Stop Press Bullshit - the things we said in brief

2005
BERNARD GUSSET - STOP PRESS

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IN BRIEF PAST

IN BRIEF : May 2006 - Great news about illegal immigrants and foreign crooks released instead of deportation isn't it. They don't how many or where they are or even if it's worth bothering to look for them to deport them. Next they'll be publishing posters abroad saying "Come to Britain - we put your human rights above those of our people. Killers, thieves and con men welcome." It's enough to make you want to emigrate. Vinnie Jones is to appear (Star is not an appropriate word here) in the new Carry On film, Carry On London. Vinnie will be stretching his acting talents by playing.... another hard man, Tony Le Berc, night club owner. Good career move Vinnie! No doubt any time soon we'll be seeing him making a guest appearance in East Enders as he climbs all the way back down the ladder.

IN BRIEF : April 2006 - David Cameron denounces the BNP as "completely unacceptable". If you're thick enough to vote BNP then you're probably the sort of person who hates anyone who isn't you or like you, who chases black Marias screaming violent abuse when you yourself are just one step away from arrest. Who abuses and brain washes their own children to have no views but theirs. Someone who thinks skin colour denotes species. So what are red heads and albinos then, Martians? Someone who refuses to accept any other point of view. Someone who's answer to any of the above is violence as they will undoubtedly find no intelligent argument to get others to accept their uneducated, phobic policies.

IN BRIEF : April 2006 -Watching the news item about the re-enactment of the crucifixion of Christ in Manchester this Easter week end I was moved. I was moved to get up and change channel it was so embarrassing. The National health service is once more facing a financial crisis. Perhaps if the Chancellor hadn't committed a few extra billion to boost African dictators Swiss bank balances , they could afford to put a bit more money in to it!

IN BRIEF : February 2006 - Historian David Irving the Holocaust denyer who was jailed yesterday for three years was said to be shocked by his sentence. Strangely, things have become clearer over the years and he says now that there probably were gas chambers etc. Interesting that. He's finally accepted the huge number of irrefutable first hand witness accounts and photographic evidence that the rest of us never doubted. We must assume that Mr Irving is a little bit slow and quite a bit stupid.

IN BRIEF : February 2006 - Karl Lagerfeld, the 72 year old frock maker, says in a magazine article that he thinks Princess Diana was 'stupid' and that Camilla is the life and soul of the party and that if you had to make the choice to live with one or the other she'd be the one. Well its certain there are differences between the two women. For one, Diana actually had a nervous system and could feel. For example, she could feel the presence of Camilla through her entire marriage. Camilla has the emotions of a house brick and doesn't appear to feel anything - except Charles' cod piece. It didn't matter to her if she shagged her husband or Charles or shafted Diana. Diana was attractive, beautiful even. Camilla could model for Horse Dentist Monthly. Of course if Karl had to choose between one or the other he says he would choose Camilla. Old Queens stick together I guess.

IN BRIEF : February 2006 - The Artic Monkeys, the current hot band, are taking some flak for their album cover which features a greasy guy smoking and also has images of filled ash trays. This allegedly glamourises smoking according to Dr Laurence Gruer of NHS Scotland. Yeah nothing like a full ashtray to make you want to light up. Just sniff all that ash and tar and nicotine Mmmm! Just makes you want to... throw up! Truth is that if we adults were to encorage kids to smoke they'd proabably give it up as being "Not Cool" as is the case with anything adult and common sense. Let 'em smoke mate, get cancer, heart disease, shortness of breath, shortness of cash. Of course it wont happen over night but one day they'll wake up and say "Oh why did I start smoking....?" Then it's time to laugh and say, I told you so!

IN BRIEF : January 2006 - Hamas win the day in the Palestinian election. Let's hope the people don't regret it. What happens if there is dissent in their parliament, will they resort to blowing each other up, send exploding inter office memos or shoot dissenters as they leave for work? Just what kind of democracy will emerge from a bunch of wild mental loonies who's only argument so far has been to send in the suicide bombers? Will democracy tame people who's idea of a celebration is to shoot bullets into the sky that come down, who knows where.

IN BRIEF : January 2006 - So the News of the screws get what they want. They've finally hounded Sven Goran Erikson out of a job. The idiots at the Football Association bow to the pressure of a garbage newspaper and the people who read it instead of treating it with contempt. What's happened to honour in this country? Well Sven I hope you hit them up for a big pay off. One minute you're flavour of the month, the next - as is what usually happens in this country - everybody is baying for your blood just because you didn't check to make sure some cretin from a rag newspaper wants to sell more advertising space. Let's face it, they could sell it on the value of the news they print!

IN BRIEF : January 2006 - The two Thai fishermen who raped then bludgeoned and finally left to drown an British girl on the beach in Koh Samui Thailand, have been sentenced to death. The mother of the victim is against the death penalty and her late daughter didn't like the idea of the death penalty either. With respect to them, we have to say that we don't like the idea of the death penalty. That's why we're not prone to sudden bursts of irrational violence towards others - well that and the fact we aren't violent but as a deterrent to those who are, it has to be, otherwise the whole world would be like a cowboy frontier town where the strong could kill the weak just because they didn't like the colour of their socks. Of course we are civilised in the UK and allow killers back onto the streets after a few years of watching TV, reading books and learning new skills. That's called rehabilitation.

IN BRIEF : January 2006 - Here's a fascinating notion. Apparently if you're born in the Philippines, a unique name is the order of the day as individuality seems to be quite the thing with new babies. For example there is a senator Joker Arroyo apparently and a Robert Ace Barbers. Seemingly a lot of cards played in the Philippines. Maybe its that sex there has an element of gambling attached, i.e. will we get aids or have a baby? The luck of the draw I guess. Frankly you couldn't apply the same principle here at least not in a retrospective way. Too many politicians would be called bastard and in fact many of them are, there's that fat bastard John Prescott for example, lover of the junket and tax free council housing. Then there's that Bastard Tony Bliar [sic] and that drunken Bastard Charles Kennedy. There would be far to many Gits for instance, that git wotsisname on Celebrity Big Brother and that other git who I've never heard of on... Celebrity Big Brother. The mind boggles!

IN BRIEF : January 2006 - Apple Computers take on the world. Now they plan to storm the market - as they usually do - with portable video the latest in sound and vision in it's latest incarnation the iPod. Steve Jobs the wild and wacky and some say unpredictable CEO of Apple says it will become the most popular and sought after portable video in the world. No argument there, they've been getting it right now for sdmetime. We just hope he'll get riche enough to buy out Microsoft Corp then replace that bloody PC platform with something that is user friendly. Next Week: Steve Jobs walks on water!

IN BRIEF : January 2006 - Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot the pope in 1981 has been released from jail after spending 19 years inside fro murder of a left wing Turkish journalist and two bank robberies. Maybe they should send him on holiday to get over his ordeal. Washington is nice this time of year or he might enjoy the sunny climes of Baghdad, then again Tehran might prove to be quite clement

IN BRIEF : January 2006 - Big Brother is back on our screens and full of the usual suspects. Nonentities from the celebrity F list. For example George Galloway, that well known kisser of Saddam's arse and treacherous turncoat who tried to get British soldiers to mutiny during the Gulf conflict. Then there's Michael Barrymore. Well he was bound to make a return. You can't keep a good man down.... unless you have your own pool of course then is perfectly possible. Ooh we watch and wait with baited breath. Well you might, personally, I'll be down the pub binge drinking until I'm sick!

IN BRIEF : December 20th 2005 - Thank goodness. At last they've been able to ascertain that the Mona Lisa definitely IS smiling thanks to a computer programme. Well it's been one of those questions we've all needed that answer to. At last we can sleep without that particular issue bothering us through the night.

IN BRIEF : December 14th 2005 - (Cue dreamy voice): This is not just news, this is old news. This is not just old news tarted up a bit, its news with the information taken out and a smile inserted. This is not just satire with a bit of sex and violence and occasionally bad language it's bollocks with humour and would be libellous if we ever claimed any of it to be true, but we don't. This is not just news, its Bullshit News. (with apologies to Marks & Spencer)

IN BRIEF : November 5th 2005 - The leaders of all parties are united on the issue of prostrate cancer. Well its good to know they agree on something. Ironic that it should be on a matter that involves the index finger playing an important role other than the wagging at each other across the house! A finger of fudge is just enough until it's time to vote! Apparently!

IN BRIEF : August 1st 2005 - OFFICIAL!: There will be a shortage of woolies this winter, thanks to some ruling that the importers have fallen foul of. It could mean a shortage on the shelves at Mark & Sparks of woolies. Disaster, queues will form. Grannies will be having punch ups in charity stores. Anyone want to buy my sweater? Yours for a hundred and fifty quid! Pssst, I know where I can get some real nice hardly worn cardies!

IN BRIEF : July 7TH 2005 - Bertrand Delanoë, the mayor of Paris has been less than gracious regarding the winning London bid for the Olympics, suggesting that all was not quite proper in British pitch. Well we didn't hand out knighthoods and CBEs to OIC members if that's what he means and frankly its a very churlish attitude to take. Sounds very like a spoilt child throwing a tantrum. The bid was not yours by right just because you thought it. Up until this morning I felt quite sorry for the people of France (its in our nature) but right now I feel like saying "stuff you". At the end of the day, the British bid was every bit as passionate as that of Paris - just in a British way, but the film presentation said it all. It was about the spirit of the games, not how pretty the city is. On that basis Paris would always win, over London. Besides there were only 4 votes in it. It could have gone either way. It makes a change for Britain to win one of these things when France spends so much of its time convincing Europe that we are the poor relation. How dare they.

IN BRIEF : July 6TH 2005 - The UK win the Olympic bid for 2012! Whatever next? Jacque Chirac eating fish and chips and liking I guess. Well he might not like humble British cuisne (which presumeably he thinks is nothing but chips and Yorkshire pudding) but there's one dish he's going to have to stomach, humble pie. Despite all the schmoozing of IOC members and doling out the French honors to buy votes, it hasn't paid off. We forsee a long and happy retirement for Jacque, selling melons on the roadside in Provence. Not a bad deal actually.

IN BRIEF : July 4th 2005 - NASA have successfully smashed the world's most expensive ice pick into the frozen lump of ice, the comet Temple 1. They have done what they intended to do which was to blast a large chunk of ice from its surface. Now to further the experiment, they are looking for a giant Gin and Tonic in which to put it. Recruiting for astronauts has never been better. (BBC story)

IN BRIEF : July 1st 2005 - All through the election, Blair was asked for figures of illegal immigrants living in the UK. All through the election Blair said he had none and that figures could not be collected and that any would be worthless. He said so to Jeremy Paxman... 20 times! Now suddenly, not long after the election, here they are with figures of over 500,000 illegal immigrants, just at the point when they are trying to sell us Identity Cards. Funny that. Also they are very tired of a cynical press. Well in that case Tony sweetie, don't sell us lies and fantasies. I suppose there's one good thing Tone, at least Cheri will be able to get a bit of a laugh out of that story during her No.10 lectures, TV programmes and books.

IN BRIEF : June 30th 2005 - The Glazers have at last visited their new acquisition, Manchester United. They took in the Old Trafford ground but later had to be escorted away by the police as around three hundred baying supporters of the club gathered to protest. Just what they think they'll achieve by showing their displeasure heaven only knows. Perhaps they're hoping the Glazers will un-buy the club or that Harry Potter will come and magic it back to the way it was. When the Glazers improve the club, these are just the same people who will be singing their praises. You can lead an idiot to water, then you might just as well throw it in his face for he has no idea where his mouth is!

IN BRIEF : June 27th 2005 - The AA have brought out a road map of the UK detailing where all 3000 speed cameras are located. You'd think the lobby who want to cut deaths on British roads would be pleased as it would ensure that there are fewer speeding motorists. However they blew their cover today revealing their spite and bile for all to see. What they really wanted was for people to be caught speeding and to hell it seems with road fatalities. At least, that's how it looks to us. A spokesman for Roadpeace said, "...it tells you where they are and where they are not..." You know what's coming soon of course, the Government will want to monitor our every step with on board devices, perhaps... oh... like the pay-as-you-drive scheme. Next stop 1984.

IN BRIEF : June 24th 2005 - Police collision casualties have risen apparently. So big outcry against the police saying - in effect - that they should look where they are going. It couldn't be that a lot more crooks are committing crimes by any chance? Maybe the best course of action would be to stand at the roadside instead, wagging a very threatening finger at the culprits instead of chasing them. Then we could hope that wracked with guilt they will give up and hand themselves in. "It's a fair cop guv!"

IN BRIEF : June 21st 2005 - Now they - the British Potato Council -want the phrase "Couch Potato" removed from the dictionary as they believe it's giving the potato a bad name. Golly, that could mean millions of us might stop eating chips! Oh no! In fact they held a protest outside the Oxford University Press building in Parliament Square yesterday, with placards and everything. What next protests from the Cattle Breeders Association saying that the Dairy Lea Ninja cows are making cows look dangerous.... probably!

IN BRIEF : June 19th 2005 - Glastonbury stops crime. Official! Apparently when Glastonbury festival is in full swing, there is less crime. So at last we know what most of the criminals do and where they go when crime figures fall. They're all out of their heads at music festivals. As long as the authorities don't use it as an excuse for more festivals and less policing. Criminals can't all be music lovers.

IN BRIEF : June 10th 2005 - An army bomb team was called into the the Big Brother house on Monday. They left after a while but are still refusing to tell anyone where they've put it.

IN BRIEF : June 3rd 2005 - Chris Martin of the band Coldplay has urged the organisers of the Live 8 concert planned for Hyde Park on July 2nd to include the Spice Girls. Chris love, it's bad enough that you're playing never mind the vapid quartet (or would it be quintet - depends on Jerry I guess) Come to think of it, it might give music lovers something to vent their spleen on for a few minutes between bands. They could have Mexican booing where the boos travel across the arena in a wave? Something to look forward to. Pete Doherty of Babyshambles and model Kate Moss are trying for a baby apparently - they're hoping to have a little baby junkie all of their own.

IN BRIEF : May 18th 2005 - I was driving along the other day when suddenly a high powered suped up Vauxhall came storming past me at what must have been, well close to 150 miles an hour, I mean it was like a rocket. I reported it to the police. Imagine my relief when I heard that it was an off duty Policeman and an advanced driver at that, just out practising in his unmarked patrol car. Luckily he wasn't convicted so I was relieved. The judge hiccuped then said the driver was like a concert pianist who needed to tune up his instrument, as he put it he is the creme de la menthe of drivers. Doesn't knowing that just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? (BBC story)

IN BRIEF : MAY 11th 2005 - Here's a happy slapping story we love. (Happy Slapping - beating up someone weaker than yourself whilst videoing it on your mobile for "fun". The latest teenage craze) This story involves four teenagers dressed in hoody sweatshirts to hide their faces - big brave boys - they also wear nappies too as most of them aren't yet toilet trained... at 16-17. These four playful lads decided to take on a single man wearing a tweed jacket(well they wouldn't take on anyone with a friend as cowardice is a main essential of the game) The man was in his mid twenties, quite short and stocky but dead ordinary. He looked like a gents outfitter - to the lads. They followed him to a park where they attacked him, whilst videoing of course. What they didn't know was that this chap was an Iraq seasoned veteran with SAS training. He poleaxed two of them straight away and left them gasping on the floor, one gripping his testicles and the other trying to breath through an almost crushed wind pipe. The other two brave boys fled. He caught one of them and broke three fingers on one hand and shattered his knee joint before laying him out with a "Glasgow Kiss" which broke his nose. The other got away. We wonder if he got the whole thing on his mobile and yes, its is funny when it works that way round. Lets have a few more vigilantes please. The police can't do anything about it, they're too busy filling out forms.

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