibly Tony Bleagh himself – that an extra man is stationed just inside the entrance to Ealing Broadway station with instructions to report to his head of department (not after 6pm when he’ll have gone home for the night) in the event that he has any suspicions of shady characters boarding the tube with possible intent. At First, Ken Livingstone was against the idea saying wasn’t it better to just put fares up instead but after John Prescott’s intervention – a swift punch to the solar plexus and several violent threats involving the driving over his body in a new Jag – the matter was solved. What’s more all nuclear power stations are, I am reliably informed, fully protected by a man with a brush. Just the one man of course to save expense but he has a bicycle and a pass for the railways – when they again start to run on time. Briton’s can sleep easy knowing that such preparations have been made.

SUNNY D-TOX – kool kids drink it at their peril

SunnyD

Sunny Delight bares about as much relationship to a refreshing, thirst quenching drink as freshly bottled urine. The wholesome image portrayed in the televevision advertising is – we think – a load of hooey! We tried this concoction – New Orange Outburst – and found it… well frankly disgusting. It left a chemical aftertaste like toxic waste that lingered for well over half an hour and the flavour itself was synthetic and unpleasant with very little similarity to orange outbursting or otherwise and none at all to fresh orange juice. In the end it called for good old fashoined water to rinse out the mouth. If you have read the fine print on the side of the label, you will have noticed the ingredeints which are as follows. Check out the links! Vitamin enriched Citrus beverage with sweeteners. Ingredients: Water, fruit juice 15% (Orange, Lime, Mandarin and Grapefruit juice), Citric acid, Vegetable oil, Preservative : Polyphosphate, Modified Starch, Natural Flavourings, Vitamin C, Thickener: Guar Gum, Preservative: Potassium Sorbate, Sweetners: Acesulfame K and Aspartame, Thickners: Xanthan Gum and Gellan Gum, Beta-Carotene (Pro-Vitamin A), Vitamin B6, Thiamin (Vitamin B1) Contains a source of Phenylalanine (…Intake of phenylalanine by people with penylketonuria (PKU) will cause mental retardation, especially in children ……)
Most importantly it tastes awful but would you want your kids to drink this stuff. Talk about getting you hooked. This drink is owned by a very well known cola company who know just what they are doing. Now we’re not telling you to stop drinking it – if you must, though you must have deadened taste buds – we’re just saying, read the bottle first. Enjoy!

BOO-HOO POOH!

Winnie-the-Pooh

Disney recently sought an injunction on toy bears manufactured in China and imported into Sweden that apparently bore a striking resemblance to Winnie-the-Pooh. They want the 25,000 bears destroyed which they insist are illegal replicas because of their trade mark red shirt and that they projected “the same attitude and facial expression…”. They may bear a striking resemblance to the original Pooh Bear which coincidentally also can be said of Disney’s romanticised, homogenised and repackaged Pooh. However, I don’t imagine that A.A.Milne ever envisaged “Crud the dust monster” or Christopher Robin with an American accent clad in trainers and sweatshirt wearing a baseball cap.

THE TRAFFIC PROBLEM – SOLUTIONS

Traffic Jam

With a crisis in the state of traffic on British roads, the government is tireless at finding newer and more punitive ways of making it purgatory for the British motorist to go about their daily business. Here we offer some alternatives which might or might not appeal to the brown-rice-open-toed-sandal-and-kaftan-wearing-socialist-getemofftheroad-lobby who’s only apparent plan seems to be to tax the motorists until their pips squeak and out of existence without any real insight or solution to the problem.

1. Make it compulsory for all government and opposition MPs and their assistants commute by public transport during the rush hour to experience the full pleasures of the public transport system. As Government gradually grinds to a halt, watch how fast things improve.

2. Make everybody work from home.

3. Make petrol and road tax so high that everyone will stay at home… “…I need to go to the hospital today but I just can’t afford it. I think I’ll stay at home and die!” “… ring the company and say I’m sick love. It’ll save a few bob on petrol.”

4. Educate all children at home over the internet like children in the outback of Australia. That’ll cut down the school run!

5. Rather than raising tax on roads and fuel, pay people to stay home. There should be plenty of takers for that.

6. Build better roads and update public transport. (Dream on)

7. Make it law that all shopping be done at home over the internet eradicating what the government might see as unnecessary journeys. This way there will be a lot fewer cars on the roads and a few more TNT lorries, thereby making Rupert Murdoch richer. It’ll also bring down the price of commercial premises which can then be turned into take away franchises – WE DELIVER!

8. Define unnecessary journey!

9. Allow only people who’s surnames begin with letters from A to F to drive on Mondays, E to J on Tuesdays….etc.

10. Ban the car and lets go back to horses. At least the roses will be prolific and bright and red….

NEW CAREER BECKONS FORMER ENERGY CHIEF

enron

Former chairman of Enron Corp. has found God. Since the collapse of Enron, Ken or Father Ken as he now likes to be called has found a calling to the clergy or at least revivalist preaching. He and the other directors of Enron have set up The Hallelulja Church of St Gates a somewhat obscure micro saint (we couldn’t find it) whose great works allegedly include a global message which they hope will result in a world wide web of followers. Their message is that all will be saved come the day of judgement if they change their ways and subscribe to the teachings of St Gates. He preached eternal hell and damnation (see left) with absolution guaranteed for a mere $100 a head per month. The revivalist tour kicks off deep in the bible belt where Gates is little known but where fear of hell is strong and dollars flow in like water. Very soon they hope to build a theme park and run their own cable station – in the name of salvation.

ENRON CHIEF DEVASTATED BY COLLAPSE

Enron Chief Kenneth Lay (Left) has been clearly devastated by the collapse of the company. Luckily last year’s take home pay of $150,000,000 dollars has helped cushion that terrible blow. Of course that did include bonuses and stock options etc but still, it’ll go a little way to helping him overcome his evident grief at both the demise of his company and hardship of his work force who on average will recieve $13,000 redundancy pay. The directors of Enron between them divided $744,000,000 just before the collapse of the company. It may not be much but it’ll help them come to terms with being out of work